Remove verbally abusive boyfriend out the granny flat

[Mumofadultkid]

My DD lives in a type of granny flat on our land. She has done some pretty awful things and I have posted before and got some good advice and some different perspectives (which were all the same funnily enough), and now she is ramping up and her boyfriend has just sent us a message saying that if it were up to him, he wouldn't let her have her have a relationship with us. And his last paragraph was "go f* yourselves". This was in response to a request for more money towards electricity, as it has more than doubled, and we just can't afford it.

So, to quickly explain, my husband and I went into debt (released equity from our home) to enable them to buy this little house/granny flat. We have let them put it on our land, we are not charging them for that, and all we have asked is that they pay the loan back with regular payments. They promised they would do it within 2 years. Soon after they moved in, they defaulted on the first payment. It was one month after they moved in.

Then she stopped working, and then he cut his hours down. So they are roughly all up now on 1/3 of what they were on before. Through their decisions.

We are constantly told we are narcissistic, mentally and emotionally abusive, and we don't respect their boundaries and have been told in no uncertain terms that we are now formally estranged from them.

It really does feel like we have been played; it is our fault, we have never said no, and it seems like when we do, we get heaps of vitriol from her. In the past in panic, we have just given in ( I know! I know what you are going to say).

But now, after this email, we want to get him away - I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I just don't understand how you can speak to someone like this when we have done everything we can to help them. I get that she is feeding him with her narrative (he had a really troubled upbringing) and she connected with him as she told him "she had the same". And when I say no way, I mean no way. He had a really, really hard life. I am not sure DD knows what a hard life is, she has wanted for nothing.

This appears to be a pattern with her - and she has lost all her friends, she has one that she is close to at the moment, but she is using her ( I know that sounds awful) but she needs something from her and from next year - once she has got what she wants from her she will find a way to cancel her too, like she has all her other friends.

We are seeing a lawyer next week to trespass him off our home. We can't bring ourselves to do it to DD yet, but if we don't make a stand, I just don't know where this will end. He is very beligerant, we have made really reasonable requests in the past and he has just point-blank refused. And it is getting more aggressive. The emails and the messages are coming with us to the lawyers.

I suppose I am just looking for support. I know people will say blame the parents, and I get it. But believe me when I tell you - we have been so supportive, financially, emotionally, and physically and I just feel like this gentle parenting and not saying no to kids has really backfired on us. It feels like every time we say no we can't, we get verbally attacked. And I see how social media influencers are telling people to 'cut their toxic parents' out of their lives, without actually explaining what true toxicity is. There are people who have had a horrendous upbringing, and I don't discount that. This is not what my DD upbringing has been like.

It's making me ill, I have chest pains, and I am so stressed, and we are trying to plan for retirement and when we mention that, we just get "it's all about the money with you". We've tried to help them get ahead, at our expense - emotionally and financially.

If we let them stay, they will continue to at least make payments to the loan, but at what cost? If we ask him to leave, she is there on her own with no money, so no payments! I don't think she will move with him, and he will have to move back home to his lovely mum. We could sell it, but it won't cover the outstanding debt. We could ask them to get their own loan, but based on their income, I don't think they will get a loan.

I just feel so stuck and so sick.

It has been the worst decision we have ever made.

Please be kind

If OP tells DD that as she is so abusive she cannot support her further (the right thing to do), that is completely contradicted by saying she can stay in OP's house for six weeks. As other pps have said, threy both need to go now. Stop being so soft on your DD, it is not helping her. Please get legal advice OP and evict them, notifying the police in case they try to trash the place. As for cutting off services while they are there, please check that it would be legal, so as not to give them any leverage. Good luck with this OP, take care of yourself and your health. Don't leave your home because of them unless you want to move anyway. See a solicitor asap.

What a situation. Take one trip at a time. What does you DH suggest? I think you've been weakened over the years by giving in now it's time to find the strength to say enough is enough. You DD has MH issues. He BF is controlling. Open your blinds daily stop hiding that's cowering and not being strong. Ask her to come for a chat without him so you can see how he's doing. Ignore him. He is irrelevant for now. You need to get your DD some support. She will need to leave in order to grown some independence of possible. Tell them they have one month to get somewhere else to live. Or knock the thing down !

Your solicitor will probably advise you that a tenancy had inadvertantly been created and you will have to go through the formal steps to evict her. Eviction is a long, slow and expensive process and can take a year of more. There will be a great deal of expense and stress. Sorry to give you such bad news.

This, but don’t refund any—consider it as rent paid on YOUR asset (or liability, more like) in YOUR name.

You dont need to give notice there is no tenancy or contract infact making them homeless is a good idea as the council will have to re home her or she can go to his mothers which i assume is where he will go

Legal guidance is required here as a tenancy could have been inadvertently created here. Please don't listen to posters telling you to just kick them out, get the legal guidance first. This could come back to bite you in the ass if they're as petty and manipulative as you make them out to be op.

Put cameras up absolutely everywhere and then evict them. Have 999 at the ready. You can't live like this.

I would do the same.

Surely you have a solicitor you could talk to, to help you sort all this out?

Two things come to mind:

1. You keep bending over backwards for this daughter who treats you appallingly and I can only assume you feel guilt, maybe over her childhood, who she has become as an adult and feel you have failed her in some way.
2. Are drugs involved? The degree of selfishness and the manipulation suggest there is something else going on.

Whose suggestion was the mobile home on your land? I think you have to cut the cord and, with the backing of the police, throw them out. Change the locks, get cameras and accept she is a lost cause. What do you get out of the relationship with her, such as it is? If she hasn't been brought up to be an independent adult, or is incapable of being one with no issues affecting her capacity then I think she's a lost cause. You're only hurting yourselves by continually pandering to her bullying.

