To think son should protect his interests

[GiddyOrca]

My son has told me he is considering leaving his wife and wanted to know if he could return home - I said yet.

He has fleetingly mentioned issues within the marriage in the past, but I hadn't realised his were so bad.

They are undertaking a large and expensive home refurbishment which has gone drastically wrong - incomplete, behind schedule and over budget, which has caused the relationship to go into free fall.

We are NC with his wife, and she with us, so we won't be able to discuss this with her.

My son says his plan is to continue to pay the mortgage and bills whilst he'll living with us, but I don't see how he could do this long term. He is effectively penniless, despite having a well paying job.

There are 3 children involved, so I'd like him to speak to a solicitor to understand his position.

Your son is a man with 3 kids, who needs to be watched out for. I am assuming your son is well into his adulthood. Please let him make his choices and just support him with what he needs ( eg right now a place to stay) rather than treat him like a kid needing mummy’s help.

I don't see any evidence of OP infantilising her son, just being concerned that he's been flattened by an abusive marriage and may need some gentle support to seek legal assistance with navigating his way through a potentially ruinous situation.

Op I hope you have not enabled him or encouraged him to leave his wife and kids.

I suspect so because she went NC for a long time, and it seems like your son was ok with it, you want him to protect his interests when he says he wants to pay the mortgage and bills for a house his kids live in.

His wife blaming him for the renovation mess is not end of the world scenario. Renovations, building a house can be very stressful, especially for a couple with 3 primary school kids. Many couples get into arguments and eventually blame game. I can imagine she is the primary care giver to 3 small
kids plus working part time. It could be very stressful to deal with living in such environment and taking care of kids and work.

Is that why he is leaving his wife and kids and running to mum? You seem to be ok for housing his kids in your home after some arrangements to a room. Do you know a mother is more important to
kids’ development than living in grandparents house so that father can secure his interests?

This x 100.

They need to get their heads down and finish the job so they can sell it.

Waltzing off mid renovations, and 3 kids is a terrible idea.

How can you not see that?

How do you know it’s abusive marriage? Her response to her son wanting to pay the bills and mortgage was to protect his interests. She is clearly trying to influence him and not consider responsibilities he has towards his own kids.

But he has 3 children who will be living there too. If the wife doesn't have a place to live, what about his children? Will there be 50/50 custody?

Also, why are you so full of venom towards his wife? You have been pretty vague about the reasons for your bad relationship with her. What has she done, specifically?

We can strike reading and comprehension off the school curriculum, as this thread shows it's a waste of educators' time.

I'd also divorce some of the posters on this thread as the level of understanding is so poor, communication must be an absolute struggle.

Does he work? Why did he take on such expensive renovations with 3 dependant kids in primary school when he and his part time employed wife couldn’t afford it and he was not happy in his marriage?

I was basing the impression of an abusive marriage on the following posts by OP:

He has fleetingly mentioned issues within the marriage in the past, but I hadn't realised his were so bad.

I know her, I know the type of things she would say to him, in front of us and their DC when we were on speaking terms. It was rentless bullying, he would just try to calm her down and not say anything in return. I am actually glad he has the courage to leave her.

His wife has failed to live up to [marital] values. It's not a happy marriage.

And regarding his responsibilities towards his own kids (and wife):

His plan is to continue to pay the mortgage and bills whilst he'll living with us, but I don't see how he could do this long term. He is effectively penniless, despite having a well paying job.

He will continue to pay to get [the works to the house] completed. He might need to borrow to get the work finished.

He will get the building work completed and then separate. He doesn't want anything from the house, he says he would sign it over to his wife if he could.

I don't think there is anything unreasonable about this:
I want him to seek legal advice but he is resisting. He will just continue to pay the mortgage and bills on an ongoing basis which will leave him with nothing. He is also assuming her will agree to joint custody. I want him to protect himself and not meekly give into her.

Do you? Or do you think only the wife and children deserve any kind of future?

But op had an issue with her son paying his share of the cost towards the house, where his kids live. She wanted him to protect his interests.

It’s so easy for men to pack bag and leave kids because wife is there to look after them while rarely you hear a woman leave marriage leaving kids for her husband to deal with.

And op is worried about son protecting his interests. Whose interests are those 3 kids? Wife’s? Then I am on her side.

It is in his children’s best interest for him to get legal advice. He needs to make sure that both he and his wife leave the marriage in as stable of financial positions as possible. Outlining a custody agreement also avoids arguments later as both parties can always ignore it when times are good, but have something to fall back on when there is disagreement.

focus on the fact that seeing a solicitor isn’t about him, it is about what is best for his children. That is the truth and it might help him get into action.

I can also copy paste things op wrote which gave me the impression I have but there is no point.

