Remove verbally abusive boyfriend out the granny flat

[Mumofadultkid]

My DD lives in a type of granny flat on our land. She has done some pretty awful things and I have posted before and got some good advice and some different perspectives (which were all the same funnily enough), and now she is ramping up and her boyfriend has just sent us a message saying that if it were up to him, he wouldn't let her have her have a relationship with us. And his last paragraph was "go f* yourselves". This was in response to a request for more money towards electricity, as it has more than doubled, and we just can't afford it.

So, to quickly explain, my husband and I went into debt (released equity from our home) to enable them to buy this little house/granny flat. We have let them put it on our land, we are not charging them for that, and all we have asked is that they pay the loan back with regular payments. They promised they would do it within 2 years. Soon after they moved in, they defaulted on the first payment. It was one month after they moved in.

Then she stopped working, and then he cut his hours down. So they are roughly all up now on 1/3 of what they were on before. Through their decisions.

We are constantly told we are narcissistic, mentally and emotionally abusive, and we don't respect their boundaries and have been told in no uncertain terms that we are now formally estranged from them.

It really does feel like we have been played; it is our fault, we have never said no, and it seems like when we do, we get heaps of vitriol from her. In the past in panic, we have just given in ( I know! I know what you are going to say).

But now, after this email, we want to get him away - I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I just don't understand how you can speak to someone like this when we have done everything we can to help them. I get that she is feeding him with her narrative (he had a really troubled upbringing) and she connected with him as she told him "she had the same". And when I say no way, I mean no way. He had a really, really hard life. I am not sure DD knows what a hard life is, she has wanted for nothing.

This appears to be a pattern with her - and she has lost all her friends, she has one that she is close to at the moment, but she is using her ( I know that sounds awful) but she needs something from her and from next year - once she has got what she wants from her she will find a way to cancel her too, like she has all her other friends.

We are seeing a lawyer next week to trespass him off our home. We can't bring ourselves to do it to DD yet, but if we don't make a stand, I just don't know where this will end. He is very beligerant, we have made really reasonable requests in the past and he has just point-blank refused. And it is getting more aggressive. The emails and the messages are coming with us to the lawyers.

I suppose I am just looking for support. I know people will say blame the parents, and I get it. But believe me when I tell you - we have been so supportive, financially, emotionally, and physically and I just feel like this gentle parenting and not saying no to kids has really backfired on us. It feels like every time we say no we can't, we get verbally attacked. And I see how social media influencers are telling people to 'cut their toxic parents' out of their lives, without actually explaining what true toxicity is. There are people who have had a horrendous upbringing, and I don't discount that. This is not what my DD upbringing has been like.

It's making me ill, I have chest pains, and I am so stressed, and we are trying to plan for retirement and when we mention that, we just get "it's all about the money with you". We've tried to help them get ahead, at our expense - emotionally and financially.

If we let them stay, they will continue to at least make payments to the loan, but at what cost? If we ask him to leave, she is there on her own with no money, so no payments! I don't think she will move with him, and he will have to move back home to his lovely mum. We could sell it, but it won't cover the outstanding debt. We could ask them to get their own loan, but based on their income, I don't think they will get a loan.

I just feel so stuck and so sick.

It has been the worst decision we have ever made.

Please be kind

When you visit the lawyer, be sure to find out what steps you're legally allowed to take regarding putting up cameras around both your properties so you are able to see when either DD or her BF approach your house or vehicles. This is for your protection and also to gather evidence.

Be prepared to record all future phone calls with DD and her BF, and keep copies of anything they send you (email, texts, handwritten notes). Next, send a letter addressed to your DD giving notice you are switching off the utilities in 30 days if there is no payment, because you can't afford to subsidise them any longer.

This is your test run to see how they react. If they ignore you? Cut the electricity/gas/water off as promised when the 30 days is up. Abuse? You'll have evidence to show the police. And if they cause physical damage it'll be recorded.

