To end marriage due to step children

[HP200]

Probably will be flamed but here goes ….
DH has 2 DC- DD17 and DS13. DD does not visit the house but will tag along on mine and his hobby at the weekend, she will ask and be collected and dropped back at her request. When with us she will chat and be polite (isn’t much help with the hobby 🤣) but is getting grumpy that she can’t actually do the hobby as what we have is not suitable / safe for her.
DH birthday is the day after his DD and I messaged both his children inviting them out for a meal to celebrate both read message and ignored and didn’t even wish him happy birthday.
His DS comes minimum EOW (and whenever else he wants) and will not speak to me at all the whole time. DH has spoken to him time and time again and he states there is not an issue but it’s the same blank stare and no reply every time I talk to him and I feel uncomfortable when he is here and that I can’t relax in my own home. DH thinks it’s fine but I don’t want to feel uncomfortable in my own house and he clearly hates me regardless of what he tells his dad.
we have been together 9 years and parents were separated when we meet due to his mum having an affair so I didn’t end the relationship or anything

What on earth are you on about? I haven’t changed my advice at all. Ignore him, don’t cook for him, don’t do his washing, don’t give him lifts. He’s 13, not 3, and he has a dad. Step-mums don’t exist to be maids for 13yos who who don’t even acknowledge their literal existence with a hi.

You don't get the behaviour you want from children by ignoring them. You need to model the behaviour you want.

Your attitude is perfect example of shitty stepmother gets hated and ruin the father relationship with their children because they're in the middle and try to stay neutral

Really, your advices are laughably bad

She didn’t sign up to be a mother. If this 13yo can’t even manage a civil hello, then guess what? He doesn’t get any of OP’s effort.

She’s been modelling that behaviour to him for 9 years and he ignores her like she doesn’t even exist. Time to ignore him right back.

As a matter of fact, yes she did, getting into a relationship with someone with children is exactly that, thinking otherwise is pretty selfish and self-centered

Also, 13yo can't manage to be civil? Never heard of teenagers acting like that before, I'm shocked! Shocked!

I think the fact that you go round calling OP shitty and anyone who doesn’t agree with you as shitty tells me everything I need to know about you.

I’m not a step-mother but I don’t see step-mothers as handmaids who have to put their own needs last and run around after a 13yo who won’t even acknowledge her existence.

You wouldn’t put up with it from your child but expect a step-mum to.

To quote OP:

"No only really the last 3 years - roughly around the time his mum married her new husband".

So this is recent ish behavior nobody addressed because it's easier to ignore

No, step-mothers are not mothers. OP has no parental rights in relation to her step-son. The parent is the father. Why do you think OP needs to do the grunt work and not the actual father?

Does your teenager ignore you for years?

Ok, after 9 years as his step-mum, he has ignored his step-mum for 3 years and not even replying to her hello.

Op has been very kind and patient. Time to ignore him.

I see a father and stepmother acting like shitty parents I'll call them as such

Pretty sure I only really called you shitty because your advice is terrible

I find interesting how you compare stepmother to handmaids, cause not even one single person said anything even close to that, only you

People simply expect the adult to be an adult

Except for the fact yes I would expect her to put up with it if it was her biological son, cause turns out antagonizing a moody teenager will make it worse, what a shock

9 year's, he's 13, she's been in his life since he's fucking 4, if she's only a stepmother that has no saying or obligation to him as a famiy, that was her own choice

Do I treat my teenager like shit and undesirable in his own house? No

Yes, 3 years without really addressing the situation from by any of the adults

My sympathy will be first and foremost with a fucking CHILD than shit parents and shitty step-parents

The fact that you expect step-mothers to just accept being ignored by a teen in her home for 3 years and to do cooking for him and do his washing shows that you do see step-mums as maids, especially when you make no mention that the father should be doing these things.

It’s not antagonising to ignore a step-son who has ignored your very existence for 3 years.

And when all you can do is call people shitty, then you really have lost the argument.

OP has no parental rights to her step-son because that’s the law. Only parents have rights, not step-parents.

What has OP written that makes you thinks she treats him like shit and undesirable? Because all I’ve seen is a woman who has been kind to her step-children for years.

You seem to be making up your own story here.

You are losing it. Might be time for a coffee.

she has only ever been polite and provided them with meals cleaning washing etc. There is a shitty parent here, but it’s the actual parent. No idea where your view comes from but it’s totally not fact based. The poor op has been treated like this for years and her shit partner has facilitated it instead of parenting.

I expect a mother or stepmother who basically was part of the child entire life to be ADULTS

Yes, shockingly some children and teenagers will act like little shits

But if your answer to their attitude boils down to "you're not nice to me so I'll stop doing anything for you", well, you are a shitty adult, period

You didn't tell her to ignore him
He gives you the silent treatment?
Give him the silent treatment
What you told OP to do was to escalate a bad situation instead of acting like an adult

Telling shitty people they're shitty is stating the facts, it doesn't invalidate any of my arguments

And yet unlike you and @nomas , quite a few people caught on OP posts that none of the children seem to exactly be really well treated and instead have selfish parents...

I would be polite but only do bare min

Quite a few people being who? You?

Again, you are placing all the grunt work on OP. You seem to forget that the child has a father who should be taking care of his own son.

Telling shitty people they're shitty is stating the facts, it doesn't invalidate any of my arguments

Of course it does, because you’re not making arguments, just insulting people.

What's his relationship with his step dad like?

Do you and DH have conversations with him together, 3 way conversations and does he ignore you then?

It does get better the older they are, my DSD was an absolute nightmare aged 9 - 16, but I just kept letting her know I was there for her, and gave her space when she stayed. DSS had his moments but we had a better relationship and he lived with us She is older now and we have a great relationship and she will come to me now instead of her mother.

I have 100% caught on that these poor children are not being parented, but that’s by their parents, and that’s obvious in my earlier comments. Their dad specifically who seems lazy spineless and selfish. The op however has done nothing wrong except for choosing this man and not calling him on it.