Son left his kids with the so called abusive wife. Son said he will continue to pay mortgage while living away ( not having to look after children, least he can do is pay for their home, while abusive nanny is doing her job) and OP’s reaction is to see a solicitor and protect his interests.

I hope the son is doing his own research rather than outsourcing this to his mum, like he has left looking after of his kids on his wife.

We are talking about a man old enough to have 3 primary age kids.

As long as he is doing equal parenting.

I think, if he would like his ex to continue to do the majority of the childcare, he's absolutely right that he should continue to support the household. He's thinking about what's best for his dc, as he should be.

How can you not read a thread?🙄

How can YOU not see that OP has explained her sons intentions:

• stay until house renovations are completed
• separate from DW
• seek temporary accommodation with OP whilst DW/DC remainin in the complete house

OP and son are being painted as the villians here because 'suprise suprise' OP is related to the DH and not DW. All kinds of assumptions are being made and details such as bullying behaviour from DW are ignored (if roles were reversed this would be accepted without question). There's even posters discouraging legal advice which is ridiculous.

OP your son should absolutely seek legal advice. Seeing through the project completion seems sensible but beyond that go through the legal channels and have the assets divided up accordingly.

It's in the DC best interests for both parents to be in as stable an enviornment as possible. No point in DW being in a luxurious build whilst DH is forced into living back with parents or vice versa. Good luck.

He isn't leaving now. He's planning to stay until the renovations are complete. Read the thread first.

He hasn't left yet. It's perfectly okay to abuse hour spouse and be 'kind' to your children.
The resentment I had before leaving my ex did not extend to our child.

Yes it's the least he can do, but he's planning to give the house to her entirely- exceeding the least.

You rarely hear of women up and leaving because they are often financially dependent.

A sahm, or as in this case, a woman who works PT is unlikely to have the resources to fund leaving. It makes more economic sense for her to stay and continue with her child rearing responsibilities, enabling the ex husband to work and pay child maintenance.

additionally the parent who leaves is then very vulnerable in the financial split- they’re housed, so it’s more likely the split will favour the wife as if they force her to sell or she can’t afford to buy him out it could leave her unhoused.

unless o/p’s son is high earning he could be left paying for all the work on the house, which she then gets awarded in the divorce. Then he’s stuck at his mums, it’s difficult to see the children, and he can’t afford to buy or rent a house big enough to house himself and his children. If she leaves she’ll really struggle to find somewhere new for herself and the kids.

it sounds like it’s in the children’s best interest to sack off this house, sell it as a project, and buy two smaller houses they can stay comfortably.

o/p’s son needs to get legal advice because it’s not just him, he has a responsibility to his kids and he needs to make sure he is a financial place where he can provide and parent them properly.

How can you not read that this is exactly what he's doing? The renovations will be finished and then he'll move out and whatever decisions need to be made will be dealt with then.

I tell him to think carefully about whether this is what he really wants. It sounds like the renovation has just got on top of them. Life is hard with small kids without a huge project on top. Some people just want to bail rather than put in the hard work to move through things.

If he leaves he still has more earning capacity than his wife. Most divorces seek a clean break. Therefore if she stays in the family house, who is paying for it? With a clean break he won’t be. Therefore to achieve a clean break they must sell.

It’s very easy to paint a woman with 3 young dc with a job, living in a building site and trying to do the childcare as not a “proper wife” as OP alludes to. All her DS seems to do is provide money. With a decent job he’s not penniless either. He has more capacity than his wife to buy somewhere better. He earns more!

They need to finish the house, sell and split the assets. Who says the house is luxurious? Could be renovated on a shoestring! By the sounds of it, her borrowing capacity is limited and they have financially stretched themselves. Even if she has the house, can she afford to run it? And a car?

I said earlier that the DS needs to roll his sleeves up and do some work in the house but the op thinks his wife should be a grateful angel because he’s helped provide a house. Not all stressed mums can remain calm and grateful and Im not sure the DS is pulling his weight here. It’s just about money in his eyes. Not much else featuring in his thoughts or the OP’s.

I guess, I just don’t think there’s enough detail about why they are NC and what she’s like. To be NC with your DIL seems quite extreme (not saying it is the OP’s fault at all, we don’t know why, just it’s a very big thing to cut someone off)

You’ve raised a weak person who won’t stand up for himself? Sounds like he has moved from one controlling woman to another and is now moving back. I’d guess he’s in his late 30s/ early 40s? Time to cut those apron strings and let him make his own choices. If he wants to sign over the house to her, let him. He is allowed to make that choice. If he wants to pay their mortgage, let him. The only decision you get to make is whether you are prepared to support him unequivocally or not.