To think son should protect his interests

[GiddyOrca]

My son has told me he is considering leaving his wife and wanted to know if he could return home - I said yet.

He has fleetingly mentioned issues within the marriage in the past, but I hadn't realised his were so bad.

They are undertaking a large and expensive home refurbishment which has gone drastically wrong - incomplete, behind schedule and over budget, which has caused the relationship to go into free fall.

We are NC with his wife, and she with us, so we won't be able to discuss this with her.

My son says his plan is to continue to pay the mortgage and bills whilst he'll living with us, but I don't see how he could do this long term. He is effectively penniless, despite having a well paying job.

There are 3 children involved, so I'd like him to speak to a solicitor to understand his position.

We do, we will need to reorganise the room but we can manage.

Can I suggest that you do not pick sides in the sense that you do anything or say anything against your dil.

There is clearly bad blood as you are already NC with her. Who knows why? I’m sure you will declare yourself the innocent party etc.

Offer your son a place to stay but ultimately stay out of it. Offer neutral support. But please think of the children and their healing. Least said soonest mended.

As your son might staying in your house then you of course will listen to him, support him but ultimately, the divorce is not your business to get involved with.

Staying neutral will mean a less inflammatory divorce.

Mediation and a solicitor.
Be careful, Op, not to bad mouth his wife as they might patch things up and not divorce as expected.

What ‘interests’ is he protecting? All their savings (you said their, not his) went into the house. They’re married. The house is a marital asset.

Do you mean ‘how can he leave his wife high and dry in the divorce after she worked part time to raise his kids’?

Renovations are stressful and often overrun on time and budget. What does the builder ‘he chose’ propose to do to finish the job?

Firstly, you should be a sounding board and not giving advice to your son. If he takes your advice and he doesn't like the outcome, your.relstionship will be significantly damaged.

Secondly, what do you see as the outcome of him stopping paying the mortgage?

Thirdly, what has he said about his thoughts on reducing his hours or paying for wrap around care so that his wife can work full time if they consider it the best way forward?

Finally, yes he needs a solicitor if he's looking for a divorce. But don't assume that's what he wants. There's every chance he's camping put at yours hoping to go home and if you push him to escalate the situation with solicitors, then revisit my first point about you being the fall guy if it goes horribly wrong.

If you want my personal view, you shouldn't be approaching this from an assets pov. He may be your son but you have grandchildren to consider and his relationship with them. Your question should be "how can I be supportive and neutral to allow him to come to his own conclusions, while encouraging him to keep his children at the centre of the resolution?"

Having builders in can test the strongest of marriages, even if everything goes to plan.

I bet it is incredibly stressful for them at the moment, particularly with young DC.

If they can get through this, it could actually strengthen their relationship. This could be a blip.

How long until they can get the house completed and will having the stress of the renovation removed help with the marriage? Was the marriage ok before the house issues caused such stress and tension? Have they actually tried marriage counselling before deciding to separate? Yes he could come home, but along with sorting out the house surely they need to see if they can get through this once the stress of living with a failed building project is over. If the house can be completed in a reasonable time they may be able to work things out, and I would be encouraging him to try this first, always with the understanding that he can come home if the marriage can't be saved. If they can't save the marriage then yes, they both need legal advice and mediation to ensure the split is done in the best way for the children.

Of course he should protect his interests, he would be a complete fool not to. I have a son and a daughter and would hope both of them have enough wherewithal to ensure they are not left high and dry by a spouse or partner.
Unfortunately you are unlikely to get unbiased opinions on here (the posts about how often he will have the children, is there enough room for them, why are you NC with DIL) have already started, basically the pitchforks are out and no matter what your son will be* *the bad guy in this situation.
If he can't afford the bills and the renovation it might be simpler and cleaner to sell the house as is and everyone can move on.

To offer a possible pov from your DIL... her husband is out of the house most days working, away from the kids and stress and noise.
He made the final choice on the builder, perhaps against her wishes.
He may not do anything chore wise at home because "he works".

Yet there seems to be some thiught that he is doing more than her.

