Remove verbally abusive boyfriend out the granny flat

[Mumofadultkid]

My DD lives in a type of granny flat on our land. She has done some pretty awful things and I have posted before and got some good advice and some different perspectives (which were all the same funnily enough), and now she is ramping up and her boyfriend has just sent us a message saying that if it were up to him, he wouldn't let her have her have a relationship with us. And his last paragraph was "go f* yourselves". This was in response to a request for more money towards electricity, as it has more than doubled, and we just can't afford it.

So, to quickly explain, my husband and I went into debt (released equity from our home) to enable them to buy this little house/granny flat. We have let them put it on our land, we are not charging them for that, and all we have asked is that they pay the loan back with regular payments. They promised they would do it within 2 years. Soon after they moved in, they defaulted on the first payment. It was one month after they moved in.

Then she stopped working, and then he cut his hours down. So they are roughly all up now on 1/3 of what they were on before. Through their decisions.

We are constantly told we are narcissistic, mentally and emotionally abusive, and we don't respect their boundaries and have been told in no uncertain terms that we are now formally estranged from them.

It really does feel like we have been played; it is our fault, we have never said no, and it seems like when we do, we get heaps of vitriol from her. In the past in panic, we have just given in ( I know! I know what you are going to say).

But now, after this email, we want to get him away - I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I just don't understand how you can speak to someone like this when we have done everything we can to help them. I get that she is feeding him with her narrative (he had a really troubled upbringing) and she connected with him as she told him "she had the same". And when I say no way, I mean no way. He had a really, really hard life. I am not sure DD knows what a hard life is, she has wanted for nothing.

This appears to be a pattern with her - and she has lost all her friends, she has one that she is close to at the moment, but she is using her ( I know that sounds awful) but she needs something from her and from next year - once she has got what she wants from her she will find a way to cancel her too, like she has all her other friends.

We are seeing a lawyer next week to trespass him off our home. We can't bring ourselves to do it to DD yet, but if we don't make a stand, I just don't know where this will end. He is very beligerant, we have made really reasonable requests in the past and he has just point-blank refused. And it is getting more aggressive. The emails and the messages are coming with us to the lawyers.

I suppose I am just looking for support. I know people will say blame the parents, and I get it. But believe me when I tell you - we have been so supportive, financially, emotionally, and physically and I just feel like this gentle parenting and not saying no to kids has really backfired on us. It feels like every time we say no we can't, we get verbally attacked. And I see how social media influencers are telling people to 'cut their toxic parents' out of their lives, without actually explaining what true toxicity is. There are people who have had a horrendous upbringing, and I don't discount that. This is not what my DD upbringing has been like.

It's making me ill, I have chest pains, and I am so stressed, and we are trying to plan for retirement and when we mention that, we just get "it's all about the money with you". We've tried to help them get ahead, at our expense - emotionally and financially.

If we let them stay, they will continue to at least make payments to the loan, but at what cost? If we ask him to leave, she is there on her own with no money, so no payments! I don't think she will move with him, and he will have to move back home to his lovely mum. We could sell it, but it won't cover the outstanding debt. We could ask them to get their own loan, but based on their income, I don't think they will get a loan.

I just feel so stuck and so sick.

It has been the worst decision we have ever made.

Please be kind

I can't imagine how hard this is for you. You've done brilliantly in standing your ground and moving this forward but I'm sure that gives little comfort to you. I hope things get better for you. Now that you have stood firm you are getting more respectful engagement from them. Stay on track and work toward what is best for you now. You are doing the right thing here.

It’s really hard on you OP. You never know but this may actually be the best thing for your relationship. Your daughter now knows you set boundaries, respect yourself and in time she’ll respect you too . Give it time .

