Am I being a spoilt brat here?

[alittlebitlessofme]

Family member discovered recently that I am having private treatment for a condition I have which isn’t covered by the NHS. The cost of which has become increasingly difficult as I’m already on a low income.

Said family member has recently come into some money. They offered to pay some money towards my treatment. I accepted. Then few days later said individual sends message to say they have sent equal amount of money to other family members to have fun with. Other family members all have significantly higher household income.

Am I being a complete brat feeling a bit sad about this? My money was specifically for something which is rather unpleasant however necessary. Not for fun. Meanwhile family members who don’t have to deal with anything like the same challenges are rewarded with money they don’t need.

The issue I’m dealing with already makes me
incredibly self conscious and has singled me out from childhood as being different. At the moment I still feel like the child who was punished for being like this

@Ddakji really? Give it back because op is having a strop that her siblings got something too?
It's a GIFT, why shouldn't they accept a gift?
Although am surprised you didn't suggest all the siblings should have given their gift to op..

Why would I suggest that?

I think that someone who earns more than the gift giver, knowing that they’re getting the gift solely because some money has been given to help with a specific thing to another member of the family, might query that. Because if the OP hadn’t needed the money no one would have got it, would they?

I can see that I’m pretty much alone in thinking that doling money out like this isn’t actually anything to do with “fairness” so I think I’ll leave it there in the knowledge that at least in my family one person helping another out financially wouldn’t cause ructions.

its actually not clear whether they are better off than the gift giver or than the OP. I have family members who I believe are better off than me but if I won the lottery big timeI'd still give them a share from the win.

You don’t deserve the money. How ungrateful you are! How your family member phrased it is none of your business. They very kindly without any ask, have given you money and then to be fair they made it equal with the others.
Yet you have still managed to find a fault.
sometimes people are in a bad position it’s because they are always looking for a problem!

It's only op who's causing the 'ructions'.

hold on, yes I would help both children equally!

No, it's not fair one is disabled, but it's not fair the other one has a disabled sibling either. You try to help BOTH - you concentrate a lot of resources on the disabled one because obviously he needs that, but you don't abandon the other one either.

So yes, children equally. Having a disabled sibling doesn't mean the other ones can't go to uni, or have a holiday from time to time, or get help with their first home or their hobby.

You are a parent to both, equally. As hard as it is, you don't put one completely aside because of the health needs of the other.

I don't believe in punishing someone because they seem to be more successful and are financially better off at one point in time.

There's no friction to exist, they all receive the same, no judgment, no decision, what they do with the money is up to them.

knowing that they’re getting the gift solely because some money has been given to help with a specific thing to another member of the family
who said that? Apart from you

The family member might very well have decided to help at some point - they had that cash accessible after all, if it's that much when you add the whole lot, it's unlikely they just forgot about it! Might as well do it all in one go.

my parents gave both me and my sister some money. sister has no children and spent it as she wanted. i owed my dad almost the exact amount as i had borrowed one child uni accommodation cost the year i had two at uni. i was still happy i didn’t have to pay him back even though i didn’t really feel any actual benefit.

Precisely @DeborahKerr. It would be strange to say to a child 'nope you don't get any help or support, that's dor your sibling only' !

I am always speecheless when people are proud to treat their children so differently,

Of course, football might cost a bit more than rugby, so you spend a bit more on one hobby than the other, but that's not the point is it.

If one suddenly starts competing nationally or internationally, you make sure they all have the same kind of opportunities travel-wise. You don't pay for one and tell the other: you like to read, so here's a library card and it's fair 😂

Good thing that’s not what I suggested then.

My mum helped out my sister when she needed it. I didn’t need help so didn’t get any. Why is that a problem? It wasn’t a problem to me! Never for a second whined that my mum was being ‘unfair”.

Well that's you isn't it? People are different.

I disagree. If the reading one is perfectly happy and content with the library card and assuming resources are finite as they usually are, would you tell the first one they couldn't do their activities just so they other could have an un-needed pot? I will help all my kids to my utmost but it's based on need. If twenty years down the line those needs change but the resources are gone, that's a shame but that's life.

