To end marriage due to step children

[HP200]

Probably will be flamed but here goes ….
DH has 2 DC- DD17 and DS13. DD does not visit the house but will tag along on mine and his hobby at the weekend, she will ask and be collected and dropped back at her request. When with us she will chat and be polite (isn’t much help with the hobby 🤣) but is getting grumpy that she can’t actually do the hobby as what we have is not suitable / safe for her.
DH birthday is the day after his DD and I messaged both his children inviting them out for a meal to celebrate both read message and ignored and didn’t even wish him happy birthday.
His DS comes minimum EOW (and whenever else he wants) and will not speak to me at all the whole time. DH has spoken to him time and time again and he states there is not an issue but it’s the same blank stare and no reply every time I talk to him and I feel uncomfortable when he is here and that I can’t relax in my own home. DH thinks it’s fine but I don’t want to feel uncomfortable in my own house and he clearly hates me regardless of what he tells his dad.
we have been together 9 years and parents were separated when we meet due to his mum having an affair so I didn’t end the relationship or anything

Sorry she was offered lesson by her dad but as my son has been going longer and is jumping etc so a higher level didn’t want to go to the same place or feel nervous having him around so was offered different days to him

The livery yard's owner has a toddler. That's who the Shetland is for.

You didn't mention you have your own child in your initial post. A child that shares the same hobby as you and your DH and that presumably lives with you and DH all of the time. From experience of step children/siblings, I would guess that this is the crux of the problem. Your step children are jealous of your son because he gets more time with their dad. Your DH needs to step up here. He is the adult.

Do you think his kids like him living more with someone else's kid than he does with them?

Living with a man who has kids is rarely enjoyable or life enhancing for a woman.

The thing that stands out here is that the relationship was fine until their mum introduced a new partner. To me, there's something here that needs looking at. He's either badmouthing you, or there's something in his treatment of them that makes them wary.

So because I read the word that was written rather than making up my own interpretation, and then asked what OP meant, I lack comprehension skills? Ok hon. 🤣

They don't like you, sorry to be harsh but it's probably as simple as that.

Being polite and performing pleasantries as a standard expectation is reasonable but it's also exhausting.

They probably have to do that performing in both houses and to be honest I'm sure it gets exhausting after a while.

I'm sure people will say that they will be expected to do this as standard when they are adults but realistically that's only in work places and social situations, not in your own home.

They are teenagers, so struggling with hormonal changes and on top of that probably don't feel comfortable in either house. That's a pretty miserable situation to be in. I don't understand how adults can brush that off so casually because they certainly wouldn't put up with it!

It's a bit hypocritical that people are saying the OP has a choice and deserves to be happy in her own home. These kids have a right to that too but sadly don't have a choice in the matter.

Maybe try being a bit more compassionate and understanding about how they might be feeling. Their dad really needs to up his game and be more supportive emotionally. Telling them off for being rude is just going to make the situation worse.

She is clearly interested. Could you not arrange a riding lesson for her? A shared hobby can be very bonding and fun.

Is it possible that your DSD is trying to like horses so that she has at least a chance of getting some attention from her dad? Because it sounds like unless she comes to the stables with you she doesn’t get to see him.

She can’t be all that keen on horses then. She needs to be burning with desire and happy to grab any opportunity to ride.

Otherwise the investment in time and money, and all the inherent risks (even happy hackers have their moments) are not worth it.

This is quite sad though - it’s your parents job to make sure you don’t feel like that in their (ergo) your homes.

OP it sounds like riding thing is tricky but you’re bumbling along. DH should probably make more time to spend with his DC doing other stuff but that’s hard when you have horses as they’re a lot of work.

DS is just 13, he’ll grow out of it. Telling him off isn’t going to rewire his brain and might make things worse.

Only you know if it’s bad enough to end your marriage over, but factor in how your own son would feel about another break-up and all the disruption that causes.

