Aibu to write this guy off our first night together?

[KookySnail]

I’m considering c

Actually, I'd forgotten that, but me too! which probably explains my discomfort with OP's slash-and-burn exercise, which seems unnecessarily brutal without at least a follow-up call.

I suppose what I've tried to express earlier, but rather clumsily, is that sex is a huge transition in a relationship and it's not just women who can feel vulnerable as a result of it. The power dynamics of feeling desirable vs used don't just work one way.

OP mentioned that he said he prized her "kindness" more than her being hot. to me, it's not very kind to jump to the worst possible conclusions about someone you had previously grown to know and like, based on stereotypes about arrogant male behaviour.

A conversation of some kind would have established better what's really going on here. Maybe he was just being an arse, maybe he wasn't. I guess we'll never know!

I agree with your sentiment but I think in this case you needn’t be worried that any conclusions have been wrongly drawn. For instance, how would you respond to “Recovered yet?” And “You not talking (or was is speaking?) now?”.
You mention “kindness” and how Kookysnail’s date apparently prized her kindness above all else. Well where is his? Where’s his kindness in all of this? Yes, sex “is a huge transition in a relationship” as you so rightly say, so wouldn’t you think his attitude afterwards would have been more loving, more attentive? Wouldn’t a loving person explain to their date the night before, apologetically that they had an early start in the morning and discussed that then rather than it being blurted out at 2 a.m which is a bit “telling” if you ask me. Talk about having the rug pulled out from under you. How is she supposed to process that sudden shift and attitude towards her? The following day she feels embarrassed and confused. He made no effort to dispel that and just waved her on her way. Then a few days later he starts sending some childish and highly contrived minimal texts that only an arrogant misogynist would do. He doesn’t even greet her or say her name in the texts. After such a “huge transition” such as sex, I would have expected some fondness such as he was communicating previously. Maybe he had a brain transplant, or his dick was doing all the talking in the lead up.

Thank you. I must say I found that part of her post a bit ridiculous. Kindness? What kindness do I owe him exactly in that situation?

He got a shag, and I booked myself an uber and left his with absolutely 0 fuss. That was kind enough 😂😂

The kindness not to jump to some harsh conclusions about him without having one more conversation. Sorry, but you did say in your original post that you weren't sure if you were jumping the gun. I thought that's what you wanted to discuss here. From my perspective, based on my own experience, you might have been.

I’m glad you didn’t reply to either of his messages and you’ve blocked him.

YANBU. If I saw a man I was dating treating anybody the way he treated you I’d be off like a shot . He couldn’t even be bothered to look at you.
Respect and courtesy are basic requirements.

The follow up texts are a testament to who he is - a self serving wanker.

The thing is what difference would one more conversation make? It could just lead to the exact same thing happening again- he puts on the act, all nicey nicey, she thinks oh I got it wrong, then he uses her again and she gets hurt again. He has shown her who he is. He hasnt even sent a nice text or called her once he has had time to think about everything.

I get that... but, neither has she!

OP has every right not to indulge his immaturity. She is within her rights to remove herself from the equation. This is not a marriage—she has not taken vows and does not owe this bloke any “let’s stick it out and work this out” business.

True but she is also reacting to how she was treated. He did a complete 180 with his personality

The problem is that giving the benefit of the doubt and overly empathising/doing some mental gymnastics to understand someone takes the onus away from HER experience. She did not like how he behaved and she has the right to act on that. It is about her experience and what she likes. Not doing some mind reading to put some imaginary scenario in place over why he behaved that way.

I have done the latter so many times and I was always wrong. My initial instinct was always proven correct. I wish I’d acted based on how I felt- it keeps the arseholes away!

THIS!!!!

No worries, I just wanted to contribute something a bit different based on my own experience (which I'm beginning to realise must have been unique). Or maybe I've just read too much Jane Austen, where the romantic misunderstandings occur because words are not spoken 😉

Yeah if a man you just meet is acting disrespectfully and making you feel like crap, it’s not on us as women to hang around to figure them out psychologically and be their therapist or mum.

The first few months should be the honeymoon period and if he can’t even manage that, it doesn’t bode well.

You must take care of yourself first and just walk away from the situation. You see it all the time on here, women tying themselves in knots to try and see it from his POV and “understand” bad behaviour. And then 7 years on after a ring and a baby or two, they’re regretting it and wishing they didn’t ignore or explain away the signs.

The funny thing is most men wouldn’t give a new woman they were with the same grace if she acted badly, they would just exit the situation and move on. And they’re not wrong.

@KookySnail did you end up contacting him? Did he ever contact you again?

They're married now!!! 🥰 OP just daren't admit it 😀