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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to write this guy off our first night together?

467 replies

KookySnail · 25/08/2025 01:02

I’m considering c

OP posts:
TesChique · 25/08/2025 01:08

Do it. Ltb

MissSophiaGrace · 25/08/2025 01:10

I would

Planesmistakenforstars · 25/08/2025 01:19

Definitely do c

KookySnail · 25/08/2025 01:23
Good Night GIF by Maria Johnsen

posted far too soon.

Im considering calling things off when/if he decides to get in touch again for how he acted towards me after we first slept together. But im unsure if im jumping the gun, so to speak.

Met a guy 3 weeks ago. Had two very good dates. He was a gentleman. Very kind towards me. Late last week I went on holiday for my friends birthday, he remained in contact via text regularly. Told me he can’t wait for our 3rd date once I’m home. My flight back was on Friday, and our 3rd date was last night. I came to his side of the city we live in and we went out for cocktails and to watch a band play. Afterwards we went back to his which was around the corner from the venue. Everything felt right and we slept together for the first time (first time I’d had sex in over 6 months). It was very good, passionate… we both enjoyed it. Everything I thought it would be.

The second it was over and he’d ‘finished’ he exclaimed how good it was, then turned his back to me, grabbed his phone and set his alarm for 7am (on a Sunday morning). He had plans with his friend in the afternoon but wanted to go to the gym beforehand early in the morning. He said “You can stay if you want but just so you know I’ll be up at 7am” he said this while his back to be. Then went straight to sleep, not facing me. I stayed on the other side of the bed and eventually fell asleep myself, I felt awkward being there. I would have expected a hug at least afterwards, but put it down to him being tired I guess.

Alarm went off at 7am, we both woke up. I said good morning, he replied in kind. Again no touching or looking over at me, he jumped straight out of bed. We got to sleep at 2am so I’m pretty tired, but I get up out of bed myself and go to his bathroom. By the time I get out he’s looking through his wardrobe deciding what he wants to wear for the day. I sit on his bed and book my Uber, I attempt to make small talk, and ask more about his plans for the day with his friend. Again doesn’t look at me which replying. At this point I felt like I’d served my purpose the night before and was no longer nessessary.

my uber arrives, he walks me to his door, the uber driver has parked at the end of his street due to road works that had taken place over the week. He says bye to me as I walk down the road.

Ive not heard from him at all. No “did you get home okay?” Or “I had a good night” text. Nothing.

My friend is convinced he’ll eventually text and he was just busy today, but being busy has never stopped him before. And to be honest I’m a put out by how distant he was after we had sex for the first time. He knows I don’t have casual sex and hadn’t slept with anyone for over 6 months, I felt like his behaviour was inconsiderate and I feel quite used. If he does decide to reach out to me again I don’t think I’ll want to continue as this has made me view him in a different light.

my friend thinks I’m overreacting. Am I?

OP posts:
AMurderofMurderingCrows · 25/08/2025 01:24

Nope, you're not overreacting. If you don't like how he acted afterwards then don't see him again. He's not for you and you deserve better.

Edited as OP updated her post 😊

KookySnail · 25/08/2025 01:24

I didn’t mean to add that Giphy either!! 😅Not use to posting on here.

OP posts:
AMurderofMurderingCrows · 25/08/2025 01:30

You're not overreacting. If you don't like how he reacted, don't see him again. He's not for you and you deserve better ❤️

5andals · 25/08/2025 01:35

Sounds like he isn't the one for you. If he were, you would be totally comfortable with his behavior. You need something different, so I'd move on, with no regrets.

TesChique · 25/08/2025 01:35

Youre not overreacting. Follow your gut. Throw him back

TesChique · 25/08/2025 01:35

5andals · 25/08/2025 01:35

Sounds like he isn't the one for you. If he were, you would be totally comfortable with his behavior. You need something different, so I'd move on, with no regrets.

Exactly

Threesacrow · 25/08/2025 01:37

He's made you feel used, what a dick. So sorry, you really don't deserve to be treated like this. He's a user, not a keeper, and you're better off without him.

Noshadelamp · 25/08/2025 01:39

You're definitely not overreacting and it's sad that your friend's bar is set so low.

Planesmistakenforstars · 25/08/2025 01:39

Did he specifically say he was looking forward to the 3rd date, using the number? There is a "thing" where women will wait until the third date to rule out men just wanting sex, but men know this so just keep the mask on a bit longer, expect sex on the third date and then fuck off.

Either way, the way he behaved after sex was at best thoughtless and unkind, and at worst to make you feel used and a bit humiliated. Do you want to be with someone who makes you feel like that? I'd message him - don't wait around on his time - and tell him you're not interested in taking things further. Take control, and leave him to wonder.

Good for you getting out there. You had a good time and you've lost nothing. Dick is not in short supply, so don't settle for another dick at the end of one.

