Am I being a spoilt brat here?

[alittlebitlessofme]

Family member discovered recently that I am having private treatment for a condition I have which isn’t covered by the NHS. The cost of which has become increasingly difficult as I’m already on a low income.

Said family member has recently come into some money. They offered to pay some money towards my treatment. I accepted. Then few days later said individual sends message to say they have sent equal amount of money to other family members to have fun with. Other family members all have significantly higher household income.

Am I being a complete brat feeling a bit sad about this? My money was specifically for something which is rather unpleasant however necessary. Not for fun. Meanwhile family members who don’t have to deal with anything like the same challenges are rewarded with money they don’t need.

The issue I’m dealing with already makes me
incredibly self conscious and has singled me out from childhood as being different. At the moment I still feel like the child who was punished for being like this

I think she was responding to being told she had made a “lifestyle choice”.

I agree with you. If your relative had the money spare it should have been between the two of you. Of course there a big difference between giving money to someone in need and fun money - there is no need to ‘level up’ - in fact you should get the ‘fun’ money on top of the need money.
However it is very tricky. It’s why I would always advocate that people leave money to their children in equal amounts, regardless of relative ‘need’.
Why are you on the breadline? Because of this treatment or lifestyle choices? Or that’s just how it is? How do you know the circumstances of your other relatives? It’s not up to the giver to judge - or is it?
One would hope that your other relatives would be sympathetic to your plight and not expect an equal share in this largess, for example my niece has profound autism and will never be able to live independently - some members of the family have told me their money will go to her, with my children not getting a share. Totally fine and happy with that! But our own parents left things equally between us children. They can see how things are now, but who knows what the future holds?
I hope you get the treatment you need and get back ti good health.

OP, I'm totally with you on this. I'm a chronic illness sufferer and pay a small fortune in treatments and supplements just so I can function and stay mobile. Unfortunately, my experience is that no-one truly understands what this life is like and I've had so many people say hurtful and thoughtless things over the years. I've now grown a thick skin and a 'don't give a fuck' attitude and it has served me well. I also have a relative who is obsessed with things being equal, eventhough those benefitting are in very different circumstances. I'm afraid that's life sometimes...things aren't fair and we have to manage the best we can. Your relative is being kind to help you out but the way they presented it was thoughtless. Take a deep breath and continue your treatment and try to accept that everybody has their own lives and experiences and we can only control what we do and how we react, not other's actions. Much love for the future ❤️

It really and whole others are saying the OP is a brat, I think your DC (and others in this thread who would agree with you) sound like brats.

I’m reminded that my mum have my sister money to pay for her second round of IVF. I didn’t get that same amount of money, nor did I ever expect to - why would I? I didn’t need it.

Equally when DH and I were worrying about the state of secondary schools round here, my DSis said that she thought our mum would help with school fees (that she wouldn’t need as she was in a good place for secondaries) if needed (it wasn’t in the end).

It has never occurred to me (and to be honest I’d forgotten all about it until reading this rather unpleasant thread) to begrudge the money my mum gave my sister. She’d been struggling with conception for years! Had been poked and prodded and treated for years! And had a first failed IVF as well!!

Only a spoilt brat would expect the same money.

But your condition isn't covered by the NHS? That would suggest your private treatment is a lifestyle choice rather than a genuine necessity. And by that I mean it improves your quality of life but isn't something that is absolutely required. What would you do if you couldn't find the money for private treatment? Presumably struggle along without it?

Lol. I used to think like that too, until I got cancer. You think the NHS will provide everything you need to stay alive , then think again. I'm bloody grateful that I have health insurance, the NHS is just firefighting.

It’s literally none of your business who your family member gives money to. I have a chronic illness that is under treated due to NHS, I’d love to be able to have the funds to have treatment on the side privately to help me. I can’t, as I don’t have the money spare every month and my family don’t have money. Be grateful.

Could you claim PIP to help cover the costs of treatment. That's what it's thete for, to help maintain independence for as long as possible. I know it's not easy, I found it really hard to claim as it was admitting to myself I had a disability, and the process itself is quite intrusive, bit it could help fund this treatment which you find helpful.

The family member made it her business by telling her. And she never said she wasn’t grateful.

It definitely is. It was never set up to cover the vast range of things it does now. It does emergency and trauma care really well, but long term health needs are not within its capacity to fully cover, and as a country we need to have some difficult conversations around changing our system to a more mixed insurance/state system like many other European countries. But no government is brave enough to take on this

I don’t.

I don’t have an issue with acknowledging the OP’s feeling of sadness (she never said she was offended?) and that the relation in trying to be fair has actually (and I agree with this) been unfair. I have no idea why the relation would tell the OP this and phrase it in the way they did, either.

So my take would be that the OP is not U to feel this, but that there’s nothing to be done about it and how to help her move forward.

But still, her reaction is utterly ridiculous.