The police don't need chapter and verse btw, just the relationship has broken down, she is abusive and you want her out. She's effectively a lodger, but I would check whether they qualify as tenants first to be sure of how to deal with things.

It's not the boyfriend who is the problem.

Legal advice is the first most important step. At least then you will have a clear idea of options available going forward. However, you do need to get rid of both of them. They are vile and it’s about time they stood on their own two feet and stopped sponging. I am really sorry this is happening to you.

Posted in wrong thread, apologies!

Yes, me too.

As a starting point - could you disconnect the water and electricity. They are refusing to pay for their utilities so this is the logical consequence in the real world. They are totally delusional. You sound like lovely parents who have bent over backwards to provide - be kind to yourselves ❤️

I can see this is keeping you up at night.

Kick her out of the caravan in your garden. Everyone is reaping what they sowed here. Might as well make sure you get what you want out of it.

I would sell both properties and move and don't tell her where you are going. She is toxic person who will never see what she is doing is wrong and she has met her twin in the boyfriend. You need to protect yourself and your husband, as you say you are not getting any younger. She will latch on to your weakness as you get older and escalate her toxic behavior. Go speak to a lawyer, get her evicted and sell as soon as you can . Downsize and look forward to your retirement.

Not without planning permission

If you change the locks and cut off electricity and pack their stuff up and put it outside what would they be able to do legally? I mean is unlawful eviction (if that’s what it would be) something they would need a solicitor to prove? Long court case time for them to prove? Flip the script. Get them out and deal with the consequences if there are any? Can they really pay for and work with a solicitor to prove wrongful eviction? And once they are done get rid of granny or sell all of it and move and then see what they can come back on? I mean two people who don’t work can they really navigate the world of unlawful eviction ? Or will they just go elsewhere (his mums) and talk talk talk but never do do do .

You were too kind. The ops daughter is an adult now she has to come to terms with she raised an ungrateful cunt. Evict them both and rent out the granny flat. Her DD will continue doing this until she fucks her off. The op is trying to parent an adult it doesn't work like that. The only question the op has to ask herself is she proud of her daughter and how she's turned out?
The op needs to find her a room somewhere else and give her a life lesson.

Sounds awful. Very hard not to let your emotions as parents colour your decisions about your toxic daughter.

Try and look at it this way, your daughter is filled with hatred towards you and the situation is unhealthy for all of you.

They both need to get out and if need be the police called to eject fhem.

It may be that she comes back down to earth at some point and realises how awful she has been or she may be estranged forever.

But if you continue to allow her abuse by letting her stay then there will never be any chance of reconciling.

The only thing I disagree with here is that the OP needs to find her daughter accommodation. No she doesn’t. She’s an adult. She can find it herself.

Id pay someone to come & remove the granny flat if its movable (like a static caravan.) from your land, if not I would be going to court to evict them
off your land.

Are you absolutely sure @Mumofadultkid that it isn’t your daughter pretending to be him?

I think it's definitely the daughter using the boyfriend's phone as she knows she's blocked everywhere else.

You have to accept that whatever option you offer your DD and BF they will probably refuse or do the opposite. This was bad when you first wrote but now The situation is escalating so you now have to make informed decisions, after considering your real life options. It looks more and more like eviction may be the best option.. but find out.
The BF has become an abusive bully and you need proper advice.. or you will keep going round in circles, like you did before.

Until you take your paperwork to a solicitor and discuss what your real options are, I don't think you can make a decision on this and really you are delaying action on dealing with it because you find it too hot to handle, which is not surprising. Because at the moment its all what ifs and buts.

You also need to see a financial advisor to find a way of maybe getting a better interest rate on your loan or tacking it onto your mortgage and if its not a huge amount, consider one of those vehicles where it gets paid off by the sale of your house when you pass on ( however, I would be really really careful about that option and I am no expert. It really depends how large a sum is involved if its workable or not)...People have mentioned keeping the mobile home as a rental, air bnb and getting income on it that way to help towards repayments.
Have you sorted out your wills, etc. Do you have a trusted friend you could give your power of attorney to? Because I don't think you want your DD to assume that role in case of your illness or decline as you age. But that is an issue to deal with further down the road.

Stop discussing finances with them and attempting to get sympathy from them by saying things like "this is going to affect our pensions." All they are hearing is that you have pensions. and that you have money you can save. They see that as theirs. You don't need an excuse, you only have to say you want it back and ask why it hasn't been repaid? You don't have to justify, explain or apologise why you want the money back. Doing that will not make your DD be any nicer to you or like you more so stop trying to evoke gratitude from her. Unfortunately due to her MH that ship has sailed.
If you still want to help her, All you can do now is find a way to get her to get help to treat her condition. And please note that all the two of them ever have to do to get you to back off is to turn nasty and you roll over. Perhaps you could appoint an intermediary to deal with them.

Perhaps when you are getting advice you need to divorce your emotions and guilt from the situation and ask yourself.. "What would I do if these were two young people I didn't have any connection to.. who borrowed large amounts of money they refuse to pay back, who are writing abusive messages and making it difficult to live in my own home." And see how the options/advice apply then.
Are you worried that people will judge you, or say that you haven't done enough for them? You know you have, what does it matter what other people think?

I think you also need to discuss your relationship with DD with a mental health professional to see if they have any idea of what her condition may be and what help is available to her and to people dealing with her ( you) and see what kind of advice is available. Otherwise you are working in the dark.

You clearly feel guilty as hell, even though you've done all you could to help her... but its not a sustainable situation, its escalating and its causing you harm. If this situation gets further out of hand, you may not be in a position to help her in future.... so self preservation is not an option you should feel guilty about, but as a stranger on a forum who is no expert, I think you need to consider acting now before things get worse, but only when you have legal/financial advice.