Aibu to write this guy off our first night together?

[KookySnail]

I’m considering c

Nope YANBU

I had one like this about 5 years ago
he was shocked when I dumped him, which I have never understood.

scarily similar story slept with him about 3/4 dates, stayed over and it was awkward like I shouldnt have been there. He then went to not texting me back until 3-4pm in the afternoon.

why he was baffled when I dumped him after this and came to the conclusion he was not that keen if beyond me ?

friends I found during my dating days were well meaning but hopeless at giving advice - I was very rarely ‘off’ when my gut instinct was telling me something was wrong so you wont be either

You've dodged a bullet! I think you've read the situation accurately. Not looking at you is bad enough, the tone of his texts insult to injury. Better to find out after 3 weeks than 3 months!

yes they were rubbish weren't they and his intentions glaringly obvious in their contrived minimalism. He's actually a bit of a wordsmith to get so much implied fault on the OP's part... having ignored her in the morning and subsequently only "recovered yet?" followed sometime later "you not talking now." He must have spent time whittling them down to as few words as possible.
He probably thought that last one would provoke OP into saying why she was annoyed... so that he could start up a dialogue again.
The cheek of it
Instead she blocked him. Hilarious.

I think it’s sad to see no doubt well-meant excuses like shyness or preoccupation with work. Have we not come further than this ‘He only hurts you because he feels comfortable with you’ mentality? Surely that is a relic from the 1960s? It’s just sad.

Maybe! I'm not the OP and only she could read the situation, but if it were me I'd see him again to check out whether my interpretation was correct, rather than making some fairly damning assumptions about someone I'd liked well enough to get into bed with.

Honestly how would you feel if the guy you slept with completely changed his personality the minute the sex was finished. If the guy was shy or self conscious or even cold in any way I'm sure the OP would have noticed that on their previous dates. And to go from calling and texting before they were intimate to no response followed by a few texts of minimal words. You really think you would put it down to sudden shyness.

Well, only OP knows because she was there. But must have had her doubts, or would not have started the thread. Men can have performance anxiety when a relationship suddenly changes to a sexual one. Of course, he might just be a wanker. All I'm saying is that I'd have met up with him one more time to find out.

OP first of all I think you've handled this all well, including standing up for yourself here against the insinuation that you 'put out too early'. Btw. I'm over 50 and thirty years ago wouldn't have thought that I'd be moving too fast in your shoes. But that was in a different country.

As concerns the above, though - I do think that women continue to be considerably more vulnerable than men in sexual encounters. Contraception fails; there's the difference in strength and vulnerability to coercion, the intensity with which women are judged (as evident also on here) and so forth.

So I'd guess that women are more cautious on average because they risk more. Society would have to change a lot further for that to change... anyway I hope the next man who is good company doesn't turn out to be just after a shag.

Yes but by then they were married. Although after that he cheated on her loads. After a certain point of commitment there are lots of other reasons why people are much less likely to walk away from a relationship even if the spark has gone. At the beginning of a relationship if the spark goes that’s almost always is the end. .

Truly losing interest after sex is a thing. There are many men like this.

Yes some men do lose interest after sex. But if that's the case the length of time before sex is irrelevant. Waiting until after marriage to have sex is quite rare nowadays.

He tried to treat you poorly, to play it like he was so cool.🙄
He has made a complete tit of himself.
He did you such a favour.

I’m not sure what we are arguing about in that case? Sounds like we both agree. I’m not advocating that women should withhold sex- better to know early on if you are with that type of misogynist tbh!

Well your own example of your friend marrying a virgin but still losing interest and cheating on her just goes to show length of time waiting doesnt change anything.

i didn’t say it “changes anything” - I just said that sometimes men like this do end up in relationships.

Yes and they can end up in relationships where the woman didnt withhold sex, and then cheat when they lose interest.

He’s a pig. Block him and move on.

But if they are only a couple of dates in and they’ve already lost interest they are unlikely to stick around in the first place. Why would they even bother?

I have no idea what you’re even trying to argue about or why?

The only point I was raising is that there are men who will pursue a woman until sex and then immediately lose interest. A pp said she thinks this is a myth. It really isn’t- there are lots of men like this. It’s due to deep rooted misogyny.

Yes that's the case a lot of the time. The only way they would change is if they changed their mindset though, nothing to do with a woman withholding sex.

Yes agree

The material point is withhold sex for long enough and most guys like this will lose interest without first having sex with you. The withholding is normally not and extraordinarily long time. A couple of months usually suffices. I have been caught out myself by guys, who just saw me as a sex object. Be blowed if it’s ever happening to my dd if I can help it. Thus far I’ve listened to my gut even when she hasn’t listened terribly well to hers or mine and it hasn’t set her wrong.

I attached and article upthread explaining that waiting a while chases the guy, who is only after sex away. It’s true to say that there may be the occasional guy, who will doggedly continue to pursue a woman. But that’s the exception rather than the norm. Most guys like this when they realise the girl / woman isn’t going to readily have sex with them will lose interest and set their sights on (what they deem) an easier target.

I dated a man that did similar, turns out he had a history of childhood sexual abuse. He assumed because I was “satisfied” I had no further use for him after sex. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I’m glad I was able to talk it through with him, otherwise I probably would have done similar to what OP has done and thought he was rude.

Eurgh, why are you getting involved with your daughter’s sex life?

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having sex with someone simply for fun (provided both parties are on board with it being just for fun). Not every sexual encounter needs to be leading to a long term relationship.

Yes I agree with you. If there isnt much more than a physical attraction it's very easy to lose interest once the chase or wait for it is done. Very unusual for a guy like that to wait until marriage for sex and unless the mindset changes then he will still lose interest anyway, as the poster pointed out.

I hope he tells his dates that before he sleeps with them then. The ones who just want casual won’t be bothered maybe but not great if he’s sleeping with women who are after something more knowing he is going to lose interest. It sounds like he could probably do with some therapy as well tbh

I’m glad that you were happy with how you resolved it but perhaps for OP, irrespective of the reason for his coldness and change of behaviour, she just doesn’t want to engage further - which is fair enough and IMO a wise decision.

Personally I believe he knew exactly what he was doing with the lack of eye contact, short responses and rushing out to the gym.

But even if say this grown man genuinely doesn’t know this behaviour is offensive to many/most women, that’s a massive him problem that Op is under no obligation to sort out/talk about .

Too many women are roped into being free therapists for men they’ve just met.