So for them to live in the house they now need to buy a plot of land for it that they get flattened/ concrete base suitable for a house and then pay for house and transport of house. It seems a fangle and I wonder if you are better selling it and if you want to give her money give her a small amount from the sale each month that she can spend on renting somewhere. I don’t think children properly grow up until they move away from their parents. Putting them at the bottom of the garden is too near

@hattie43 Thank you, I had a huge panic attack yesterday, it hit me all at once. The last time I had a panic attack was when I returned to work after having cancer - I had never had them before. I'm utterly heartbroken, and I know it's the right thing to do - I can only hope one day she will reflect and realise she had a good life, but I don't know. She is 23 now - can she change?

@2Rebecca That's a really good point and our solicitor popped them in his letter to them. Any money left over, we are happy to return to them. We should never have done it in the first place.

@regista Thank you for your kind words, honestly, I really needed to hear that. Dh has told me to pop back on here and read all the comments as I am having a huge wobble ( I don't want her back) I'm just really sad that it has come to this.

You’re doing the right thing, OP. It is incredibly hard but not doing it will harm your DD more in the long wrong. She needs to learn how to be a responsible adult. Hugs.

I think you'd be hard pressed to find a parent who wouldn't feel sad in your situation. I guess it must feel almost like a breakup, you want them back to take the immediate pain away but a day later you're remembering why it ended...

Things couldn't go on as they were & you've made huge steps to change the pattern. You're bound to be feeling a mix of so many emotions, they'll take some time to work themselves out but this sadness won't go on forever.

Things will be okay.

I think any parent would be upset, for the first time in her life you have stood up to your daughter. She’s had a huge reality check.
I wouldn’t be considering giving her any money, unless she’s legally entitled to some . What message would it give her ? It’s ok to be abusive to you , it’s ok to walk all over you andyou will still finance her ? In no circumstances would I be worried about my retirement while funding a lazy DD and her boyfriend.

Well done OP. Seconding those who said to change the locks (and rig things so utilities can't be reconnected, if possible) - he's already come back once you thought he'd accepted he was out on at least one occasion, right? They might both do it, when they see they're not getting a free ride anywhere else.

Don't sell it to them - you don't want any more financial entanglement with them, ever. If they can afford to buy this one, they can afford another. (And why would you want to enable anything that would make it harder for her to split from this awful man?). Sell it to someone else pronto and get it gone.

Hi Op. I've followed this thread. You've asked if a 23 year old young woman can change. I think that their behaviour can, absolutely, but not their personality. My DD has matured incredibly over the last few years (she's 27 now). But whilst she has in the past behaved appallingly towards her father and I, it's been her reaction to stressful situations. This isn't me trying to make excuses for her by the way. She now has the ability to work beyond lashing out at us. And she was always a good person in my opinion at her heart.

I wish you and your DH the very best.

It's absolutely okay to have a wobble. You are technically grieving the loss of your child. Despite the way she treated you and your DH, and used you, she's still your daughter. It's natural to feel that pain, and wonder if there was another way to deal with it. In your heart, you know there wasn't.

You already gave your DD and her BF plenty of chances to meet the terms of the agreement and they failed. And when you and your DH started to feel threatened, you had no alternative but to bring the situation to an end to protect yourselves, as well as your own financial future.

It's corny to say birds don't learn to fly unless they're kicked out of the nest, but it's true. She will find her wings. All the very best OP.

The answer to that is that almost anyone can change if they want to (there are a very few people at the far end of the bell curve who seem unable to, but they're rare).

But the absolute key in almost all circumstances is that they have to want to. It also comes harder the older you are. 23 is fairly old to have the final boundary drawn for the first time, so it might go either way.

The more she is surrounded by people who tell her that she's right and you're awful, the less chance there is that she'll want to change. Conversely if she gets feedback that she's had every chance in the world and now she has to look after herself, she might well take it hard but eventually look at her own behaviour and start to realise. if she starts to change, it will take some years though - probably quite a few.

I'm afraid that the very best thing you can do for her now is to keep on drawing that line. It's the only thing that will help now, sadly. No amount of kindness and help has achieved anything for her. Your love for her hasn't changed, but the way you express it has and you need to keep on with that.

She may come back to you eventually as a mature and decent person (it has to be in there somewhere) or she may stay as she is. Fingers and toes crossed for you - your love for her shines out.