Remove verbally abusive boyfriend out the granny flat

[Mumofadultkid]

My DD lives in a type of granny flat on our land. She has done some pretty awful things and I have posted before and got some good advice and some different perspectives (which were all the same funnily enough), and now she is ramping up and her boyfriend has just sent us a message saying that if it were up to him, he wouldn't let her have her have a relationship with us. And his last paragraph was "go f* yourselves". This was in response to a request for more money towards electricity, as it has more than doubled, and we just can't afford it.

So, to quickly explain, my husband and I went into debt (released equity from our home) to enable them to buy this little house/granny flat. We have let them put it on our land, we are not charging them for that, and all we have asked is that they pay the loan back with regular payments. They promised they would do it within 2 years. Soon after they moved in, they defaulted on the first payment. It was one month after they moved in.

Then she stopped working, and then he cut his hours down. So they are roughly all up now on 1/3 of what they were on before. Through their decisions.

We are constantly told we are narcissistic, mentally and emotionally abusive, and we don't respect their boundaries and have been told in no uncertain terms that we are now formally estranged from them.

It really does feel like we have been played; it is our fault, we have never said no, and it seems like when we do, we get heaps of vitriol from her. In the past in panic, we have just given in ( I know! I know what you are going to say).

But now, after this email, we want to get him away - I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I just don't understand how you can speak to someone like this when we have done everything we can to help them. I get that she is feeding him with her narrative (he had a really troubled upbringing) and she connected with him as she told him "she had the same". And when I say no way, I mean no way. He had a really, really hard life. I am not sure DD knows what a hard life is, she has wanted for nothing.

This appears to be a pattern with her - and she has lost all her friends, she has one that she is close to at the moment, but she is using her ( I know that sounds awful) but she needs something from her and from next year - once she has got what she wants from her she will find a way to cancel her too, like she has all her other friends.

We are seeing a lawyer next week to trespass him off our home. We can't bring ourselves to do it to DD yet, but if we don't make a stand, I just don't know where this will end. He is very beligerant, we have made really reasonable requests in the past and he has just point-blank refused. And it is getting more aggressive. The emails and the messages are coming with us to the lawyers.

I suppose I am just looking for support. I know people will say blame the parents, and I get it. But believe me when I tell you - we have been so supportive, financially, emotionally, and physically and I just feel like this gentle parenting and not saying no to kids has really backfired on us. It feels like every time we say no we can't, we get verbally attacked. And I see how social media influencers are telling people to 'cut their toxic parents' out of their lives, without actually explaining what true toxicity is. There are people who have had a horrendous upbringing, and I don't discount that. This is not what my DD upbringing has been like.

It's making me ill, I have chest pains, and I am so stressed, and we are trying to plan for retirement and when we mention that, we just get "it's all about the money with you". We've tried to help them get ahead, at our expense - emotionally and financially.

If we let them stay, they will continue to at least make payments to the loan, but at what cost? If we ask him to leave, she is there on her own with no money, so no payments! I don't think she will move with him, and he will have to move back home to his lovely mum. We could sell it, but it won't cover the outstanding debt. We could ask them to get their own loan, but based on their income, I don't think they will get a loan.

I just feel so stuck and so sick.

It has been the worst decision we have ever made.

Please be kind

You've been treated appallingly.

I think you need to look at this pragmatically: what is the best way to recoup your money?

I'm guessing it's by removing them both and selling / renting the property.

I would evict them both.

Best thing you could do for her longterm is get them both of your land.
She is spoilt and mean. She needs to learn to to treat people better.
She already doesnt have a relationship with you. And acts like she had a bad childhood. So really what you do now won't change that.
But longterm for her and her future relationships with people . She needs to stand on her own two feet and not use you .
And I also think you won't get the money back so should just plan for a loss.
I cant see how you will remove the boyfriend alone. It seems like will have to be both or none. And none will be bad for all of you .

I remember you talking about this before. Honestly I think the only way for your own mental health is to sell the place. You're not going to get any money off either of them anyway. My worry would be that she would move into your house instead. If you could prevent that from happening I would evict both of them and sell the property. They are both absolutely appalling. It does sound as though your daughter has mental health problems but they are not ones that are going to go away. You need to protect yourselves.

He needs to go. I wouldn't let anybody speak to me like that, especially someone who wouldn't have a roof over his head but for my generosity and sacrifice.

I'm not sure how it would work practically - is trespass correct? Is he a tenant of the property that would need to be evicted? That could get messy if he refuses to leave. Do you think he'd go if asked and is she likely to follow?

As for getting your money back... unless there are major peace talks and they both get back to full time work, they're not going to pay you back as agreed.

If they both leave, you could rent or Air BnB it...that obviously comes with responsibilities but would probably be the fastest way to get your money back.

Did you have a written agreement with them for the repayments? Text messages? If it was just verbal you'd struggle in court given that they didn't even make the first payment, so you've no established history of payments and no evidence of an agreement if they deny it was a loan. Plus if they're not working and have no money, they can't pay you back even if you do win. And you'd likely do irreparable damage to your relationship with your daughter.

Unfortunately you're stuck in a bad spot. If you act by throwing him/both of them out, you're playing into the narrative they've created where you're the bad guy.