You're resentful that your relative gifted you money that you used for private medical care and then gifted others the same amount that they may use on what you see as non essential as opposed to your private medical care. You see your need as greater so feel entitlement to your relative's money and resent that the other giftees got money too. You're jealous that the other giftees have more money than you and take holidays. You're letting resentment and jealousy poison your life.

You know the saying no good deed goes unpunished? Your resentment that others got gifted money too is their punishment. You don't sound at all grateful or appreciative.

I see another poster has made the point about equality vs equity. But it sounds like there's not nearly enough money to level the playing field so I think the expectation of equity goes out the window here. It's a gift, not something you're entitled to. Relative chose to gift equal amounts of money to everyone. You chose to spend it on private medical treatment. You're complaining about the amount of an unexpected gift of money (that it doesn't fully cover the treatment) and that others received gifted money too.

no but I'd make sure that there was resource for both children even if it meant that the international competer couldn't do everything they wanted to. I have no kids, it didn't happen. My parents had set aside money to buy my sibs a pram for first child. When it became evident that we weren't going to need a pram, my parents privately gave me and DH and equivalent amount of money. I have never ever forgotten that sensitive kindness.

Ah right. So you acknowledge that people are different and therefore the op isn’t being unreasonable in feeling sad about this? Great, I agree.

Nope, people are different, but I think op is being very unreasonable in being unhappy that her siblings were along with her given a gift!

Haven’t seen flouncing like that since Princess Di’s wedding. 🤣

that's awful! so you are paying for one expensive hobby and ignoring the quiet child?

No, I couldn't do that. Poor kid. There's no such thing as an "un-needed" pot.

Even if it means taking one to a show while the other is travelling, there's always a way to keep things fair and equal.

My mum and dad are similar in that if they give one of their children money for something, they give the other siblings the same amount. They want things to be equal, which is fair enough (we always tell them we don't need it, but they insist!). Yes, you do sound a bit ungrateful.

I don't think the op got less.
As I read it the op received a gift and then her siblings received the same amount.
The options were the op received a gift of X or the op and her siblings all received a gift of X. The op didn't lose out either way.

imagine you are unwell, and seeing you struggling, someone offers to babysit for you that weekend.

Instead of being grateful, you are outraged that they babysit for your sibling the following weekend, and the sibling use the chance to go out with friends, because it spoils the free babysitting you got first.

Same thing, completely ridiculous

Just to clear a few things up here. The situation was that I was visiting a said relative two weeks ago. Whilst there I received a phone call about my treatment telling me the price this time around was almost twice what I paid last time. I took myself off to receive the call and then took my dogs out for a wander (on my mobility scooter) to clear my head. Yes I was upset but I did what I could to hide that. Later that day my relative asked me point blank how it said treatment was going and ended up telling them the truth - that I was struggling because of the price difference and was going to delay treatment by a few weeks so I could make up the difference.
They immediately offered to fund the difference. Which I accepted and was an am extremely grateful for.

what upset me was over a week later was when said family member posts in a group chat that they have given me x amount of money (with no context about what it was for) and told the others they had sent them the same amount of money to ‘go and enjoy themselves’.

There wasn’t any option for me to have anything to enjoy. Never is. This is a pattern that has been on repeat since forever.
The money wasn’t a gift that was given to me and I have chosen to use it on my treatment - if I hadn’t needed it the money wouldn’t exist for any of us.

I don’t begrudge them the money. But I do begrudge being made to feel like I don’t deserve anything nice. Which is again a pattern that has been going on decades.

The treatment is a combination of steroid injections, physio and hydrotherapy and other things which keep me upright. Literally!
Do I sound pissed off at the other family members who have more than me? Maybe! But there is huge backstory which involve them being at least partially responsible for the accident which caused current my condition. With no lasting negative effects for them.

What a way to completely distort the intent of my post. Of course not. What point are you trying to prove?