Getting them out won't be fast or easy. They will argue and be nasty, then, once they realise you're serious, will probably start playing nice to get you back to being compliant. Do not fall for it. You need to fix this before she gets pregnant because that'll be her trump card.

Let us know what the lawyer says. All the best OP.

@Namechange2700000 That did cross our minds, we thought she was messaging on his FB ,but then it switched to his emails. It's a good point. There are some phrases that sound like her, but there are some new ones too

@Mumofadultkid sounds like both of them need to be evicted. if no lease then evict them as squatters!! accept that daughter's relationship with you is at the point of no return and will not improve. also, disconnect electricity to annexe. if on same circuit board, then remove the fuse which provides their electric.

OP, this sounds awful. speak to the lawyer. But from a human perspective please be prepared that if you kick him out she may follow.

OP, they both need to be evicted.
Your daughter will behave as she wishes.
You cannot change her.
Change how YOU behave and stop accepting this awful treatment.

Get them out and protect your health, while you still can.
She will bleed you dry, they both will.

I’m inclined to agree with this.

Why don’t either of them work full time hours? What do they do with their time?

They see you both as money pots to bankroll their lives and nothing will change until you stop paying.

OP, sell up.

I understand that you don’t want to lose the relationship with your daughter but, in the gentlest way to say it, that has already happened. She has no respect for her parents, no appreciation for the help given to her nor any care of the impact this is having on you. This is likely to get worse so you have to bite the bullet and take action.
sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind - take legal advice and get them both out of the property and away from you. Do not tolerate any bad behaviour, language or action towards you - grey rock it where you can (ie silence it; block messaging if necessary) if it’s an illegal act, such as damage to your property or threats towards you, then involve the police.
you have to be strong in both your interests and hers. She is never going to change as things stand so you can only hope she wakes up/ wises up / grows up and changes - but there’s nothing more you do for her.
write her an email etc at some stage to let her know you will always love her, have done the best for her but cannot tolerate any more bad behaviour or abuse. If and when she is willing to have a respectful relationship then that’s great, until then there can be no contact as it’s not in anyone’s interests.

the boyfriend isn’t the focus here, he’s nothing to you - it’s your daughter who is aware of how he is also treating you and doing nothing. Don’t let him become the focus when that should be on your daughter.

so get them out, take legal measures so they can’t return, put up cameras to protect your property, go limited or no contact and consider moving away.

it’s up to you: continue living like this or take action.

My DC was shocked when I told them I saw them as a user, draining me of money and resources while being too lazy to work themselves. It caused a massive row (understandably) BUT I think something went in on some level, because within a year, a full-time job had materialised and eventually, after a LOT of rowing and unpleasantness, they moved out.

Our relationship is irreversibly damaged BUT it has improved from what it was at that low point.

I'm going to sound like a horrible old curmudgeon here, making very wide sweeping statements, but... I think there is a level of entitlement to this generation. I think it comes from being parented by parents (my generation) who themselves have never had to face huge, external hardship (as in going to war, facing famine or huge difficulties). All these adult children have ever seen is a stable society and don't necessarily understand the hard work that was going on out of sight. Without an overt struggle (war for example) they think everything is for the taking and don't realise it has to be worked HARD for. My DC has no real idea of the depths of poverty I spent my childhood in, because by the time I had my babies, I was no longer poor. Despite even as an adult, them seeing me leave the house at 6.30am, returning home at 6/7pm AND working at home in the evening and at weekends, the link wasn't made.

My DC is starting to see how hard life is now, as a parent who also works full-time. Comments have been made about only having an hour a day with THEIR child and no time for housework. So it's coming.

But I'd done my time. I supported them AND continued to carry them financially way after the stage at which I was financially independent as a young person. And it had to stop at some point. But it was a fight to get that message across and it was a fight to make them see it was time for them to work hard and be independent.

