To think son should protect his interests

[GiddyOrca]

My son has told me he is considering leaving his wife and wanted to know if he could return home - I said yet.

He has fleetingly mentioned issues within the marriage in the past, but I hadn't realised his were so bad.

They are undertaking a large and expensive home refurbishment which has gone drastically wrong - incomplete, behind schedule and over budget, which has caused the relationship to go into free fall.

We are NC with his wife, and she with us, so we won't be able to discuss this with her.

My son says his plan is to continue to pay the mortgage and bills whilst he'll living with us, but I don't see how he could do this long term. He is effectively penniless, despite having a well paying job.

There are 3 children involved, so I'd like him to speak to a solicitor to understand his position.

“I have stated he will get the building works completed”

Whilst living with you?

Are you able to say what works need doing so we can judge whether it’s worth doing or just selling as it is?

Agree with pp the wellbeing of your gc are the priority here.

The wife's parents are probably saying the same...what 'protecting your interests' looks like changes depending which side your on.

He thinks there is little point in selling it as is. The best option would be to complete the building works and for her and DC to live there, as estate agent, stamp duty and other costs will eat into the costs.

That's probably something the two of them will need to decide together.

Op, you need to put your feelings aside for DIL, the best option for your gc is not for their dad to leave them in a half finished house.

How noble of him and how gracious of you to accept him back. Leave her alone with three young children in a renovation, that’s a perfect idea!

Renovations are stressful and your son is not taking responsibility for his marriage or his mistake with the builder.

If you never want them to get back together, let him move in with you. She won’t want him as if he goes through with this it’s quite possibly the least attractive thing a man can do.

The best thing to do is support your son and do what you can to make sure he gets legal advice. They will guide him on what is fair during divorce.
Continuing to pay the mortgage and bills on the home is reasonable whilst the renovations are completed - so the house can be sold. This will benefit them both and it doesn't sound like his future ex wife is in a position to do that. But paying for everything whilst living with his parents isn't a long term solution for your ds. He will need his own home for him and the children in the future.
Of course he should be protecting himself during divorce, as will his ex. He needs legal advice.

Stay out of it, OP. No matter what’s going on, intervention from you will not help

If you cannot stay impartial then kindly op stay out of this. Let them decide what's best for them and their children, that's the main focus. Forget about their assets. Presumably your son has remained working full time over a number of years so potentially has higher uninterrupted earning capability. That's his asset that he will be taking with him if they divorce.
The children deserve a safe home to live in with the least amount of stress possible.

Huge assumption. His wife might be horrendous.

Op, are you worried if you lend him money, you wouldn't get it back it. And that would be her fault?

If that is the case, I would advice for you to see a solicitor yourself and ask how you can loan your son money, safely.

How many times has the OP said that her son will be staying there until the building work is complete yet people are still jumping on accusing him of leaving his kids in a building site.

MN is the wrong place for a man to get advice OP, it doesn’t matter what he does it will never be enough. Tell him to seek proper legal advice, if they are decided on a divorce it’s the only way forward in situations like this.

OP has repeatedly stated that he plans to finish the renovations. He will not be leaving his children in a half finished house.

It'll be okay, he can always have a relationship with his DC.
Shit happens, the DC are the priority.
He is willing to look after them financially, emotionally.
Everything else is just stuff. 🥰

He should definitely see a solicitor to find out exactly where he stands.

He should keep clear records of any money paid to his wife for child support/bills as she may claim later that he did not pay.

But all this can only happen if the wife agrees to stay in the home with the DCs, despite it being unfinished. They need to discuss it.

Getting advice from an estate agent as to whether they should sell now would also be useful

The split might not be permanent, so he doesn't want legal advice yet. If the split is permanent then there will be child arrangements and a divorce to organise. He isn't at that stage yet, so let him work at his pace. 50/50 won't work because of his working hours. You might be thinking of stepping in, it will get one over on your ex DIL, but the only people getting really damaged will be your GC. She may need to work more hours and access arrangements may have to be done to benefit her, but it's your GC who it will really benefit. You seem to be jumping in while you have chance, but it won't end well. She is the primary parent, the children will reside with her.

He is happy to pay the bills and mortagage… well of course he should be paying for housing, heating, electricity and water for his children. Do you think they should not have them?

If he’s feeling very mentally low and stressed, guilty etc about next steps, I wouldn’t push him just now re solicitors etc. There’s time for all that. Let him focus on finishing the refurb, encourage him not to agree or sign anything for now. Once he’s out of the family home and a status quo has been reached with the DC etc he may be able to think about seeing a solicitor or mediation on finances.

He sounds like he really wants to do right by ex and DC but ultimately he can’t expect you to fund his life while he funds his ex’s indefinitely.

if he can, get him to figure out house equity, pension values etc. would his ex be able to cover the mortgage and bills with UC and her wage?

@GiddyOrca There isn’t joint custody. One parent needs to be the resident parent for practical reasons and register with GP etc. She should get any child benefit.

I suspect his wife finds it hard with 3 dc, building works, working herself and money issues. I’m assuming you never had this pressure in your life so maybe don’t understand. Plus your DS should stay and sort it out! He entered into the renovation as well as her!!! He’s got to see this through for his family.

Your position is mostly about him and not the 3 dc. This probably explains why your DS is running away. They need to get the project finished, he needs to work with the builder to minimise costs (which always are wrong!) and do some work himself to get costs down. They have obviously taken on a project without enough funds which was stupid.

There are so many assumptions in these responses that are blaming the father. A bunch of men hating women quick to accuse the guy just because he is a man. It’s not always and only the man’s fault. And particularly in this case when by the sounds of it, OP’s son is planning to do the right thing by his children. Some of you will have sons and will be mothers in law one day. I wonder if you think then that it’s always and only the man’s fault when it comes to your own sons.

I think that he should try to value the relationship( 3 kids involved) and at least go for couples counselling. Having an external skilled person talk with them should help them. I would try to reach out to wife again. It’s worth a try. She needs also to not throw blame around.. builders can be crap… not the first time it’s broken a marriage… at least if counselling fails he knows he’s tried.

I think you need to realise he is doing what he feels is right by his family given the situation he is in, so although you mean well by wanting him to seek legal advice etc he is a grown man and can decide what route he wants to take

Why can’t she contribute to the mortgage and bills?

I agree it’s a good idea for him to see a solicitor but don’t you realise that in the event of a divorce she could be entitled to half the equity of the house, if they sell it? And half of his pension…up to half of everything. He won’t walk away with everything. If she’s got the headspace at the moment and I was her friend, I would be advising her to see a solicitor.

No one would give this advice if the positions were reversed, and the wife and mother was the principal breadwinner and the one who had chosen the builder. Everyone would be advising her to consult a lawyer asap and make sure she gets as much from the divorce as she can.

OP, do whatever you need to do to ensure your son feels loved and supported.

OP has clarified that they have witnessed her DS being verbally abused by his wife.

If he wants to get some legal advice, that would be useful. And if you can guide him towards getting help in with the abuse when he's ready.

Does she also verbally abuse the children? Or will she when your son isn't there to bully anymore?