Big argument with sister over DS

[GeordieInSunderland]

Sister and I have children very close in age. Our DS’s are 9, my DD is 6 and her DD is 7.

Every summer holidays we meet up weekly for a big day out. At the start of this holiday sister sent me a list of day out ideas. I replied “I’ll show DS and see what he thinks ☺️”. This one sentance was a huge mistake, taken way out of context and set the tone basically for the following weeks. She replied “Well last time I checked we had 4 kids between us, not just DS”. I responded saying I didn’t mean it like that! Just that I’d show him the list and get his thoughts.

Anyway, most weeks have gone well but last week we had arranged a day out to cinema and bowling however DS saw something different advertised and said he’d like to do that instead. I messaged sister and said “Do you mind if we change plans for tomorrow? There is something on in town I think they’d all like”. She replied “DS would like you mean? Well no sorry, sticking to plans already made”. Fair enough. She took her kids on planned day, I took mine to alternate activity.

Sister is now saying that DD was upset and told her she had been really upset at missing the day with her cousin and having to go to DS’s boring thing. I don’t believe DD said this as she appeared to enjoy it. Sister then asked DD if she wanted to go to Alton towers with her and her kids. I said no as DS doesn’t like theme parks and she snapped “I’m not asking him! I’m asking her! It’s not all about him!” DS was in ear shot and ended up crying. I’m fuming and have said we’ll just do our own thing for the remainder of the holidays. It has proper blown up where she has basically accused me of neglect.

AIBU to go NC for the remainder of the holidays?

I also think that it sounds like your son gets prioritized over everyone, and before you know it you’ll be asking his permission to do your own stuff. Who else is getting the right of veto of the four children?

My guess is your sister is probably right here and you haven’t reminded your son in a while that you’re telling and not asking.

😂😂😂

You’ve obviously been favouring your son over your daughter for a while as your sister reacted to it immediately when your first text leaned that way. She knows more than we do.

You’ve said you don’t believe your daughter said it, but you didn’t actually go and speak to her. You haven’t asked her what she thinks, only what your son thinks. If your sister is seeing neglect in other areas as well then I’d take some time to self reflect and consider if she has a point.

And maybe ask your daughter, instead of your son.

I was your day. My brother was always the one who preference was taken into account on days out, where we ate, films we saw etc. It often was miserable for me.

"do you mind if we change plans for tomorrow? (what I actually mean is I am changing plans regardless of your answer so really I'm just informing you and you can tag along if you want)"

Can't see why that didn't go down well

When I first read your post, I thought you only had one child, your son, and that the other three children were your sister's. Maybe that should make you think a little bit.

First of all, I don't think "no contact" should be something you do to people you love. It's a ridiculous response to a petty argument. Secondly, it does sound like you put your son and his wants above everyone else, which is unfair on the other children and I can see why your sister finds this grating. It was poor form to suggest changing an agreed event just because your son had seen something he wanted to do more.

Yabvu. Judging by this post you do seem to put your DS and feelings and his wants before your DD's which is really shitty. Your sister has gently called you out on it and rightly so. I'd definitely not go NC for the rest of holidays over this and I'd let her take DD to Alton towers too, your DS doesn't want to go? Tough! he's done plenty of his wants so she can do something she wants, he can either suck it up for the day or he can not go and stay at home with you whilst DD has a blast with her Auntie and Cousins.

I have a friend who prioritises one DS over all other kids (hers and family/friends). He’s incredibly challenging and kicks off whenever he doesn’t get his way so for her it makes life easier. But it does mean they are running out of options of families who will spend time with them and the kid in question doesn’t have many friends at all.

Yes, here we go again, ‘much ado about nothing’.

Sounds like a huge backstory we’re everything is done by what your Ds wants even if his sister doesn’t or would like something else.

Let DD go to Alton towers why should she miss out when she has an aunty willing to take her.

My three children all like different things doesn’t mean we never do things one child isn’t keen on. Give and take. They all get to do things they want the world doesn’t revolve around one child.

It’s you, not her.

Yeah it sounds to me like you definitely have a favourite child. I’d look to address that sooner rather than later or you’ll have problems. (If you don’t already)

Sister then asked DD if she wanted to go to Alton towers with her and her kids. I said no as DS doesn’t like theme parks

So why couldn’t your Dd go with her aunt and cousins as invited?

You were well out of order here, and this gives a clue as to why your DSis thinks your Ds rules the roost

Placing bets now on a drip feed that Ds has Sen and that’s why his asked and always pandered too.

Wouldn’t answer why DD can’t have a trip without him though but I bet it will be ops excuse.

Yep I’m with your sister sounds like everything is about your DS. I feel so sorry for your DD

I think changing plans the last minute was a bit off. You should have stuck with the plans for the next day.

I think we need a bit more context. Has your son got special needs? Did you also ask your daughter what she wanted to do and run the list by her too ? At first glance it does look as though you prioritise what your son wants to do.

Irrelevant. There are 4 kids in this situation, as DSis said. No one child trumps all the others, regardless of additional needs.

Going no contact is a massive over reaction that indicates that you know your sister is right, deep down.

Which she is. Your daughter at 6, is very much old enough to have her own opinion on things she might like to do herself, meanwhile your son at 9 is very much too young for his opinion to dictate the plans of adults.

Is this a reverse? Or you really won't let DD go to theme parks because DS doesn't like them? That's bonkers, poor DD. I bet DS is not told he can't do something because DD wouldn't like it.

I wonder what happens if DS is told "no"? I'm going to put money on him throwing a tantrum, hence why OP is tiptoeing round him.

You have 4 children between you, why can't they pick a day out each and all the DC have to go on it?

Based on a single OP, which presumably is from your perspective, I agree with your sister. It sounds like it's all about DS.

Why can’t she take your DD to Alton Towers and you do something else with your DS.

When the plans were changed was your DD asked?

and is your DS difficult if things don’t go his way.

because I think your sister might have a point

As my Mum would say. ' Mothers and their sons'
Your poor dd missing out on Alton Towers as your son doesn't like theme parks. But she can go to his event.