Big argument with sister over DS

[GeordieInSunderland]

Sister and I have children very close in age. Our DS’s are 9, my DD is 6 and her DD is 7.

Every summer holidays we meet up weekly for a big day out. At the start of this holiday sister sent me a list of day out ideas. I replied “I’ll show DS and see what he thinks ☺️”. This one sentance was a huge mistake, taken way out of context and set the tone basically for the following weeks. She replied “Well last time I checked we had 4 kids between us, not just DS”. I responded saying I didn’t mean it like that! Just that I’d show him the list and get his thoughts.

Anyway, most weeks have gone well but last week we had arranged a day out to cinema and bowling however DS saw something different advertised and said he’d like to do that instead. I messaged sister and said “Do you mind if we change plans for tomorrow? There is something on in town I think they’d all like”. She replied “DS would like you mean? Well no sorry, sticking to plans already made”. Fair enough. She took her kids on planned day, I took mine to alternate activity.

Sister is now saying that DD was upset and told her she had been really upset at missing the day with her cousin and having to go to DS’s boring thing. I don’t believe DD said this as she appeared to enjoy it. Sister then asked DD if she wanted to go to Alton towers with her and her kids. I said no as DS doesn’t like theme parks and she snapped “I’m not asking him! I’m asking her! It’s not all about him!” DS was in ear shot and ended up crying. I’m fuming and have said we’ll just do our own thing for the remainder of the holidays. It has proper blown up where she has basically accused me of neglect.

AIBU to go NC for the remainder of the holidays?

Bloody hope this is a reverse!
If not OP is probably waiting for permission from her ds before she responds...

Why are you letting only DS decide?

Sister then asked DD if she wanted to go to Alton towers with her and her kids. I said no as DS doesn’t like theme parks and she snapped “I’m not asking him! I’m asking her! It’s not all about him!”

This does make it sound like your DS gets priority all the time tbh.

Would your DD like to go to Alton towers with her aunt and cousins?

Is your DS more opinionated than your DD? Could that be making you more likely to prioritise his wishes? For a very short time when my twin girls were 8ish I fell into a bad habit of not clocking that we tended to do what the loud, opinionated one wanted to do, and the quiet one that didn't like expressing a contrary opinion didn't get their wishes. Thankfully a close relative (who had had the same issue) very kindly pointed it out.

I was absolutely mortified, and I considered hiding from them for a while, but I pulled my big girl pants up, told them they were right and thanked them for pointing it out to me. From then on I made sure both of the kids got the opportunity to give their opinions fairly and equally.

I agree. So many on here, and OP and her sister, getting massively bent out of shape for something pretty minor.

Op seems to take her dcs choices and opinions into account. It sounds like her Dd doesn’t yet have strong opinions and Ds does so it makes sense.
If one of dcs don’t want to do a group activity and the others don’t have a strong opinion, we don’t do it. If someone really wants to do something and one doesn’t, then we do it without them.

If the sister is bringing it up, then she’s either over sensitive and holds a grudge, or she’s annoyed at a pattern of behaviour.

This!

Absolutely!! This is a one way ticket to creating sibling resentment.

by 6 my two were more than old enough to know what kind of day out they’d like

Is DS the eldest grandchild? It does sound a little like he is in control. Does your sister not get along with your DS? My sister always has an issue with anything my DD says or does but not my DS. Sometimes i think its a bit of jealousy.

In saying that this all sounds like a storm in a teacup. Take a bit of distance but I wouldn't go NC over it

Ah. Another mum with a golden child who insists she treats all her children equally.

My DH was the "other" kid and has carried that into adulthood.

Wish we still had the 😄 reaction.

The issue with that is if she grows up witnessing her Brothers views being the only ones listened to then she will think that’s normal so why say anything.

The aunt is of the belief that the daughter didn’t want to do the activity it was changed to. the OP has decided that the aunt is lying but perhaps the daughter just feels her aunt is more likely to listen.

Why couldn’t your dd go to Alton Towers?

You have a golden dc @GeordieInSunderland .

Doesn't body well for your dd.

I don’t understand why you even mentioned that your DS doesn’t like theme parks when it doesn’t sound like he was invited anyway?

If someone really wants to do something and one doesn’t, then we do it without them.

3 kids wanted to go to theme park. OP said her DD was not allowed to, because DS (who wasn't invited) doesn't like theme parks.

I agree with your sister, sorry. She sent you the list if activities for you both, as adults , to agree upon an activity. Not for your precious son to make a decision on. Why should your son have more of a say than her son who is also 9?! Is it because he'll break down in tears if he doesn't get his way? You shouldn't have cancelled the plans that were already made just because your precious son has decided he'd rather do something else. This would have been a good opportunity to teach your son a life lesson about honouring one's commitments, and not bailing on people bc you fancy something else. Tbh, I'd go LC with you if you were my sister! Poor girls and your nephew! Your sister is correct "it's not all about your DS" and it's about time he hears it from someone , bc clearly you are unable to teach him this as the adult.

Doubt op will be back but I’d love to know what activity was. I doubt it was something a 6 or 7 yr old girl would pick over bowling and cinema with her cousin.

Team Sister, here. Also Team DD (your DD, poor thing)

Guess op went nc with us as well 😂

I voted yabu but I think sister should have spoken privately not in front of your DS. Also inviting DD to AT without discussing with you first is rude , and trying to get DD to favour her over you is wrong.

🤣🤣🤣

some of these comments are golden. Bring back the 😆 reaction!!

Is this a reverse?

Tell us more about why only Ds’ preferences seem to matter. Why wouldn’t “you” say that you’ll discuss the list with your children (not son) and get back to her? Your post suggests that you favour ds over dd.

I can’t believe you changed plans on 24 hours notice ….really is rude.
i’m glad your sister called you out on it.
I think your sister has watched the oblivious favouritism to your ds, played over a period , which you seem oblivious too (or pretend to ) and is trying to take your dd feeling in consideration.
A consideration you seem to be lacking ….

For goodness sake if I went no contact with my late sister every time we had a slight argument or dispute we'd have never spoken.
You're two grown women. Talk it out and move on.