Remove verbally abusive boyfriend out the granny flat

[Mumofadultkid]

My DD lives in a type of granny flat on our land. She has done some pretty awful things and I have posted before and got some good advice and some different perspectives (which were all the same funnily enough), and now she is ramping up and her boyfriend has just sent us a message saying that if it were up to him, he wouldn't let her have her have a relationship with us. And his last paragraph was "go f* yourselves". This was in response to a request for more money towards electricity, as it has more than doubled, and we just can't afford it.

So, to quickly explain, my husband and I went into debt (released equity from our home) to enable them to buy this little house/granny flat. We have let them put it on our land, we are not charging them for that, and all we have asked is that they pay the loan back with regular payments. They promised they would do it within 2 years. Soon after they moved in, they defaulted on the first payment. It was one month after they moved in.

Then she stopped working, and then he cut his hours down. So they are roughly all up now on 1/3 of what they were on before. Through their decisions.

We are constantly told we are narcissistic, mentally and emotionally abusive, and we don't respect their boundaries and have been told in no uncertain terms that we are now formally estranged from them.

It really does feel like we have been played; it is our fault, we have never said no, and it seems like when we do, we get heaps of vitriol from her. In the past in panic, we have just given in ( I know! I know what you are going to say).

But now, after this email, we want to get him away - I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I just don't understand how you can speak to someone like this when we have done everything we can to help them. I get that she is feeding him with her narrative (he had a really troubled upbringing) and she connected with him as she told him "she had the same". And when I say no way, I mean no way. He had a really, really hard life. I am not sure DD knows what a hard life is, she has wanted for nothing.

This appears to be a pattern with her - and she has lost all her friends, she has one that she is close to at the moment, but she is using her ( I know that sounds awful) but she needs something from her and from next year - once she has got what she wants from her she will find a way to cancel her too, like she has all her other friends.

We are seeing a lawyer next week to trespass him off our home. We can't bring ourselves to do it to DD yet, but if we don't make a stand, I just don't know where this will end. He is very beligerant, we have made really reasonable requests in the past and he has just point-blank refused. And it is getting more aggressive. The emails and the messages are coming with us to the lawyers.

I suppose I am just looking for support. I know people will say blame the parents, and I get it. But believe me when I tell you - we have been so supportive, financially, emotionally, and physically and I just feel like this gentle parenting and not saying no to kids has really backfired on us. It feels like every time we say no we can't, we get verbally attacked. And I see how social media influencers are telling people to 'cut their toxic parents' out of their lives, without actually explaining what true toxicity is. There are people who have had a horrendous upbringing, and I don't discount that. This is not what my DD upbringing has been like.

It's making me ill, I have chest pains, and I am so stressed, and we are trying to plan for retirement and when we mention that, we just get "it's all about the money with you". We've tried to help them get ahead, at our expense - emotionally and financially.

If we let them stay, they will continue to at least make payments to the loan, but at what cost? If we ask him to leave, she is there on her own with no money, so no payments! I don't think she will move with him, and he will have to move back home to his lovely mum. We could sell it, but it won't cover the outstanding debt. We could ask them to get their own loan, but based on their income, I don't think they will get a loan.

I just feel so stuck and so sick.

It has been the worst decision we have ever made.

Please be kind

You need to evict them both as your daughter needs more than a wake up call.

I would be going to have a little chat to the local police first though. I'd be worried about either of them causing damage to the property out of spite. Perhaps the police could give advice on how to manage the eviction.

Sometimes you have to admit that despite your best efforts and persevering over a very long time, you have produced a child who is thoroughly unpleasant, manipulative, convinced all their problems are your fault and is dangerous to you. Often they partner up with somebody equally hopeless who reinforces their behaviour. I think you and your husband now have to protect yourselves physically and financially and get her off your property. She and her boyfriend had no intention and now no ability to repay you the money you outlaid. I think you need to change the locks, and install cameras and any other practical security measures. I don't blame you for doing this.

They both need to go. Get yourselves some paying tenants (who are not relatives) and let them learn how to adult. “No is a full sentence.”

Yep. This.

