Remove verbally abusive boyfriend out the granny flat

[Mumofadultkid]

My DD lives in a type of granny flat on our land. She has done some pretty awful things and I have posted before and got some good advice and some different perspectives (which were all the same funnily enough), and now she is ramping up and her boyfriend has just sent us a message saying that if it were up to him, he wouldn't let her have her have a relationship with us. And his last paragraph was "go f* yourselves". This was in response to a request for more money towards electricity, as it has more than doubled, and we just can't afford it.

So, to quickly explain, my husband and I went into debt (released equity from our home) to enable them to buy this little house/granny flat. We have let them put it on our land, we are not charging them for that, and all we have asked is that they pay the loan back with regular payments. They promised they would do it within 2 years. Soon after they moved in, they defaulted on the first payment. It was one month after they moved in.

Then she stopped working, and then he cut his hours down. So they are roughly all up now on 1/3 of what they were on before. Through their decisions.

We are constantly told we are narcissistic, mentally and emotionally abusive, and we don't respect their boundaries and have been told in no uncertain terms that we are now formally estranged from them.

It really does feel like we have been played; it is our fault, we have never said no, and it seems like when we do, we get heaps of vitriol from her. In the past in panic, we have just given in ( I know! I know what you are going to say).

But now, after this email, we want to get him away - I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I just don't understand how you can speak to someone like this when we have done everything we can to help them. I get that she is feeding him with her narrative (he had a really troubled upbringing) and she connected with him as she told him "she had the same". And when I say no way, I mean no way. He had a really, really hard life. I am not sure DD knows what a hard life is, she has wanted for nothing.

This appears to be a pattern with her - and she has lost all her friends, she has one that she is close to at the moment, but she is using her ( I know that sounds awful) but she needs something from her and from next year - once she has got what she wants from her she will find a way to cancel her too, like she has all her other friends.

We are seeing a lawyer next week to trespass him off our home. We can't bring ourselves to do it to DD yet, but if we don't make a stand, I just don't know where this will end. He is very beligerant, we have made really reasonable requests in the past and he has just point-blank refused. And it is getting more aggressive. The emails and the messages are coming with us to the lawyers.

I suppose I am just looking for support. I know people will say blame the parents, and I get it. But believe me when I tell you - we have been so supportive, financially, emotionally, and physically and I just feel like this gentle parenting and not saying no to kids has really backfired on us. It feels like every time we say no we can't, we get verbally attacked. And I see how social media influencers are telling people to 'cut their toxic parents' out of their lives, without actually explaining what true toxicity is. There are people who have had a horrendous upbringing, and I don't discount that. This is not what my DD upbringing has been like.

It's making me ill, I have chest pains, and I am so stressed, and we are trying to plan for retirement and when we mention that, we just get "it's all about the money with you". We've tried to help them get ahead, at our expense - emotionally and financially.

If we let them stay, they will continue to at least make payments to the loan, but at what cost? If we ask him to leave, she is there on her own with no money, so no payments! I don't think she will move with him, and he will have to move back home to his lovely mum. We could sell it, but it won't cover the outstanding debt. We could ask them to get their own loan, but based on their income, I don't think they will get a loan.

I just feel so stuck and so sick.

It has been the worst decision we have ever made.

Please be kind

As older people we often expect people to have the same values as we have. The fact that she has chosen a bloke like this says a lot about her. My relatives daughter was in a similar situation but with child. The bloke was very controlling and it took them years and many lies to get rid of him. Lawyers etc involved. Daughter still has mental health issues as does child and this is going back years now. The long term fall out has been horrendous and often people don't go away. She has had to face him down those years for child access. Would you go no contact once you got rid of them both? Is your daughter an only? Is she weak? Someone else I know had a weak daughter who is now in her 50s and living in a caravan in some god forsaken place surrounded by the debris of her life. Think about the fallout and what you want in five, ten, fifteen years time.

Can I just add. In no way is "gentle parenting" letting them do what the f they like. Its communication and consequences.

Dd is too old for parenting now. I think you at best could ask her for family counselling but i suspect she wont agree to that

Kick them out. Any chance it could be rented on airbnb?

I would send an email/message to them both and be very civil and say how you have lent them the money and allowed them to live on your land etc and they’ve completely taken the piss etc.

Say you have been left with no choice but to ask them to leave and you’re sorry it’s had to come to this but they’re obviously not happy living there and you are fed up with being used.

Make them feel very guilty and remind them of all of the things you’ve done for them.

Tell them that they need to contact the council and you will be willing to write a letter saying that you’ve asked them to leave and the reasons why.

Either it will start the ball rolling for actually getting them off of your property or it will give them a shock that you’re not a push over and they can’t treat you like shit and expect to get away with it.

If you sold your property and annex would you better off? I think downsizing could help? Cheaper area? Yes they have behaved badly. You shouldn’t have been put in this position. Always trust your gut in future op.

I also think you’re putting way too much of the blame on the bf when the DD is the one in the wrong.

He can only live there if DD allows him.

It’s her that needs to change.

He is supporting his partner who has fed him a load of lies about you.

You say they own the granny flat? I think you need to talk to the solicitors to see what the legal position is first before making any decisions.