He may also have decided that if she wants to work more than part time, she needs to arrange childcare because she is already his childcare. Hence he has the luxury of walking away because its all too much.

youre also assuming that it works out better for the family for her to work more hours. For all you know, they may be financially better off if she isn't. And if.the kids are little, perhaps they agreed that full time childcare and a full home renovation wasn't the most stable for kids.

He also chose 3 kids with her so he must have wanted a family amd family life so he needs to put them first. If I was your DIL and he left us in that chaos after making the final decision on the builder which sounds like it was contentious at the time anyway, he certainly wouldn't be looking to get 50 50 of the house and every other weekend. He'd be offered one week on and one week off in the family home with the kids until the property is sold whilst I went back full time. If he wanted anything less, he would he looking at less than 50% of the joint assets as he's made less than 50% adjustment to his life to accommodate his family.

It seems unfair for your son to move in with you and leave his wife to deal with the consequences of his choice of builder.

Is the house habitable? Does his wife have anywhere else to go?

He sounds like a rat leaving a sinking ship to me. Why can't he stay and get it all sorted out and leave once the renovations are complete?

What a nightmare, sympathies.

Yes, get legal help.

The fact that you and your dil are nc is interesting. Makes me wonder why and if your relationship with her added to the decline in the marriage.

Also he is married. The assets etc are to be split between them. Of course both parties should protect their own interests but hopefully not to the detriment of the well being of the DCs. And their future co parenting relationship.

He will get the building work completed and then separate. He doesn't want anything from the house, he says he would sign it over to his wife if he could.

That’s a direct contradiction to your OP which asks how he can protect his interests, so I’ve no idea what you want from this thread.

The marriage was already strained before they purchased this house and the building work. They hoped a new house would mean a fresh start.

I know her, I know the type of things she would say to him, in front of us and their DC when we were on speaking terms. It was rentless bullying, he would just try to calm her down and not say anything in return.
I am actually glad he has the courage to leave her.

They haven't tried marriage counselling.

Your DH needs to stay and complete the renovations as best he can then sell the property. You can sell a half finished house if things are that bad. What is there left to do? They split and divide the assets and go their separate ways. Do you think it’s fair that he leaves his wife and children in a mess? It doesn’t show a great strength of character on your son’s behalf to bail out when things get tough.

He needs to stay and complete the renovation for the sake of his kids.

Then attend marriage counselling, as if things are unsalvageable then this can be used for planning and meditation.

I want him to seek legal advice but he is resisting. He will just continue to pay the mortgage and bills on an ongoing basis which will leave him with nothing. He is also assuming her will agree to joint custody. I want him to protect himself and not meekly give into her.

I have stated he will get the building works completed.

The most important thing to protect is the children through the split, whatever they fully decide to do they need to make sure that they and their wellbeing are at the centre of their choices.

I wonder how his contact with the children will go, if things get acrimonious as wife is NC with the Grandparents?

Or were you seeing the children OP?

Since they are both liable for the mortgage and she only works part time, he may have to pay or sell immediately with a half done renovation.
As a single parent, separating is extremely stressful, particularly financially, and the more stressed your dil is, the more stressed the children will be. It might take time for her to find a full time job and so your son should understand that. Also, his assets are their assets. It's very possible she will be awarded more than half the house anyway so he definitely needs to seek legal advice. Although it was a long time ago, my mum ended up with 100 percent of our house with an agreement not to have access to my dad's pension.
No idea of the finer details of your son's situation, but it isn't often as simple as you might assume.

He needs to see a solicitor.
He also needs to continue paying for his DC, if that includes the mortgage, so be it.
They can sell the property when the youngest is 18, hopefully with a clear mortgage.

His primary interest, given that he is not only leaving the wife but also his 3 young children behind, should be ensuring they are suitable housed and have their needs met. You only consider your DS in this. You realise that he is leaving his wife behind who seems to be the sole carer for the DC. How involved is he? My main concern would be the grandchildren.

I hazard a guess he can only earn good money on the wife's back as she went part time to be come the primary carer for the DC. Of course she should take him to the cleaners if that is the case. He sounds wet when his only solution is to run back to mummy when things get tough.

Ah you have cast her as 'the witch'