Get the police involved if needs be.
Either sell the ambiguous living structure or rent it out to repay the debt youve acquired.

You also need to be prepared for a period of NC. She may come back round, she may not... but if she does she will know there are boundaries and you will likely have a more respectful relationship

Hardly the most important part of the post though eh.

“his last paragraph was "go f* yourselves". This was in response to a request for more money towards electricity, as it has more than doubled, and we just can't afford it.”

OP, could you cut off the electricity? Quite clearly, both your DD and her toxic freeloaders of a BF think that you will carry on bankrolling them no matter what. Perhaps a demonstration that you are not quite the soft touch they think would be a wake up call to them? I agree with others, that if you tell the BF to leave, your DD will just keep having him back, and tell you that she’s allowed to have friends. I think the trouble is that at the moment, both of them clearly think they can do whatever they like, and you will put up with it. You will have to demonstrate that this is not the case.

How long have they lived in this ‘ mobile home / granny flat , it’s not clear . You can’t just put a residential unit on land and move in without planning permission . I’d get onto a planning consultant or council and ask what the rules are re 4 yrs 10 yrs . If it falls outside this get the councils planning enforcement team on it and they will go through a process to remove it . Your family won’t know who advised them either because that information is private .

I may have read this wrong, but could your husband and yourself sell the whole property and land, including your home and maybe downsize? Clear off debt and simply have a fresh start?

We have a version on your DD in my family, everyone and their next door neighbours have tried to help her, model respect and kindness, she hasn’t had it tough but she manipulates reality and fully believes her version. A throughly unpleasant person who has created more pain and suffering to her lovely parents than a villain in a book could manage. I know that you love your DD and don’t want to have to cut ties but life is short, you’re literally getting chest pains and are clearly in emotional turmoil. Let her go it alone and recoup your losses and try to enjoy your life without her cruelty towards you.

If the agreement is documented and formalised, won’t that give the BF some rights? As it stands, everything is in OP’s name and he’s pretty much a guest with a verbal agreement to stay.

Not sure to be honest. The tonality and depiction of being utterly faultless except being too kind and the kid being the sole part to blame because they're truly abhorrent is some kind of a beige flag to me. Doesn't need to be a red flag but sometimes stories like these are not a real depiction of the reality. The responsibility laying on others the gentle parenting kind of fit into the missing missing reasons trope....

plus there are enough replies to OP who already tell her to Evict both of the circumstances are as presented :)

but seeing myself out of this thread. Have a good day!

Agree they need to go but why do you mention the home going with them? If it’s in your name and you are owed money why give it to them? They are unlikely to be able to meet the cost of moving it and if they take it somewhere and fail to pay site rent it will all come back to you as the owner giving you more debt. Surely more sensible to sell or rent it out but at least use it to reduce your debt. You are making a rod for your own back by not being firm about this

You seem to be under the misapprehension that evicting them will get you into debt. You are already there, from the point you took out the loan. On the assumption that you will get no more from them, what is your next step? You can rent or air bnb out the tiny house. You can sell it. Either will get you money incoming. Don't hold onto it just because of the sunken costs fallacy. Time to start putting you and your husband first, not adult freeloaders.

You are being unreasonable in that you are blaming him when his behaviour is in direct correlation to what is being spouted off by your daughter.

get rid of them both. He is not the problem SHE IS. he is there because of her, he talksto you like that because of her, they won’t pay you back because of HER.

I think you have to look at the bigger picture here. I think you're going to have to take a loss with the money and see it as a big mistake but with good intentions. And don't let it destroy you as you did it out of love.

BUT, you need to get this toad of a boyfriend removed from your land and away from your daughter! He has made it clear he wouldn't let her have anything to do with you, and abusers always try and isolate their victims from friends and family. Your daughters friendship losses will also be down to this nasty pig. These men will always come across as charming at first to gain trust. It's a typical manipulation tactic.

Your daughter may well follow this prize pratt, but by the sounds of it, they won't financially survive.

If your daughter eventually sees sense, and she will one day, then you can be there for her. And she may do well to do the freedom programme in the meantime.