If you let them stay, it's going to have a massive impact on your day to day life, and you're unlikely to get your money back.

This all sounds incrediblely difficult, all for trying to do a good deed.

Gentle parenting doesn't mean you shouldn't say no.

gentle parenting is about recognizing your child's needs and catering to them - as well as your own needs. It absolutely means saying no and teaching your kid boundaries. But not with shouting - instead with explanations in words kids understand and consequences tied to the action.

it gets a bad rep because parents don't put the work in to properly educate themselves about it and then they set no boundaries and consequences and have ungrateful little tyrants as kids.

if you never have your daughter consequences this is on you too. Don't shit on gentle parenting if you were just lazy. Sorry to be so harsh.

you could've talked to a child psychologist early on. We're not all knowing but we should get help if it gets too much.

When they both leave the property, go change the locks and evict them both. Not sure that keeping your dd there and the bf away will work. You need to evict them both.
You’ve made a rod for your own back by caving in to her blackmail and threats. They’re trying to make you feel uncomfortable as they owe you money.

So did you buy the granny flat, or did you lend them the money to buy it? I dont think the bf is trespassing- You invited him to be there

If they are classed as tennents and need to be evicted, that would be highly illegal.

@Imisschampagne

I did take her to counselling, school was also involved.

I have obviously hit a nerve by disagreeing with gentle parenting here.

Sometimes, no matter what we do, we can't "win" or whatever that is.

@Velmy They are not classed as tenants, which is something at least for us. So, legally, we can ask them to leave. It's similar to us buying a caravan and having that on our land. It's not fixed, so it can be removed and placed somewhere else. We have the ownership papers and the loan, but they are paying the loan back. We haven't charged any rent for the land or the granny flat. It's a borrow off Mum and Dad situation if that makes sense.

@Corfumanchu We got the loan and bought it with a view to transferring it to them when the loan was paid off. Everything is in our name. They have defaulted 4 times on the loan, which has made things difficult for us as it's all in our name. They could literally walk away with no consequence. We thought the BF was so lovely, so supported it, but there were signs - he made DD put location on her phone, claiming his ex cheated, he told us we were so welcoming, and he was so lucky because his ex's parents hated him...... I was stupid.

@LadyGaGasPokerFace I think you're right, we have caved in before so as not to upset her. They also told us they can't afford to eat and can't pay their debts. I would normally help them out, and I am finding it hard not to. But this last email was beyond horrible.

I remember your previous thread. Just bite the bullet and do what needs to be done. You need to get both of them out. How do you think your daughter would react when you force her boyfriend out. Your nasty daughter would become even more nasty. You are creating a different type of problem not dealing with the main issue. You need to get them both out fast. They won't go quietly.

@Willquery123 That's one of the options, but I don't think we will get back what is still outstanding on the loan. So we might still be left with a huge debt. Ideally, they will get their own loan and move it off, but given their work situation, I don't think they will. I also know they will turn this rounds on us too - but I'm thinking we're the bad guys anyway, no matter what we do.

@Earthbound4 DH thinks the same and so do friends, but I am worried that it might just close the door on our daughter, but then again, this is her MO and I just feel that she will continue to be like this with us, until we stand up to her.

@Starlight7080 I think you're right. I suppose I was hoping that by him being gone, it might be a wake-up call for her. But thinking about it, that's when she comes back all nice.... I do think we are going to end up with a big debt. I am really regretting agreeing to it. I had a gut feeling it was going to go wrong.

@healthybychristmas Thank you - really appreciate your kind words. My other post was so long and had more information than just what I have put here. I think we will have to ask them both to move on, either with the house or without. I don't really want to put other people in there as I didn't want it in the first place. I'm starting to realise that she could have some MH issues and has probably had them for years.

@Velmy Thank you - it really does feel like a no one situation. To get to my house, I have to drive and walk past it. We resorted to keeping the window blinds shut too.

It's not about hitting a nerve, just correcting what you define as gentle parenting or what you incorrectly assumed gentle parenting is - you wrote "and I just feel like this gentle parenting and not saying no to kids has really backfired on us".

that's not gentle parenting, that's all.

I remember your last thread and I’m so sorry things are no better.
And they won’t be while this delightful man is freeloading off you and poisoning your DD with his narrative.

Sadly, I think your DD will need to go too, or he will just keep turning up like a bad penny.

Sending you strength x

@Imisschampagne Obviously the books I read, and the groups I went to, were wrong then. And absolutely no need to assume I was being lazy and "shitting" on gentle parenting because I was catering to my DD's "needs". Sorry if that sounds harsh!

@Yeahno We are worried about the fallout and damage to our property and cars too. I suppose I was just hanging on to the hope that she might wake up..... but realistically, she won't.

Is it worth documenting / trying to formalise the arrangement with them around the repayment? If they realise the alternative is market rent then your offer appeals far more appealing. Would his mother rather contribute to costs of have them living in her home? (I haven’t read your other thread but you may well be past this).

I think they come as a package deal and you can’t evict one and not the other. She’ll just stay and have him over anyway. In terms of minimising your losses - Can you change the locks and rent it out / get a lodger to recoup your costs? Is there a secondary market for it (if it’s transportable), to sell it?

oh interesting way to discuss things. Go on with it - seems to really work well for you and the people in your life.