TesChique · 25/08/2025 01:42

Youre right, your friends wrong. Hes been an ass. Hes got his now hes changed. Block and move on, and domt for one secomd feel guilty about getting yours

Mwnci123 · 25/08/2025 01:45

No, this is bad behaviour from him. Walk away.

KookySnail · 25/08/2025 01:47

Planesmistakenforstars · 25/08/2025 01:39

Did he specifically say he was looking forward to the 3rd date, using the number? There is a "thing" where women will wait until the third date to rule out men just wanting sex, but men know this so just keep the mask on a bit longer, expect sex on the third date and then fuck off.

Either way, the way he behaved after sex was at best thoughtless and unkind, and at worst to make you feel used and a bit humiliated. Do you want to be with someone who makes you feel like that? I'd message him - don't wait around on his time - and tell him you're not interested in taking things further. Take control, and leave him to wonder.

Good for you getting out there. You had a good time and you've lost nothing. Dick is not in short supply, so don't settle for another dick at the end of one.

Thank you for all the responses so far.

No, he didn’t word it as “can’t wait for the 3rd date” specifically. I guess I wrote it that way for context and to make the timeline clearer for the readers. He said “I’m looking forward to seeing you when you’re back” but you’re properly right in thinking he knew I’d “put out” on the 3rd date.

I just feel very used considered he’d held my hand for a lot of the night, had his arm around me while watching the band. Then the second he was “satisfied” it all switched very suddenly and I had no eye contact since.

OP posts:
CryptoFascist · 25/08/2025 01:55

Trust your instincts. For some men a relationship isn't the goal. Sex is the goal and they abruptly drop the nice guy act once they have it.
If you hear from him again it will only be breadcrumbs so he can get laid. Block him and maintain your dignity, you weren't to know he would behave like this as he was putting on a convincing act.

AnHourToAnywhere · 25/08/2025 01:55

What a dick, I’d just block him. He might contact you when he fancies a shag, but as he has already shown that he doesn't treat you as you want to be treated so early in the relationship, he’s really not worth it. Your friends standards are lower than yours, that’s her choice, but I’d say keep the bar high. Put it down to experience. Next time, I’d set out your expectations with anyone new. My friend is dating and can’t believe how many shit men there are out there.

FoxAches · 25/08/2025 01:57

Not overreacting. He sounds like a tosser. I'd call it off.

Lavenderandbrown · 25/08/2025 01:59

i Don’t know your age OP but this played out in my imagination as a scene in Sex and the City(sitc). Maybe Miranda or Carrie but like a switch was flipped and they’re done and off!
if you like post sex closeness via cuddling or talking or a shared morning then his style is not for you. You don’t have to decide today you can wait to see if he contacts you but i would want to be in higher contact post intimacy not less “he’s busy” contact.

I was single in my 40s and with DH and I waited a lot longer than 3 dates (I didn’t with previous men) and I could tell he was very serious about me and my dc

mummymetalhead · 25/08/2025 02:11

Yeh he sounds gross. He got what he wanted and immediately withdrew.
Put him in the bin and start fresh. He’s not worth your time or energy!

Planesmistakenforstars · 25/08/2025 02:14

I just feel very used

I get it, but there will never be any way for you, or women in general, to know which men are only after sex. So be picky who you date, enjoy your time with them, have sex when you want. You did those things, you had good sex, and you found out he is not it and not worth more of your time. You've got what you want too, in a different way. You are making the decision to call it off just as much as he is.

Chickensky · 25/08/2025 02:14

Throw this one back. It's nothing you have done or didn't do. He's not the one for you and probably won't be anyone's "one". If you had waited for 4th or 5th date things wouldn't be any different. He's a game player. Don't play. Enjoy the time and you had for the few dates and the good sex and walk away. Don't let him give you crumbs to be grateful for. He will come back at some point but block him out. I'm saying this the benefit of experience (wish I knew Mumsnet would existed at the time we would have probably saved me 2 years). The right man is out there for you, someone who doesn't make you feel like this. Walk away.

Chickensky · 25/08/2025 02:15

Planesmistakenforstars · 25/08/2025 02:14

I just feel very used

I get it, but there will never be any way for you, or women in general, to know which men are only after sex. So be picky who you date, enjoy your time with them, have sex when you want. You did those things, you had good sex, and you found out he is not it and not worth more of your time. You've got what you want too, in a different way. You are making the decision to call it off just as much as he is.

Agreed!

Subwaystop · 25/08/2025 02:24

I’m grossed out for you by his behavior. He couldn’t even bother to pretend with a bit of post coitus cuddling. Yeah, he’ll probably be back, if he wants to try to get his dick wet again. But why would anyone want to get with him even if just casually, if what’s on offer isn’t even a little physical time together after sex? He seems repulsive and I’d get the ick.

Meanwhile your gify is just the change of pace and the cuddly energy needed in your life… 😄