If the house can be moved can you sell it and have someone take it away?

Can it be put on an electric meter. So if they don't top it up then no electricity?

We are living in a crazy world where kind people are taken for granted, used and treated appallingly. Trust me, I know. You need to develop a very thick skin and change your mindset from one of kindness to one of driven self interest. You need to get them both out. They will call you every name under the sun so you have to be deaf as well. Good luck!

Evict your daughter. You keep blaming everything around her when you have to accept that she is just not a nice person. You recognise she is manipulative and a user and a liar.

unless you stand firm she will make you lose your house and then still ask for more. You need to woman up and stop rolling over. Other wise she will send you both to an early grave and then piss on it.

Not the same experience, but similarish issue. I had to get tough and really put myself first with a DC. It meant over a year of nightmare behaviour, but the outcome of that was that it made my DC even harder to live with, which made my perspective even easier to maintain.

Eventually, they left, and while we will never have the relationship I would have liked, I now accept that. Things aren't as awful and hostile as they used to be and we can have a friendly (most of the time) relationship now. I can be supportive and do things for them (as parents like to do). BUT every now and then the old hostility rears its head. At which point I step back. Now they're not living in my environment, that is easier to do.

I guess my point is, you have to get tough. Stop taking pity on them or their situation. They're adults. They have to work things out for themselves. Until they do they'll never grow up and you won't have peace of mind until they do.

I think if it were me I’d go down the nuclear route of selling the whole lot and moving somewhere else. You can tell your daughter it’s for financial reasons (which is partly true). She can then find her own place, with or without the boyfriend.

You need to detach, one way or another, if you ever want to find peace.

Agree with pp that you are already in debt and only you are liable for the loan.
As this situation has continued to be terrible, ‘no actions taken’ is not working and you are more ill.

Your daughter is an adult and is responsible for her actions. Sell the caravan, using whatever money you get repay them an equivalent percentage of what they have paid of the loan so far. It’s not up to you what job they do or how awful the boyfriend is, it’s her adult life and she’s not taking advice. Shes bitten the hand that feeds her and that is a lesson that will cost you and her financially. Look at this as an expensive lesson in managing trust and remember your daughters nature.

You can tell the police your fear of damage to your property and see what they advise?

I think you need to realise you have already lost your DD, she may or may not find her way back to you, but right now there will be nothing you can do to win her back. So pull up your big girl pants and start the formal process of evicting them both so you can sell or rent the annex. You won't recoup your money but it will cap the losses.

As an aside I agree with @Imisschampagne , gentle parenting is not the same as not saying no. No boundaries equals spoiling and you are continuing to do so at great cost to yourself, financially, emotionally and mentally. Why?

Honestly, you need to evict them both.

They are so disconnected from reality, and have no clue what it means to stand on their own two feet, take responsibility for anything and actually pay their own way in the world.

All your daughter is learning right now is increasing disrespect for you.

You cannot control whether or not she will have a relationship with you at this point - it doesn't sound like much of a relationship any case. I'd evict them both, be very clear about why this is, let your daughter know the doors are always open for her to have a relationship with you but it is on your terms (I'd probably make some kind of therapy mandatory personally) and there would be exactly zero cash handouts coming until she gets her shit together.

Why are you enabling this dreadful behaviour and attitudes towards you, when you've done so much for her?

You're being taken for a mug OP and the blame being put on you is meant to control you as you constantly try to prove you're kind to them.

They know what they're doing and have you where they want you.

Two can play that game though:
As they seem so unhappy there, you've decided they should move to somewhere they'll be happier.

A shame as you've tried but clearly not good enough. Wish them the best and give them the notice.

I have no advice but I just wanted to give you a virtual hug OP. What a horrible situation. It will feel awful for you, but you should evict them both- they haven't paid, your daughter isn't working, and they are unkind and entitled. If you've always supported her, a dose of real life might be exactly what she needs. When you struggle, remember that her life isn't great now- jobless, stuck at home with a controlling arsehole, no ambition and stuck in a spiral of self-pity. You're going to force her to do something, and that's good parenting.