Big argument with sister over DS

[GeordieInSunderland]

Sister and I have children very close in age. Our DS’s are 9, my DD is 6 and her DD is 7.

Every summer holidays we meet up weekly for a big day out. At the start of this holiday sister sent me a list of day out ideas. I replied “I’ll show DS and see what he thinks ☺️”. This one sentance was a huge mistake, taken way out of context and set the tone basically for the following weeks. She replied “Well last time I checked we had 4 kids between us, not just DS”. I responded saying I didn’t mean it like that! Just that I’d show him the list and get his thoughts.

Anyway, most weeks have gone well but last week we had arranged a day out to cinema and bowling however DS saw something different advertised and said he’d like to do that instead. I messaged sister and said “Do you mind if we change plans for tomorrow? There is something on in town I think they’d all like”. She replied “DS would like you mean? Well no sorry, sticking to plans already made”. Fair enough. She took her kids on planned day, I took mine to alternate activity.

Sister is now saying that DD was upset and told her she had been really upset at missing the day with her cousin and having to go to DS’s boring thing. I don’t believe DD said this as she appeared to enjoy it. Sister then asked DD if she wanted to go to Alton towers with her and her kids. I said no as DS doesn’t like theme parks and she snapped “I’m not asking him! I’m asking her! It’s not all about him!” DS was in ear shot and ended up crying. I’m fuming and have said we’ll just do our own thing for the remainder of the holidays. It has proper blown up where she has basically accused me of neglect.

AIBU to go NC for the remainder of the holidays?

You only seem concerned with what your son does or does not like?
Why didn't you show the list of days out to your daughter and ask her opinion?!

You don't need to go NC. Just say you are doing your own thing. The kids are getting older and developing their own interests - they're not going to want to all tag along with each other for ever more.

“going NC” … the MN default option for minor disputes.

Do much drama, about so little

It does sound like you are prioritising DS's wants but I am not convinced that you are doing it deliberately. In the situation whereby DS had wanted to do something different advertised I would have told him that something else was planned instead. However you'd look out for something similar another time.

I can see why your sister snapped about AT. Instead of saying "that sounds like a fab idea, are you OK taking just DD as I'll do something different with DS instead" you've just said no automatically preventing your DD from doing something that she would enjoy.

You do seem to prioritise your son's preferences over your daughter's based on these examples. Something to reflect on.

How often does your DD get a say in the choice of activities your family does?

It sounds like you do think it should be all about him tbh.

I agree. Your children are siblings but they’re not shackled together in irons and if she’s offering to take your daughter to a theme park I’d be saying thanks very much. They’re going to need more separate stuff as they get older.

Tbh if I sent some outings ideas to a friend and she said she’d be sitting down to filter through them with one of her children I would be thinking “come on we’re the grown ups here and we can choose a range of things to make sure all the kids enjoy themselves” and would question why everything needs to be signed off by one of the kids.

I was on your side until the last example but now I see your sister's POV. Why should your DD miss out on an invite to a theme park because DS doesn't like them?

Tbf I can see where your sister is coming from - it does seem to be all about your DS.

I think YABU, from the examples given you do take your DS’s preferences over anyone else’s. Did you even ask your DD if she wanted to do the new activity rather than go with what was planned? And did you ask her if she’d like to go to AT?

Have a think about why you seem to revolve your world around your DS. My guess is this is the straw that broke the camels back for your sister.

No contact, talk about OTT . What happens when something really major actually happens? 🤦🏻‍♀️

I can see why your sister is frustrated. If your DS really wants to do something that the others don’t, just go another day rather than dictate to the bigger group? If he wasn’t invited to the theme park why did you say no? Why on earth would you ‘go NC’ over this? So many questions but from the OP YABU.

Genuinely thought your DS was your only child. I’m getting strong “golden child” vibes from you about him. Your poor DD.

It does sound to an outsider a bit DS-focused. But you guys are waaaay too enmeshed. Do what you want with your kids, she does what she and her kids want, and if there’s an overlap about something then go together! No need to fall out - Too Much Drama!

Surely part of the reason for getting kids together is for them to have a range of experiences? They need to know that it cant all be about what they’d like to do, need to try new things or “put up” with a certain activity knowing they’ll like the next one etc.

Why not let DD go with your sister if she wants to go, and if your son doesnt then do something just the two of you. Or stop planning to do everything together? You dont need to be in each others pockets all the time.
Its no big deal and not something to go no contact over.

@GeordieInSunderland YABU and are being very petty, flaky and narrow minded.

If you made plans with DSis then you should have stuck to them, not try to change them. That's rude. You owe your sister an apology.

If your DS doesn't want to go to Alton Towers, then tough shit - you're the parent and he is a child so does NOT get to choose. Either let your DD go with your sister, or all go together.

You're teaching your DS he can have a tantrum and get what he wants. Making a rod for your own back.

Your sister has the right idea. You make plans and the kids go along with it. They need to learn that they don't always get what they want, that different people have different interests, and that they need to learn to be kind.

I have 3 kids, very different interests, and I pick activities that they all like, or maybe only 1 of them likes. If they moan and are unkind they lose privileges.

It sounds like it's all about your DS, the fact your sister knew it was your DS who had changed the activity suggests him having his wants prioritised is the norm. It's nice your sister is thinking about your DD and trying to involve her in a fun day out. She shouldn't have snapped and upset your DS but that wouldn't have happened of you would have been a decent person and not made it all about your DS.
I'm wondering if this is a reverse because surely it can be seen in the writing that DS is being treated as the priority.

Is this a reverse? I cant believe anyone could type it and not see their sister might have a point.

If it is real....The only thing you need to do is realise you need to balance the needs of 4 children not just one...Your DSis is right and you'd be ridiculous to go "NC" for 3 weeks (which isnt NC...)

I can see how with a9 year old and a six year old it's maybe been easy when they were younger of getting into the habit of pleasing the older one with a maybe easy going younger one just happily tagging along with what pleased big brother. However now your ddd is 6 she will have more opinions about what she likes doing and if you don't give equal priority you are setting up a situation where the older one (boy) thinks he is more important than the younger one (girl) This would be a very unhealthy situation to generate and could make your ds think he is more important than his sister. I would have allowed all 4 children to make one choice over the holidays or maybe separated into town cousin groups ...the older boys, younger girls sometimes if that works. I am very fond of my brother but when we were young there was a definite intention to prioritise his desires first 'for the sake of peace' my mum would say and that can lead to some resentment when you get older and realize this happened in childhood. It can impact on adult relationships between siblings which can be often seen on these boards. It can also lead to some very entitled adult men. I do think you need to examine why you seem to prioritise your son souch, especially when this has been pointed out to you by a sibling you are close enough to spend a fair bit of summer holiday time with. I certainly wouldn't be going no contact.

Yeah I’m with your sister on this one! Why don’t need to run everything by your ds? He’s not the boss of you all!!

Are you not allowing your daughter to go to Alton Towers because you're angry with your sister or because she's not allowed to do anything your son doesn't like?

Surely going to the theme park with her aunt is the perfect solution? Why should she miss out because her brother doesn’t like it?

Fair enough if your ds doesn’t like theme parks, but doesn’t mean your dd can’t go

you've worded your posts to imply you prioritise your ds, assuming you’re going to drop feed why that is?