Am I being a spoilt brat here?

[alittlebitlessofme]

Family member discovered recently that I am having private treatment for a condition I have which isn’t covered by the NHS. The cost of which has become increasingly difficult as I’m already on a low income.

Said family member has recently come into some money. They offered to pay some money towards my treatment. I accepted. Then few days later said individual sends message to say they have sent equal amount of money to other family members to have fun with. Other family members all have significantly higher household income.

Am I being a complete brat feeling a bit sad about this? My money was specifically for something which is rather unpleasant however necessary. Not for fun. Meanwhile family members who don’t have to deal with anything like the same challenges are rewarded with money they don’t need.

The issue I’m dealing with already makes me
incredibly self conscious and has singled me out from childhood as being different. At the moment I still feel like the child who was punished for being like this

I think it was incredibly kind of your family member to do this, and you do sound ungrateful and begrudging.

Just to clarify I’m not sad about them getting the money. It’s the way it has been phrased as being fun money for them.

Well it does sound a little tactless being phrased like that, but I do t think it’s something to dwell on.

Yeah don't let this define you OP (and do a little mini -fun thing for yourself when the money comes in)

You don't know what they'll spend it on and nor does it concern you.

What you have had is money to help you. And that's a nice thing to have had.

There is no money for fun here anymore. When I say I’m on the breadline I literally mean it. I’m now down to single figures in my bank account. Family members money went straight to pay for another course of treatment. And it went towards, it didn’t fully cover the cost by quite along way.

I genuinely don't mean to kick you when you're down OP. Truly.

But your condition isn't covered by the NHS? That would suggest your private treatment is a lifestyle choice rather than a genuine necessity. And by that I mean it improves your quality of life but isn't something that is absolutely required. What would you do if you couldn't find the money for private treatment? Presumably struggle along without it?

I'd therefore argue that you're choosing to spend your money on something that makes your life better. The other family members will do the same albeit in a different way.

The family member sounds both generous and scrupulously fair. That's good because presumably it means if the rest of the family were ever to benefit from something else, they'd make sure you were looped in too.

Best of luck with the treatment. And commiserations on being skint, I completely sympathise - we're going through it here too. It really sucks!

Lifestyle choice!!! Wow I have heard it all now!!! I am not posting what it is due to it being very outing but it’s not a fucking lifestyle choice.

They were probably trying to keep things fair and equal, and letting you know about it so if it ever comes up, someone asks how you are affording the treatment there can be no arguments about it. If the family member can afford to give each other person the same then this does sound like a good idea to stop any family squabbling. I am sure each of the others put their money to good use. Maybe a much needed night out or a beauty treatment they wanted but couldnt justify or even for a rainy day.
I think this was a kind and fair thing to do, it also means that you do not feel beholden to them and can talk with family about your treatment if you wish without anyone saying anything about how you paid for it.

I agree with other posters that the family member has been fair. Treating siblings unequally can cause endless bitterness and resentment in later life. My sister was always the golden child and I the black sheep. It has spoiled out relationship into adulthood. If the siblings have been gifted an equal sum then its up to them how they choose to spend the money. However I do also agree that the remark about "fun money" was tactless and misplaced.

I think that it's maybe phrased badly, but ultimately this person has given you money to support you, and the fact they've given money to others as well doesn't change that.

It's hard to comment without knowing what the treatment is, but assuming you're in the UK it may seem to them like a treatment not covered by the NHS isn't an essential treatment. I'm not saying that's the case, but I think a lot of people would assume essential treatments are funded.

Well they would assume wrong then! Because a treatment to keep someone functioning and out of a wheelchair for a few more years isn’t a lifestyle choice nor is it not essential. People have zero idea what it is like living with disabilities and chronic illnesses and just how much that costs.
The NHS doesn’t cover a fraction of what is needed.

the others gifted money have household incomes many times that of the person gifting the money. Incomes well into the six figures. Multiple holidays each year each costing more than my annual income. They will neither notice nor care for the monies sent.

The NHS isn’t an endless pit of money unfortunately. How it manages, honestly I don’t know. I imagine how it was phrased was insensitive and I do feel for you.
But also, try to remember that you are fortunate for NHS treatment and for relatives helping financially.

It’s not your money so, with kindness non of your business who the money is given to and for what purpose. In your shoes I’d be grateful and focus on myself and my blessings, i.e. how lucky to have the support for treatment. Sorry to say but yes, you do sound like a spoilt brat (sorry).

No point in blaming or labeling yourself ("spoilt brat", etc.) for how you feel. His message was weirdly worded and while (as PPs have said) his split of the money is his choice and seems fair on some level, it could seem a little odd that he's given you the money for the needed treatment and others money for anything they want to use it for.

You know him best, but unless you have reason to think he's meaning to control or slight you in some way, I'd probably think he either prioritised helping you because of your situation and then later decided he had enough to give to other family members with less urgent need too. Or possibly someone close to him has commented that he should give something to the others as well and he has thought it over and agreed. I don't think it's unusual for someone in his situation (similar to someone making an actual will) to just decide "everyone gets x amount" even if it seems obvious that someone has greater need or fewer resources.

Feel your feelings, vent here if you like, but beyond that I'd try to look at it this way: if he'd given you a share of the money with no expectations about how you'd use it, you'd have used it for the treatment, right? And having this contribution has enabled you to have the treatment (or have it sooner or have it without going into debt or whatever the particular case is), so you are better off than you expected to be and that's a good thing! I hope your treatment goes brilliantly; it sounds like you've been through a lot.