Absolutely agree. I feel bad criticising the NHS as I've met so many fabulous NHS staff recently, so, so much kindness and people who have done their absolute best. But they are fighting against a system that is on its knees.
No one seems to be able to see a middle ground between the NHS and a corrupt US style system, yet it exists in many countries.

When my parents gave me money to fund IVF, they gave my sibling exactly the same. My sibling is wealthier than us and I don’t know if/ how they spent it. I’m incredibly grateful for the money and don’t feel it’s any of my business what my sibling did/ does with their finances. Nor do I feel my sibling and their children should be treated unfairly just because I was unfortunate enough to suffer with infertility. It might help to look at your situation similarly; it’s really unfair that you have health issues but it’s not the other relatives’ fault, the person has done a kind thing by giving you the money and it will hopefully mean you are able to get the support you need. Ideally they’d have just kept it factual when telling you “I’m giving X and Y the same to keep things fair” but nobody can change that now. Best of luck with your treatment, I hope it goes well

Feeling sad about the unfairness of life is utterly ridiculous?

Aren’t you a peach.

I had the same situation with my sister (in that she got given money to fund a second round of IVF) - but I didn’t get the same amount of money - why would I? I didn’t need it. I wasn’t treated “unfairly” because I didn’t get it.

Do you dislike the other recipients OP? You sound quite bitter about it. Just because someones income is high doesnt mean they do not appreciate a gift from a loving family member and high income often means high outgoings. I think you are only damaging yourself by seeing the negatives in this gift to your other family members. It sounds like you are in a bad place with health and finances and projecting this unhappiness into finding upset in a nice gesture.
Just focus on yourself and with the gifted money, I would just try and be happy for the recipients and if you can't then just don't think about it, as the negative thoughts will just damage your own happiness and won't change the situation anyway.

The difference is, my children don’t expect it and I don’t tell them. And I am
not talking about large sums of money.

But in the future if one needed a big amount for say a house deposit and the other didn’t I would make sure the other had the equivalent.

But without making a big song and dance about it.

Well I agree with this approach I suppose I was oversimplifying.

They are both on minimum wage, but have different spending habits!

It goes depend on circumstances.

Yes, I would do this too.

I understand why you’re upset @alittlebitlessofme. It’s the sort of situation where the giver couldn’t possibly be criticised for being mean or unreasonable, but the way she did it sounds like it may have been manipulative or passive aggressive.

I wondered at first if you are overweight and the treatment was weight loss injections (which some people can be judgy about). Then when you mentioned chronic illness, I wondered if it’s an invisible illness that the giver doesn’t believe is ‘real’ or as bad as you make out? I’m sorry if that is the case.

By offering the money to you for treatment and then offering the same money to others to do with as they please, it’s like this person is creating a situation where you seem to be ‘choosing’ to spend the money on treatment ie as if it’s a lifestyle choice, and to cruelly force you to confront what else you COULD be spending money on, if you didn’t ‘choose’ to have the treatment.

If that rings true to you, I’m sorry, it must be very hard to deal with xxx

To be kind to the giver....yes I agree it could have been better phrased, but does the giver understand how essential the treatment is? I think unless you have been there, there is an assumption that if the treatment works and is essential, then the NHS provide it. Could you reframe it that actions matter more than words and the action was kind even though the words were thoughtless? I think its absolutely right that the giver has given equal shares to all the family regardless of their financial situation. It occurs to me also that maybe not all the family know your full story and giving everyone a share of the money with that message will help to keep your private matters private. I can see absolutely why you feel hurt and feelings are feelings but all you are doing by bearing a grudge is hurting yourself.

the issue is not the unfairness of life. it's complaining that other family members were given the same amount to keep things fair.

The OP wouldn't have received more if the others got nothing, it makes absolutely no difference to her situation. She's lucky that someone can afford to help her out, isn't that enough?

The family member gave everyone the same and was upfront about it to avoid all awkwardness, and making sure no one can complain that Linda got more money than Sharon. Perfect and only fair way to do it. What people do with their gift is up to them.

There are some cruel people on here. I agree you shouldn't begrudge the others receiving money, but I think you wanted to feel supported and cared for by your family member and the gifts to others has diluted that. I wish you well in your health journey.

So you would help out your disabled DD less in order to provide help that isn’t actually needed for a non-disabled child (to use this example)? Make someone’s life harder who already has a harder life because of some misguided and misunderstanding sense of “fair”?

I would hope that if you explained why you were doing this to your non-disabled child she would tell you not to be such an idiot. If she accepted it as her due that’s incredibly spoilt of her.

The complainers among those who didn’t get the money (because they didn’t need it) would be the spoilt brats and shouldn’t be entertained.

This misguided sense of “fair” just highlighted the differences between the OP and her siblings, that are already clear enough.

One would hope that those siblings, if they knew why they were being given the money, would hand it back. Especially as the OP says the siblings are better off than the giver.