My step children have stopped talking to me and frankly I couldn’t care less. They can’t tell my OH a reason apparently they just don’t like me. Fair enough. We’ve been together 12 years OH and ex were divorced 11 years before I was even on the scene. They’re grown up adults and their thoughts are a reflection of them not me. They will always be welcome in my house by default but I’ve accepted their decision and feel much better for it. We bonded really well at first I went out of my way to do a lot for them without interfering always guided by them. My first marriage I had 2 step children and we are still in contact 20 years on they no longer speak to their dad for their own reasons, I have lots of contact with their children too. I think in life it’s better to accept that not everyone is going to like you and that’s fine. It’s how you react to any situation that you have to think about.

I think you, if you love your partner, maybe just have to get through it…it gets better in my experience when they aren’t teenagers….

i got an allotment and that gave me somewhere to escape to….

He’s 13 - we joke that my DS didn't speak for the whole of year 9. Rise above it. Chat in a normal way, shrug off the rudeness and eventually he’ll get over it. He’s at a difficult age with a lot going on and you’re the adult - if he was your own son, you’d have to work with it.

Which brings me to the fact that you didn’t mention your own DS at all in the first post. He is surely an important part of this dynamic? Do the boys speak (similar age)? Does DSS feel pushed out by his Dad? Is your DS the golden child? I’d look at the whole dynamic and be honest with yourselves about what us really going on here.

I found the teen years much harder than the primary years. It passes.

No matter how good a father / husband he is he cannot force his child to speak to you .
If otherwise your marriage is good and he isn't the kind of man who sees no wrong in his kids then i would ride the storm -speaking as a stepmother myself.
There will come a time when his kids begin to do their own thing and won't want to be spending their weekends or even much time in general with either parent.
I wouldn't pay much attention to comments on here that seem like criticism ,it's very easy for people without step kids to pass comment without having the faintest idea how these kids can make you feel in your own home.
I think i would try and find a solution so the girl can ride and maybe sweeten the boy up a little by buying him the odd treat ie computer game , may sound like a bribe but if everyone's life improves a little so what.
Good luck its hard .

OP, as asked before, I'm wondering how old your son is, does he live with you and what his relationship is like with dss?

Why do you keep running after your step-son?

Try ignoring him completely. Only speak to him if he speaks to you. Don’t cook for him, let DH cook for him. Don’t do his washing or lifts or anything.

Or it could be that he doesn't like the new partner at all and wishes his Mum and Dad could get back together.

OP would then be seen in his mind as a reason that this couldn't happen even though she wasn't the cause of the breakup in the first place.

It sounds like they may be unhappy with their mum. If its only been happening for 3 years. Yout husband needs to step as a dad and find out. It's not an excuse for them to be rude in your own home

Did you deliberately miss the part where the op states her DSD turns down day trips and also offers from her dad to take her out somewhere just the two of them together because she's busy with friends? 😵‍💫

So my daughter really is not bad at all. I couldn't live with that😒.

I feel sorry for these children. Imagine ending up living in 2 homes where you are forced to live with a parent’s new spouse, no place that really feels like your home.

And like others have mentioned, your own son, who was not mentioned in your OP, is very key here - how old is he and do DSD and DSS get on with him?

I'm not following the "end the marriage" part as you don't really discuss it in your post(s) but put it in the title. Are you thinking of divorcing because you've gone off your husband now that you know he's an inadequate parent to his children, or because you can't stand having the son visit?

If it's the former then I suppose if you have "the ick" over it, that might be here to stay and it's not always rational so not really a question anyone else can answer for you. If it's because of the son being rude when he visits and that's the only big problem, then perhaps have the dad see the son away from the house if he can't discipline or incentives him to be civil. He's not seeing him very much anyway.

Difficult if that's what you all do at the weekend and her choice is to either come along and work but not have the fun side that everyone else is, or to stay home alone when she's supposed to be seeing her dad.

I think both kids are not behaving well but I have some sympathy for the girl.

Sympathy for both since both their parents have moved in unrelated people and their father is living with someone else's kid presumably more than his own. That would be a real kick in the teeth to his kids.

Anyway, it doesn't sound like the marriage improves and eases OPs life, and she wants to divorce.