To think son should protect his interests

[GiddyOrca]

My son has told me he is considering leaving his wife and wanted to know if he could return home - I said yet.

He has fleetingly mentioned issues within the marriage in the past, but I hadn't realised his were so bad.

They are undertaking a large and expensive home refurbishment which has gone drastically wrong - incomplete, behind schedule and over budget, which has caused the relationship to go into free fall.

We are NC with his wife, and she with us, so we won't be able to discuss this with her.

My son says his plan is to continue to pay the mortgage and bills whilst he'll living with us, but I don't see how he could do this long term. He is effectively penniless, despite having a well paying job.

There are 3 children involved, so I'd like him to speak to a solicitor to understand his position.

It’s not about running home to parents a breakdown of a relationship is hard at the best of times adding in 3 kids and a house renovation which is going wrong of course tensions will rise. He probably naturally wants to remove from the situation if him and his wife are fighting or arguing.

Well that's not how divorce works, there is nothing to say he won't get anything, of course he will get something. The starting point is always 50/50. It might be that they need to buy two smaller houses. However the courts will not financially punish her for working part time as it was joint decision that they both made during the marriage. They also won't see her homeless with him in a big house and her left without anything - which should go without saying that a decent man wouldn't do this to this to the mother of his children.

You need to take your feelings out of the equation. Your son is deciding what’s best for him but he needs to think about what’s the best situation for the children- him moving home with his parents whilst leaving his young children in a renovation, is this really the best solution?

The children are the priority here. Moving house is stressful, renovating a house is stressful, sadly these are solutions to marriage problems but leaving when the home isn’t finished is a great idea either.

House renovation broke my BILs marriage. They were living in a caravan in the garden though. They sold the house as is.

It's not a bad idea to move out but beware he doesn't do an ostrich thing. He needs to take responsibility for the house and the kids. So let him have the break to clear his head but formalise things with legal advice.

You think he should cover absolutely everything?! How about the wife ? She will either be working and earning or staying at home and on benefits plus his maintenance payment, so surely she should be paying something.

No he shouldn't be able to come home! A major refurb, money issues and three kids. No. Crack on with sorting this mess out. Leaving his wife to deal with all that while he swans back home to mummy. Grow backbone and tell him NO. This is the most unreasonable thing I've seen posted. My husband and I did the very same if he'd dared to leave in the midst of literally never have spoken to his MIL again. Stay out of his one and say NO he's got to grow a pair and sort this out. How dare he leave. How irresponsible. And you're indulging this shit? I feel sorry for his wife.

Tell him not to leave the home until the financial settlement and child arrangements are agreed and subject to a court order.

I think the legal advice is to sit tight while you're sorting everything out. But he could have the odd sleepover. His wife may well welcome it

He AND his wife need to figure out a plan to provide for the children you mean.

How many, many times do I need to mention that he won't be leaving until the house is finished.

They have been unhappy for a long time and they have discussed separation in the past.

I think you should be very proud of your ds that his first instinct is to pay the mortgage and bills - lots of men start at the other end, and we need more who take responsibility for the family they’ve created.

Building works create so much strain on a marriage, even when everything else is going well. It’s not unusual for costs to creep up alarmingly, and the end date to stretch further away. I’d be encouraging them both to try and hang in there until it’s done. Everything will feel different when it’s over, and they’ll both be in a better place to make big decisions properly.

It is not going to be easy with children and mid renovation. But your son is an adult and I would keep your thoughts about how to "protect his interests" to yourself unless advice is asked for. Even then try to be a more listening and guiding ear.

The priorities are children first, stability and a home(s), then a fair financial split in everyone's "interests".

Why do people bother replying without actually comprehending what's been said?
Let's see if we can clarify for the hard of understanding OPS SON IS NOT GETTING ON WITH HIS WIFE AND HASN'T FOR SOME TIME. THEY ARE HAVING RENOVATIONS DONE WHICH OPS SON IS PAYING FOR AND WILL STAY UNTIL THEY ARE COMPLETED. THEN HE WILL MOVE IN WITH OP AND CONTINUE TO PAY ALL BILLS AND THE MORTGAGE. Which is actually more than he is legally required to do. It's really not his fault the builder is shit. He has even said he is willing to sign the house over to her which is ridiculous is she actually contributing anything apart from childcare and a part time job. Doesn't sound like it. Sometimes it's not the man's fault things are going wrong.

I think he needs to stay until the house is finished and life will calm down. They both sound stressed. His instinct is to run and leave her literally in the mess. He needs to think of all of them not just himself.

4th thing. Split funds equally to move on on an equal footing

3 primary children need housing and the wife works part time. An equal split of assets is unlikely.

Don't wipe his arse for him.

Tell him to sort his shit out before he runs back to mummy.

He hasn't split up yet!

Please see my post above yours. Fml.

He sounds weak. Do the counselling make it work. Consider your children, don’t run away.

I don't want him to end up with nothing and her to have a fully paid house

But this is exactly what you are enabling by letting him live with you. If he had to find his own accommodation, pay his rent and bills, then he would not be willing or even able to give everything to his wife. He would need his share to support himself.

Tell him you've changed your mind and he can't stay with you.

I think all parties need to focus on what is best for the children.

OP has stated he will get the work finished before he leaves

This man sounds to be in exactly the same situation as my cousin - and a number of other men I know. Newsflash - women are also capable of being abusive, of having the larger share of blame in difficult dynamics and sometimes, of using their children as weapons. Not to say that this is the case here but surely anyone who has lived in the world knows of such cases.

Thete is nothing wrong with what the OP has said about wanting to support her son's best interests.

Because he's still living there to, he hasn't left!