Never let you daughter have POA or be executor of your will or anything like that - she's exactly the type to rob and abuse a vulnerable elderly person. Do you have other kids?

Time to chuck them both out, not just him. Something tells me that when he's not getting a free ride off her any more, she and you will soon be seeing the back of him. Maybe one day she'll thank you for getting rid of the prick.

This sounds like an incredibly stressful situation and I remember your previous post on this but it’s clearly escalating and needs a solution now. It does sound like only viable solution will be them leaving. Your dd bf once had a good job and your daughter is well educated too so they will be able to get jobs and support themselves they just might not like it! But in the long run it’ll be beneficial to them as they seem to be existing in some weird codependent bubble of the whole world being against them.

What do your other children think? Are any still at home? How are they with your Dd and could they talk to her to try calm things a bit?

OP - I would get some good legal advice, and evict them both. Give them a taste of managing in the real world, paying their own bills.

@Mumofadultkid you posted at the beginning of June about the situation. What did you do at that stage? You got some great advice. It won’t be easy, but unless you take action, nothing will change.

Exactly. And the retaliatory pushback from them will be awful. You can't get through this without their angry / awful / horrible response. So steel yourself and take action.

Tough love here op. What a terrible situation. Cut off the wifi and electric. Get advice how to evict them both

Tough love here op. What a terrible situation. Cut off the wifi and electric. Get advice how to evict them both

"I think we will have to ask them both to move on, either with the house or without."

That would be leaving it up to them to make the decision of what the best choice is... the net result will be nothing happens apart from them arguing back because you have not planned the steps for how this will happen whether they agree or not.

You should be making that decision whether they move on with the house or without it base on what the best option is for YOU and after taking legal and financial advice. Then you will know what steps to take and how to get the process started.

@FrogFalacy My other DS is away and has tried to speak to them, but he is fed up with it all and is now getting snippy with us, and I understand that. I think that's why he moved away, they have tried to get in between us and him and thankfully he can see through it, but it's still stressful for him. So we have chosen not to being him into it anymore. In the email, they even said we had lost our son! Which is absolutely not true, it's just seems like lies after lies after lies. It's hard but we do have an appointment on Thursday with a solicitor. I have been reading online about this estrangement epidemic; it seems to be happening a lot. And I know it's easier to blame the parents, I get that, and I know I am not perfect, but I truly did the best that I could. I really should have said no years ago....... hindsight! I fell for the "if you loved me you wouldn't say, do this"

@Elsvieta It's funny you should say that, as I always used to joke, 'don't let her be in charge of my care, as she would pull the plug...' I honestly believe she would too.

Are you ready to let go of your daughter and let her find her own way?

Rewrite your posts with "A woman and her BF moved into a property on my land and is now refusing to pay her way" . What would you do? You would use everything it takes to get rid of them! You have to ignore the fact that "the woman" also happens to be your daughter. You're letting emotions get in the way.

Dear OP, I'm not sure why you're still posting this identical situation here on mumsnet again..
You've done nothing to change the situation and until you do, it's never going to change. You'll get the same advice again: get rid of them from your property.
It's really up to you.

Did you get legal advice?

Update

After seeking legal advice we’re evicting him first, then daughter stays until they clear the loan or sell it and it’s removed (by no later than October) I don’t think if it’s sold it will cover the loan …. But that’s what we have to live with. They get the letter from solicitor Friday.

If he doesn’t go we call the police who have been informed. I just hope he goes quietly- we’re giving him the weekend to move out.

I just saw that she sold her jewelry we bought her for her 18th, it was expensive but I’m devastated she’s sold it - I suppose it shows just how little she regards it.

I feel sick - I know it’s the right thing to do after all that she has done but it feels horrible to be doing this to my own daughter

thank you for you advice, I really appreciate it - I showed my husband and he’s taken comfort and support too - thank you all so much

I mean this is out of control

You need to protect yourselves first. You can't help anyone out if you are struggling yourself. Glad to hear you are taking action.