Big argument with sister over DS

[GeordieInSunderland]

Sister and I have children very close in age. Our DS’s are 9, my DD is 6 and her DD is 7.

Every summer holidays we meet up weekly for a big day out. At the start of this holiday sister sent me a list of day out ideas. I replied “I’ll show DS and see what he thinks ☺️”. This one sentance was a huge mistake, taken way out of context and set the tone basically for the following weeks. She replied “Well last time I checked we had 4 kids between us, not just DS”. I responded saying I didn’t mean it like that! Just that I’d show him the list and get his thoughts.

Anyway, most weeks have gone well but last week we had arranged a day out to cinema and bowling however DS saw something different advertised and said he’d like to do that instead. I messaged sister and said “Do you mind if we change plans for tomorrow? There is something on in town I think they’d all like”. She replied “DS would like you mean? Well no sorry, sticking to plans already made”. Fair enough. She took her kids on planned day, I took mine to alternate activity.

Sister is now saying that DD was upset and told her she had been really upset at missing the day with her cousin and having to go to DS’s boring thing. I don’t believe DD said this as she appeared to enjoy it. Sister then asked DD if she wanted to go to Alton towers with her and her kids. I said no as DS doesn’t like theme parks and she snapped “I’m not asking him! I’m asking her! It’s not all about him!” DS was in ear shot and ended up crying. I’m fuming and have said we’ll just do our own thing for the remainder of the holidays. It has proper blown up where she has basically accused me of neglect.

AIBU to go NC for the remainder of the holidays?

Exactly this

Your poor DD , I'm Team Sister

Sounds to me like dd has realised how unfair things have been up til now, and has decided to push back against you prioritising your ds, as is your dsis.

Son is definitely the golden child. I hope your daughter does not resent you later on. I feel sorry for your daughter and feel your are allowing your son to be entitled.
I fully understand your sisters frustration. I would feel the same.

Golden child springs to mind!

You’re unreasonable.

Team sister. I pity your daughter.

Call her up, apologise, let your DD go for a great day at a theme park.

Take your son somewhere else for the day.

Everyone has a good time.

There will be things that you still do together, but as the kids get older, their ages and personalities will mean that more and more often, they won't want to all be joined at the hip.

Non contact? Waaaaay too dramatic!

I totally agree with this. I have similar with my DSIL, if there is even a hint one of her kids won’t be 100% interested in every activity throughout the day then it gets vetoed. It might be a shock for the kids when they don’t always get to be the main priority in adult life.

It’s absolutely no joke.
My dh was actually Golden Child.

(he loves his brother and sister by the way).
Fast forward 50 odd years

His sister went no contact
My dh is very low contact
And the others brother was run ragged and is marriage / relationship is in the toilet.
I hope your dh has been able to move on from it all..,@DashboardConfession

So you made plans and then let a 9 year old force them to be changed? How is this even remotely your sister’s issue? As for going NC, I dread to think how you’ll react when you have an actual problem to deal with.

NC for the rest of the holidays?! Come on. Get a grip. Have a chat and get over it. People have no idea how lucky they are to have family they are close to and especially lucky to have siblings with children the same age as your own. It’s really a special thing.

Nah - this is you @GeordieInSunderland

You have some sort of "DS blindness" going on. It's lucky it's your sister.

Reading between the lines here your DS likes different activities to other kids and maybe gives you a hard time if he has to do activities he doesn’t want to do. DD is perhaps more easy going and is happy to fit in with everyone else. Maybe without realising it and head off drama with your DS you are prioritising him too much to the detriment of your DD and your sister is picking up on it.

I wouldn’t be annoyed that you wanted to run the list by your DS but if you have form maybe your sister thought it was the precursor to your DS choosing alternative activities for everyone and each outing. I think for days out with cousins you have to tell your kids it’s not the activities that are important but the socialising and having fun with cousins which is a special relationship for kids and is different to days out with school friends.

I wonder if OP is also the golden child? She's repeating the family behaviours she is used to with her own children, and expecting to get everything exactly the way she wants.

Going NC (in this case, known as "the silent treatment"; she seems to not understand what NC actually is - not something you do for 2 weeks FFS) is exactly the sort of thing that such a parent would do.

In the nicest possible way I think you’ve both been twits, thoughtless and/or over-reacting. If you want to continue this arrangement, sounds like you and your sister could do with some calm communication, away from all the children, regarding what’s important to you, and any parameters either of you want to set.

Reading between the lines, it seems like you think your daughter at 6 is too young to have an opinion or input into activities but your son at 9 isn’t.

i also imagine that this is a bit of the straw that broke the camels back for your sister when you 1st replied as you did. And that you without realising it, often seem to position it as your son has final approval on activities.

of course I could be wrong but have a think about it and see if that hits a nerve.

I think your sister took your first message out of context. You haven’t helped by saying I’ll ask ds. You can make a decision without his input this is what has annoyed your sister. But she was equally unreasonable when she made your ds cry. It sounds like you both need some space from each other. It’s easy to forget the younger sibling has an opinion as they get older it’s important to involve them,

@Notmyreality

This is a horrible parenting strategy. DS is "old enough that he can ruin the day so getting his agreement upfront is a smart move".

WHAT? Ma'am - these are children who are not paying for or facilitating these treat days out. The parents get to decide what the itinerary is, taking into account all the needs and interests of ALL the children.

Secondly, at 6 my DD was very articulate and sure of her interests and as a part of recognising her as a valid and valued member of the family, her wants/wishes were also be taken into consideration.

Thirdly, DSis also has a 7 year old girl so everything needs to be balanced for all of the children.

I hope you just typed in haste because if this is how you treat your kids, you are setting up a "golden child" scenario and they may be on the Stately Homes thread in future. I think you need to re-visit your thought process.

One whiny, spoilt 9 year old doesn't get to dictate what everyone does all summer. That's a recipe for disaster and not just over the summer.

Wow! Why is it only ds you ask?
Let dd go with her cousins if she wants and you and your obvious favourite can do what he wants

Yabu here, you don't check with a kid what they want to do, without involving the other one - and you don't change plans at the whim of a 9 year old

Could not agree more. It’s the solution for half of AIBU and the relationships board. No wonder so many people are lonely if that’s how we are dealing with disagreements.

Yabu, why should your dd miss out on Alton Towers because her brother doesn't like it. Why did you only ask him and why should all plans change for him. There definitely seems a bit of favouritism going on here and that would piss me off too. It sounds like he's been given golden boy status.

Also, she’s the adult. Kids don’t always have to dictate what happens.

No chance OP is coming back.

Don’t be so ridiculous. Going nc indeed It’s a disagreement with your sister. You’ll both get over it. In the meantime stop prioritising your ds over your dd. He’ll start to think he’s the favourite, the golden boy, and we all know where that leads.