To think son should protect his interests

[GiddyOrca]

My son has told me he is considering leaving his wife and wanted to know if he could return home - I said yet.

He has fleetingly mentioned issues within the marriage in the past, but I hadn't realised his were so bad.

They are undertaking a large and expensive home refurbishment which has gone drastically wrong - incomplete, behind schedule and over budget, which has caused the relationship to go into free fall.

We are NC with his wife, and she with us, so we won't be able to discuss this with her.

My son says his plan is to continue to pay the mortgage and bills whilst he'll living with us, but I don't see how he could do this long term. He is effectively penniless, despite having a well paying job.

There are 3 children involved, so I'd like him to speak to a solicitor to understand his position.

It doesn’t sound like there’s much money to fight over here.

the children need to be housed. Sounds like best idea is get the renovations finished and discuss ongoing finances in mediation. If there’s no abuse on either side and mediation is possible of course.

Where did op say he was doing that? I read the complete opposite.

Where did op say that have you read all of ops posts?

@CoralSea I don't think she will get very much from the property until it's finished. She'll be entitled to some of his pension. Luckily for her the ops son probably wouldn't burn down the house if that was all she wanted from him. I have learned some men would.

I am not on either side here but he is planning to leave the children with his ex wife and proposing to settle her/silence her with the house. He doesn't own tge house—as there is a mortgage-so its really a white elephant. Someone has to keep paying the mortgage or they lose the equity and the housing at the same time. He is choosing to move out and pay the mortgage in lieu of being a husband, provider, and full time parent. Its not meritorious but its not a bad trade.

Completely agree.

Hes made vow - for better for worse, in sickness and in health.

He needs to put his big boy pants on and work at his marriage. Not run away to mummy. I’d be embarrassed

His wife has failed to live up to these values. It's not a happy marriage.

In your opinion, which will always be biased. You do sound overly involved and opinionated. It’s normal to care about your son but you do need to take a step back and realise you aren’t coming from a neutral perspective

I would take them splitting up with a pinch of salt. I have never hated my DH more than when we were in the middle of a huge house renovation. We tried to save money by living in the house during renovations but that was a huge mistake as it was so stressful and miserable. The constant dust and builders in your home 24/7. I hated one of our workmen. He was rude and completely useless and clearly trying to scam us at every opportunity. I 100% blamed my DH for choosing him.

Let him stay at yours for a few days to give them a bit of space. Then tell him to go home.

Once the house is done, no doubt things will improve drastically for all of them.

Tbh, you sound a bit like you’re revelling in the thought of them splitting up. Stay well out of it. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

I know enough to know he would be better of without her. The only thing that's kept him with her has been their children.

you just need to stop meddling. This is not your marriage.

You sound way too invested. I get that he’s your son, but this is an unhealthy level of wanting them to separate, unless there’s some massive backstory

I’d love to hear her side of the story, I bet it involves a meddling mother in law and a spineless husband..

There is a backstory clearly! Again, is it beyond the bounds of possibility that the OP's son is indeed in a bad marriage, that his wife is difficult and/or abusive, that a loving mother would prefer to see him out of it? I feel like mumsnet is a parallel universe where every woman - no, every mother - is a saint and if otherwise, has been driven to it by a terrible man. If it was the OP's daughter that was being talked about here, the answers would be entirely different, even correcting for the circumstances re earning, childcare etc. OP, give up, mumsnet is not the place to come for a balanced view on these things.

You clearly missed the bit were he's staying until the renovations are done. They have previously discussed separating so not done on a whim. Well done op for trying to help your son.
We've all seen relationships where it's obvious things are not right and step in to help when needed, it's not being gleeful to be relieved her son has seen the light.

And now you’re showing your cards.

You don't want him to see a solicitor in order to protect himself. You want him to do it in order to push along a divorce that you want him to have. To make it official and put the nail in the coffin of their marriage.

If they do permanently split up, he will end up seeing a solicitor at some point, I’m sure. But in his own time. This really has nothing to do with you.

If ir was a woman feeling bullied by her husband you wouldn’t say that. Men can be bullied too you know.

I wouldn't want a partner or husband to stay with me for the children's sake. Unhappy parents mean unhappy children what is there to work out. Your son is doing the honourable thing and sticking around until the house is done but he needs to tell her to go to work when he leaves. He needs to sort himself out as well and so does she.

It’s not beyond the bounds of possibility, but we’re only hearing OP’s side so always important to keep that in mind. Tbh I rarely think separation is good for kids so have a bit of bias here

Living beyond means often leads to this kind of situation.

To be honest I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with advising your son to get legal advice.

I do think there’s two sides to the story, and it’s likely she isn’t this horrid witch who’s ruined your son’s life though. You’re obviously going to be biased as your son can do no wrong to you.

PPs putting the boot in here don't seem to accept that some marriages are just shit, and some women are horrible people.

I'm sorry he made a bad choice OP and glad you are there to help him find his feet again.

That is the same on every single thread. But men are never, ever given the benefit of the doubt. The OP's story is entirely credible and not all that unusual, she is not claiming her daughter in law is a literal witch or anything 🙄

Of all the many, many threads where posters, in their rush to stick the knife in, fail to RTFT, this has to be in the top 10

Whatever the position and regardless of whose "fault" it is they should both get legal and unbiased advice. It's only common sense.

It's never down to one person, it takes 2 to make a relationship.