Remove verbally abusive boyfriend out the granny flat

[Mumofadultkid]

My DD lives in a type of granny flat on our land. She has done some pretty awful things and I have posted before and got some good advice and some different perspectives (which were all the same funnily enough), and now she is ramping up and her boyfriend has just sent us a message saying that if it were up to him, he wouldn't let her have her have a relationship with us. And his last paragraph was "go f* yourselves". This was in response to a request for more money towards electricity, as it has more than doubled, and we just can't afford it.

So, to quickly explain, my husband and I went into debt (released equity from our home) to enable them to buy this little house/granny flat. We have let them put it on our land, we are not charging them for that, and all we have asked is that they pay the loan back with regular payments. They promised they would do it within 2 years. Soon after they moved in, they defaulted on the first payment. It was one month after they moved in.

Then she stopped working, and then he cut his hours down. So they are roughly all up now on 1/3 of what they were on before. Through their decisions.

We are constantly told we are narcissistic, mentally and emotionally abusive, and we don't respect their boundaries and have been told in no uncertain terms that we are now formally estranged from them.

It really does feel like we have been played; it is our fault, we have never said no, and it seems like when we do, we get heaps of vitriol from her. In the past in panic, we have just given in ( I know! I know what you are going to say).

But now, after this email, we want to get him away - I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I just don't understand how you can speak to someone like this when we have done everything we can to help them. I get that she is feeding him with her narrative (he had a really troubled upbringing) and she connected with him as she told him "she had the same". And when I say no way, I mean no way. He had a really, really hard life. I am not sure DD knows what a hard life is, she has wanted for nothing.

This appears to be a pattern with her - and she has lost all her friends, she has one that she is close to at the moment, but she is using her ( I know that sounds awful) but she needs something from her and from next year - once she has got what she wants from her she will find a way to cancel her too, like she has all her other friends.

We are seeing a lawyer next week to trespass him off our home. We can't bring ourselves to do it to DD yet, but if we don't make a stand, I just don't know where this will end. He is very beligerant, we have made really reasonable requests in the past and he has just point-blank refused. And it is getting more aggressive. The emails and the messages are coming with us to the lawyers.

I suppose I am just looking for support. I know people will say blame the parents, and I get it. But believe me when I tell you - we have been so supportive, financially, emotionally, and physically and I just feel like this gentle parenting and not saying no to kids has really backfired on us. It feels like every time we say no we can't, we get verbally attacked. And I see how social media influencers are telling people to 'cut their toxic parents' out of their lives, without actually explaining what true toxicity is. There are people who have had a horrendous upbringing, and I don't discount that. This is not what my DD upbringing has been like.

It's making me ill, I have chest pains, and I am so stressed, and we are trying to plan for retirement and when we mention that, we just get "it's all about the money with you". We've tried to help them get ahead, at our expense - emotionally and financially.

If we let them stay, they will continue to at least make payments to the loan, but at what cost? If we ask him to leave, she is there on her own with no money, so no payments! I don't think she will move with him, and he will have to move back home to his lovely mum. We could sell it, but it won't cover the outstanding debt. We could ask them to get their own loan, but based on their income, I don't think they will get a loan.

I just feel so stuck and so sick.

It has been the worst decision we have ever made.

Please be kind

If you are worried about them damaging your property/cars then get plenty of outdoor cameras. Make it clear to them that any damage they do that you will have it on camera and you will go to the police.
You never know if she stands on he own two feet . Supports herself she may come to realise how much you have done for her and how spoilt she has behaved .
I remember your last post and she has been awful to you. Not just her boyfriend although he definitely needs to go.
You should focus on you and your husband. You need to be able to relax at home.

Agreed

Also the fact you think they'd do this shows you just HOW far this has gone....

Unlikely that daughter will cut mother off since mother is the one with land and housing assets. If anything the daughter needs to worry about being cut off.

Im so sorry to hear you are in this situation. It sounds like your daughter has a personality disorder of some kind, and if this is the case it might be unrealistic to expect drastic changes in how she is currently behaving. I understand you fear doing damage to your relationship with her, but honestly from what you’ve described , it doesn’t sound like a relationship most people would want for themselves anyway. This is a case of making the best of what you have. She won’t change, he won’t change, they won’t repay you. The relationship is completely dysfunctional. You are in a position of financial and emotional stress… do what you need to do to get them out (maybe seek half an hour legal advice first just to double check you aren’t leaving yourself exposed to later action from them), get the cabin on Airbnb and the booking sites, stop hurting yourself in order to meet your daughters every need.

