To think son should protect his interests

[GiddyOrca]

My son has told me he is considering leaving his wife and wanted to know if he could return home - I said yet.

He has fleetingly mentioned issues within the marriage in the past, but I hadn't realised his were so bad.

They are undertaking a large and expensive home refurbishment which has gone drastically wrong - incomplete, behind schedule and over budget, which has caused the relationship to go into free fall.

We are NC with his wife, and she with us, so we won't be able to discuss this with her.

My son says his plan is to continue to pay the mortgage and bills whilst he'll living with us, but I don't see how he could do this long term. He is effectively penniless, despite having a well paying job.

There are 3 children involved, so I'd like him to speak to a solicitor to understand his position.

There is a backstory clearly! Again, is it beyond the bounds of possibility that the OP's son is indeed in a bad marriage, that his wife is difficult and/or abusive,

Yes, but he is an adult with 3 kids. He can see a solicitor, do research, plan for his future, rather than his mum being the one to take the lead on these matters. But as mum has decided to take it upon herself, she is coming across as one of those MILs.

Also if wife is abusive, OP’s son left his kids with the abuser wife?

If it was like the other way around and it was OP’s daughter leaving like you say in your post, I bet she would not be leaving her kids with the abuser. That’s why there is difference in reaction.

I would support your son, in getting legal advice, and support your grandchildren.

You sound so spiteful.

You also want to control what he does.

When will he be old enough to have a relationshipmwithout You being enough of a problem that his wife doesn't want to talk to you. It's so dysfunctional.for your grandkids and you don't even care, you just want to be right.

You have absolutely no idea what OP's judgement is based on!

I'd love her to enlighten us.

All ive got to go on is that her son wants to run away from his marriage and leave his wife and kids to deal with the stress of dealing a builder he insisted on hiring and a MIL that wants to bubble wrap what she sees as her sons assets and insists he would be better off away from her (and the kids by dint of her encouraging him to move away from them and leave then with the awful awful wife. Who conveniently is still good enough to be childcare)

I take your poitnt... in the absence of OP, all we can do is project our own experiences. Mine are of a poisonous woman and a soft-touch/insecure man, so that explains my viewpoint! 😊

Wrong you need to read the ops posts. Personally I agree with the op and her son is a zap for even suggesting to pay to keep her arse after he leaves. Pay for his children not her arse she needs to go to work. He's doing the honourable thing by staying and fixing up the house but he shouldn't be forced to remain with someone for the sake of the children. That's rubbish for the children living with two miserable parents who don't want to be together. What does that teach them later on. No wonder there is so many fucked up people in the world. He has every right to pick up the pieces of his toxic marriage and build a home for himself.

She may not abuse her children only her partner/husband it's not good to use children as revenge. Some people are shit partners/wife's/husbands and can be fantastic parents. Not all relationships are meant to be and the most important thing is don't hold a grudge.

There is a lot of posts of here from women with grudges. Ops son sounds sensible and a little to giving so I see why she is concerned.

I doubt that the same advice would be given to his MIL if his wife were to discuss the situation with her mother!

Biased as almost every post on this site is biased, it's one person's version of events but generally if a woman says something about her husband, partner MIL (!) it is taken as the gospel truth! Why should this be any different?

Well said, like a rat leaving a sinking ship. Op also sounds eager for him to divorce her rather than find some sort of resolution.

The op didn't say that. He will continue living there until it's completed and give the house to his wife and children. You're giving women a bad name with all this vitriol. You rather attack before reading the story.

It absolutely would.
Unless you are asked for your advice/opinion, you stay supportive and keep your mouth shut.

If she is abusive to him and the children, then he needs to leave as soon as he can and bring the children with him. He can't leave them with her.

It's not that easy friends son is going through this he'd take the children but his ex is bloody clever outside the home. All sweet and light. A primary school teacher, the parents love her as do the children. Privately she's the morals of an alley cat cruising bars and clubs for a shag.

Treating her husband badly, threatening to have him arrested for for all sorts. The children are quietly scared of her. Thankfully he gets custody of them at weekends and any night she's on the prowl. Neighbours have seen the men come and go.

He did find a lovely girlfriend, she scared her off with some nasty threats. So now he keeps his head down for the children sake.

Weirdly @GiddyOrca I'm in a similar situation, without kids.

I'm the main wage earner. I'm taking the house on but I've had to cap raise (Save because not much equity after extending the mortgage to do an extension/etc) to enable the ex to move on.

I was the one instigating the divorce but before I did i spoke with a solicitor to get advice on the financials, etc.

Was in a similar situation with a half complete house when husband left. Did what I could as cheap as possible. Ex didn’t pay the mortgage but paid child maintenance and I increased my hours to full time and claimed UC for a period so managed to scrape by paying 100% of the mortgage (plus arranging with bank to have a 6 month interest free period due to the mortgage charter until it was sold).

We sold the house as it was and split all assets 50/50. Neither of us could afford to finish the renovations so we cut our loses. Luckily the actual building work was mostly complete so managed to get it signed off with building control before listing.

How much work have they got left?

Who said she’s abusive to dc? Maybe she’s had enough of a building site and a husband running away. He’s never taking them with him. This thread is about him and his money!

Based on some of the comments this is probably not the best place for advice on protecting a man’s interest at divorce.

It always amazes me that men only find out their wife is a monster after marriage and 3 dc. Presumably the love of their life before dc! Then stress comes along with dc and a house building project and they bail out.

He won't leave until all the repairs are complete. It's not only him she wants a divorce as well. He will be continuing to pay the mortgage after he leaves. His mum thinks he's being too soft and giving her too much. He is a good man and wants to ensure his children are taken care off properly. You want to be outraged for the sake of it don't you. In your little world all men are bad. Get a grip and RTFT.

Maybe now she has the kids, he is no longer useful so time to kick him out and keep the house.

Well he’s still bailing out. Yes I did read the thread.

His DM doesn’t speak to his wife so obviously she’s alone in many ways. It’s interesting that she’s become a monster though and he didn’t spot it before 3 dc arrived! He’s still got a parental house to run to and that’s possibly half the problem! Makes planning easier. The op doesn’t know what the wife thinks. She doesn’t speak to her. Seems odd to start a building project with a wife you despise whom your DM doesn’t speak to. What did they think the outcome might be? Predictable.

this is what dh thought. Happy marriage, 3 lovely kids, extension on their forever home nearly finished.

only to discover she is having an affair, has waited until the building works are paid for to increase the mortgage and reduce the equity, uses the “stress” of the building to get him to move out and move the OM in.

let’s not pretend women are always the wronged party.

@Mustbethat Of course women can betray a man. From what op says, there were signals of poor behaviour from her earlier but he didn’t stop having dc with her,

He does not need to give her the house either. She could very likely be adequately housed elsewhere and capital released for both of them to start again. As the building costs more than planned, he’s not blameless though. They didn’t do their sums and no contingency it seems. 3 dc and holding a job down plus building work is stressful though!