FWIW, I have an invisible disability. I care for my DM who has cerebral palsy - I've been a carer for her for my entire life as she was a single parent and it was just me looking after her when I was just a child myself. My two DC (twins) were born very prematurely and have (different) disabilities and will never live independently. My DP collapsed at work three years ago with a previously unknown neurological condition and can't ever work again. Until 2012 I was the sole carer for my DF who had Huntingdon's Disease. I was with him single-handed until he died.

My whole life has been spent around a whole host of disabilities, and still is. I unfortunately am only too aware of the limitations that the NHS has and what it's like living with chronic disabilities.

You can get as cross and sweary with me as you want. It doesn't make what I said untrue. Or unkind. I said it as gently as I could, and made it clear that I wasn't criticising.

The point I was making is that what would someone do in your position if they weren't able to access private treatment? Many, many people wouldn't be able to afford it. That's why it's not "essential". That is why it's a choice.

I didn't say it wasn't a good choice.

And I didn't say that it won't make a huge difference to your life.

I acknowledged that in my previous post.

OF COURSE if you can afford a treatment that will make a fundamental difference to your quality of life and prevent your condition from worsening, then it's absolutely understandable why you'd pull out all the stops to do it.

But not everyone is able to because they simply don't have access to any money that enables them to pay for private healthcare, especially if they're disabled. That's why it IS a choice, whether you're willing to concede that or not.

It sounds as if you're putting the money to good use and it will make a genuine difference. Your family member sounds as if they want to be fair, even if the money won't be appreciated by others. I don't think you can fault them for that.

Ok I get it. I’m awful and should just let myself rot in a corner.
By the way I didn’t ask for any money I have done it all on my own for years without asking for help or a penny from anyone.
But I’m an ungrateful cow clearly.
leaving the thread now before my already fragile mental health falls any lower.

While not entirely the same, I know someone’s grandmother who left them out of their will because they had a different father to the other daughters, as his income was higher. It was all very dehumanising and just made her feel like she wasn’t valued as an equal granddaughter. I think your relative was just trying to ensure everyone was treated equally, despite everyone’s individual circumstances. Compared to the alternative, that’s probably the nicest option.

I think what you’ve said about it being a ‘lifestyle choice’ is so very very unfair of you. How on earth do you know what OP is having to deal with or just how it is affecting them and their life? I have a health condition and while I’m on the NHS for it, the treatment offered is extremely limited and so I have resorted to private treatment too to try and get some relief. This treatment should absolutely be offered on the NHS but it’s not so I know have complete sympathy with the OP.

But it is a choice?

It's the right choice. And I've already acknowledged that if there's something that could make a difference to quality of life, of course you'd move heaven and earth to get it.

What do people do when they don't have the money? They don't get the treatment. Because they don't have that choice.

If you have access to the money to pay for it, even if that makes things really tight, then you are making a choice to pay for it. And god knows, I wish we all had that choice, I really do. We all know that the NHS only pays for the essentials, the bare minimum. Alive, not thriving. We know this, unfortunately.

So yes, OP is making a choice to spend money on private treatment. Because lots of people won't be able to pay for private treatment and therefore don't have that choice.

Maybe my phrasing was off (I'm autistic). By lifestyle choice I don't mean like botox or fillers etc. A random example - specialised physiotherapy/hydrotherapy that helps you keep moving for longer. It would be a "choice" to pay for that but the benefits could be very significant and improve your long-term prospects of staying mobile.

Making the choice to invest in your personal health and wellbeing isn't a bad thing nor a critcism - and that's the third time I've said this now! I'm glad she's able to do something to help her and I'm glad that the money from her relative will ease the financial burden somewhat.

Sorry, but you lost me that that outrageous outburst. How can anyone possibly answer your own question - in the title, with you refusing to give the info required ? Evidently you believe that you might be a spoilt brat and I'm going along with your suggestion that you are. On the basis of evidence. Otherwise, don't ask impossible-to-answer questions.

Well, if you wanted resounding recognition of your bratty character, you’ve earned it with your additional posts.
Good grief, you’ve shown not a jot of gratitude, just begrudgery about others. You were given kindness and material generosity by a family member, yet you automatically turned it into a festering resentment.
That’s no way to behave, and what’s more this mean spirit will surely be the cause of such mental health problems as you experience way before the actions of others might ever be responsible. If you can’t bring yourself to be civilised and mature with your family, do it for your own sake.
The attitude of gratitude really is a marvellous health supplement.

Yes you're being a spoilt brat I have a lot of medical conditions and due to this i have to use all of my holiday from work on medical appointments and the rest unpaid leave. But do I think just because I have to do this that my colleagues shouldn't get to actually enjoy their holidays and have fun no as their lives have nothing to do with me and im happy for others. If you genuinely need treatment that the nhs doesn't cover you will be able to claim pip which will then cover your treatment.

I agree with this and can resonate.

I am undergoing cancer treatment. I work in a school and my entire summer break has been spent either in hospital, on treatment or in bed. Do I begrudge my colleagues a decent break, going to fun places? No I don’t. Shit happens and life isn’t fair. Don’t be bitter that you have to fund your treatment from gifted money OP. Be grateful!