Agree with this - OP's rather full-on reaction to a gentle correction of what gentle parenting is certainly made me wonder whether we're getting the full story here (noting that we only ever get one side of any story ofc).

They both need to go, but I think you’ll find they’ll not be easy to remove. Can you cut off the services to the annex?

I would say, don’t discount renting it out (Airbnb or similar) in order to recoup some losses. Is it possible to move it elsewhere on the land?

Get them both out and list the reasons why then i would message your daughter and say you will always love her and be there for her but her behavior is not ok, that if she is abusive you cant support her and that you will also not tollerate abuse from her partner, that she needs a full time job and to support herself, i would get them out today and say to your daughter she can live in your house for 6 weeks while she finds a room to rent somewhere but that hes not allowed on your property

At this point you need the loan repayment paid and as little contact as possible for the time being. I would suggest something along lines of:

"You're right, it is all about money right now, as your treatment of me is so disappointing that I do not want much to do with you at the moment on a personal level, although i do love you and hope we can repair our personal relationship in the future. Your boyfriend however, i do not like or love or have any responsibility to house or keep around - it is purely out of necessity that I am not evicting him out on his ear - because I need the pair of you making the payments you agreed to make. So the choice is yours, you either make the payments of £XYZ a month, plus the increased electricity charge of £XYZ or you can find somewhere else to rent and we will AirBnB this until we can sell it."

I would avoid getting into a personal thing about her saying her childhood was hard and shes so hard done by. I would just shut all that down and redirect her back to the topic.

This isn’t good advice. Firstly it may not be a breach of planning control if the accommodation meets the definition of a caravan and is being used by family. Secondly even if it were a breach any enforcement notice would be served on the OP as owner of the land

What about making a claim for the repayments through the Small Claims Court?

Sounds like a nightmare.
The sensible thing to do is to get them out, sell the mobile home and put it towards the loan balance. Then reorganise your finances so that you can manage.
Forget counselling for her, it sounds like you need counselling for yourself to work out how you mentally allow yourself to do this.

Agree.

This is the time to take action, Op. Good luck.

And id write the money off. If you stick to your decision not to put loads of money her way at every crisis, you will find you can manage

I would turf him out without question, and swiftly followed by your daughter I'm afraid. I would also make sure I have cameras set up in case they do kick off and damage your property

So you own the land and live in the house on the land. And there is now a granny flat on the land as well? I take it, that is legal, yes?

So if they weren't living there, you could rent it out to cover the costs/get your money back, yes? Or is renting out a GF not allowed in your council area?

If you have a tenancy agreement, you need to follow the steps in it.

If you have no tenancy agreement with them, you'll need police to move them out. ie they abuse you, you call the police and tell them you want these people removed.

In the short term, can you get bills separated out so that they have to pay for electricity etc direct?

I think this is harsh actually.
We have a poster who sounds pretty fragile and you tell her to "don't shit on gentle parenting" 😯
To me it seems like you couldn't resist getting a kick in.

I think you need to evict them both . In the meantime is there a way to cut the electric off to the granny flat ?

Yep
For someone who is all about gentle parenting, she sure does come across as a bit of a tyrant.

This sounds so difficult. Could you evict them and use the annex as a holiday let to try and generate some income?

OP sorry you are going through this. My advice is to evict them both and rent out the granny flat to recoup your money. You daughter needs to learn to be responsible and clearly she's not going to do that while you are footing the bill.

Both need to go op your husband and friends are right. Serious wake up call might be only thing that works here.

They arent paying their debt, so financially them staying or going makes no difference.

For your own peace get them both out. I might give dd an option to stay alone, if she gets a job and saves a deposit to leave within 6 months. I wouldnt want her paying off the debt as it is too difficult a relationship to have her live there long term.

Don't be guilted by their "cant afford to eat" i wouldnt be able to afford to eat either if I stopped working.

I also remember the previous thread. I think I wondered then if the DD had some form of PDA and therefore OP was almost 'forced' into a version of gentle parenting where she tried to avoid the word 'no' simply because of the repercussions (and yes, I am VERY well aware that that's not how you treat a child with PDA, just that OP might have been dealing with this without help and not realised).

I think the time has arrived for a great big 'NO!' They both need to leave, but you need to be prepared, OP, because I doubt they will go easily and they will try to destroy as much as they can on their way. Your little separate house might be set on fire, as they attempt a true version of 'scorched earth' on their way. I have no idea how you are going to prevent this from happening, but good insurance might help.

I know it will be hard but I agree with you DH and friends. This has gone too far and for too long already. Start legal proceedings to get them both out. Tell your daughter you love her but you cannot continue in this toxic relationship with her.