They'd both be out by the end of today if i were in your shoes. You're enabling your daughters crappy behaviour and it's created a self entitled brat. It's time to start having boundaries with her and holding them firm.

This!

How old is your DD and does she have a career or education behind her? Is she not working because of ill health?
yoybabsilutely need to see that lawyer and get sound advice, and get the lawyer to send them letters. I think you could look at some costs if possible for them to either move the granny flat to a new rented location and give them a breakdown of the costs involved so it shows them that they can’t just live for free, if they throw the money thing at you just tell them yes you need to earn money to live, currently you’re sponging off of your parents like a parasite, you need to earn money yourself!
do you have any other children?
goos luck but that boyfriend sounds like huge trouble and your daughter needs a short sharp lesson in life

Echoing the advice to sell and move on.

Remove any emotion from communications. Write that you are financially struggling, in debt, and therefore have to downsize and move. Their deadline to move out is x.

Accept that you have gone above and beyond but that you can't control others behaviour, only your own response to it. (Trite but true).

When you move, don't tell your daughter your address to safeguard yourself and meet in neutral spaces like cafes.

Get some legal advice on the best way to serve notice. You’ll probably end up having to evict as they won’t go quietly. Make it clear to your daughter that she alone is welcome to return once she’s civil and willing to assist with the loan debt.

It’s pointless just getting shot of him. She’ll either be nice for a while, then revert, possibly moving him back in. Or she’ll kick off immediately, then possibly move him back in.

The only possible hope for her is the reality check you’ve been avoiding presenting her with for so long. It might not be too late for her to learn the life skills she lacks. It might be too late., but that’s the reality of the situation.

It happens to coincide with what’s best for you both too. Maybe you need to look at counselling/ therapy yourselves going forward. Also proper financial advice. In terms of consequences, you’ll need to be prepared to stay strong, call the police at the first sign of threats and or damage.

Your original post is a bit confusing as you say you ‘ went into debt to enable them to buy this little house/granny flat’. However subsequent posts by you say that everything is in your names?

I think she bought it "for them" and as they were originally going to service the debt she facilitated... she sees it as "theirs" despite it not being theirs at all as it's now being fully funded and is owned by her / her DH.

Are the texts and emails bad enough that the police could issue him/her/them with non molestation orders?
I read your previous post about her. She sounds horrific, and it's really coming over that you don't really want her to face the consequences- I kind of get it but that's why you're in this situation. She needs to face consequences of her actions and that will be what changes her, if anything.

As you say they're not tenants, change the locks, get non molestation orders and tell them, they're responsible for themselves. They'll have to get themselves into the real world. Sell the nanny flat and accept you won't get all the money back- but will get something to decrease your debt.

Also, FWIW gentle parenting isn't parenting without consequence or boundaries. I gentle parent my kids, but the eldest knows (younger two are only young so wouldn't fully understand yet!) That there ate boundaries and limits to what I will accept.

Do you have other children?
You need to ask them both to leave, I would then air b&b the flat/dwelling out to recoup the greatest amount of money back in the quickest amount of time.
It would also mean that you can control the people who are in it and they are only there for a very short time.
Realistically, they are not going to be able to afford to take over a loan and given the relationship breakdown you don’t want them there, things are not going to improve. They are not going to be able to pay you what it’s worth and move it elsewhere either.
It really sounds like a line needs to be drawn, regardless if it was your parenting or if she has some sort of mental health issues/personality disorder your are now at the point the situation is not tenable and they need to move in with his lovely Mother.

Get them both formally and legally removed. Do it now, because the next step will be that she’s pregnant, and you won’t have the heart to evict a child.

How old is she? I had a friend with awful NPD but in her 30s she’s largely grown out of it.

I remember your previous thread - you were advised then to get them out and off your land.
Are you really surprised that nothing has changed by you taking no action?
Your daughter sounds narcissistic and abusive and you need to get them both out.
Do you really think she’s going to happily live alone in the granny flat and magically see the error of her ways once you’ve kicked the boyfriend out?
It’s clear (and understandable) that you’d want to pin the behaviour all on him but she sounds absolutely awful.
You are enabling all of this and need to stand up to them both

First see the GP about your health.
Secondly see the solicitor for advice.

You either evict them both or none of them.
You write that you fear she's going to cut you off. You know what, for your own health and sanity, cut her off.

What she said

This is very true, if there’s a child in the mix it makes it complicated for you. I’m sorry but your dd does not respect you, if she did this wouldn’t happen. You have to cut them both loose, do it soon for your own mental health and finances.

I agree.

I also think the parents might also have breached the conditions of equity release terms which prohibit subletting. The original post suggests the parents have not sought legal or financial advice. Daughter and boyfriend know this which is why they’re taking the mick. They know the parents’ equity release loan will be accumulating compounded interest.

The daughter and her boyfriend are technically ‘licensees’ rather than tenants (assuming no tenancy agreement in place).

the Parents can serve written notice withdrawing permission to live there. If they refuse to leave, possession proceedings can be brought in court. Once permission is revoked, they may be treated as trespassers if they remain. They need to consult a solicitor to handle possession proceedings correctly and avoid unlawful eviction claims.

I think this is your only option. Sell up and downsize.
The freeloading bf will disappear hopefully if your daughter can't house him.
I hope your daughter gets help one day. Must be heartbreaking.