Big argument with sister over DS

[GeordieInSunderland]

Sister and I have children very close in age. Our DS’s are 9, my DD is 6 and her DD is 7.

Every summer holidays we meet up weekly for a big day out. At the start of this holiday sister sent me a list of day out ideas. I replied “I’ll show DS and see what he thinks ☺️”. This one sentance was a huge mistake, taken way out of context and set the tone basically for the following weeks. She replied “Well last time I checked we had 4 kids between us, not just DS”. I responded saying I didn’t mean it like that! Just that I’d show him the list and get his thoughts.

Anyway, most weeks have gone well but last week we had arranged a day out to cinema and bowling however DS saw something different advertised and said he’d like to do that instead. I messaged sister and said “Do you mind if we change plans for tomorrow? There is something on in town I think they’d all like”. She replied “DS would like you mean? Well no sorry, sticking to plans already made”. Fair enough. She took her kids on planned day, I took mine to alternate activity.

Sister is now saying that DD was upset and told her she had been really upset at missing the day with her cousin and having to go to DS’s boring thing. I don’t believe DD said this as she appeared to enjoy it. Sister then asked DD if she wanted to go to Alton towers with her and her kids. I said no as DS doesn’t like theme parks and she snapped “I’m not asking him! I’m asking her! It’s not all about him!” DS was in ear shot and ended up crying. I’m fuming and have said we’ll just do our own thing for the remainder of the holidays. It has proper blown up where she has basically accused me of neglect.

AIBU to go NC for the remainder of the holidays?

It's not fair on the kids to go no contact and stopping your daughter going to a theme park is unfair just because her brother doesn't enjoy them.
They will grow up wanting to do different things and like different things ... just be fair to both.

I’d suggest you run it past your DS if you should go NC 😂😂

YA sooo BU !!!

It was very rude to do this: “Do you mind if we change plans for tomorrow? There is something on in town I think they’d all like”.

You should have taken DS to the other thing another time. How did he find out about it anyway, he doesn’t have a phone at 9 does he?!

And yes a blanket no to your DD going to a theme park because of her brother is well out of order!!

How petty are you, you clearly are prioritising your son above the rest of the kids. Is he your golden child?

Throw away what has clearly been a great relationship by going NC "for reminder of holidays"?? And who decides it's just remainder, what I'd your sister keeps it going as she's hurt you would just drop her and her kids like that then pick them up again when you feel it's blown over?

Its fine for your son to see something else to do but did you ask your DD first if she wanted to do it before texting your sister the day before to change plans? Not exactly much notice to change kids plans, it's easy to if your kid wants the change but hers were looking forward to cinema.

The theme park comment was wierd, why say no hevause your son doesn't like them, surely it's great to have a sister who will take your DD, I'd kill for that for my child! The kids are older and having their own opinions, time to accept they won't always spend time together as a foursome.

Next time ask your DD too, DS is eldest but doesn't meant he's the only one with any agency and his needs don't trump his sisters.

I’m with your sister. It seems you favour your son. If I had plans and my child wanted to change I’d explain the importance of our responsibilities to those we care for.
I feel for your daughter

I think its odd you said DS not DC. Why were you only asking his thoughts on the activities?

I think your sister has a point in that you had made plans for 4 DC and you two and because DSis wanted to commit to her plans to her DC you changed yours last min because DS changed his mind.

You say DD "seemed" to enjoy the activity. Didn't you ask?

And DSis was making plans your DD would like so invited her. I dont know why if DS doesnt like alton towers you couldnt let DD go with her aunt.

I wouldnt like the apparent favouritism and I wouldnt like that you cancelled plans, upsetting 3 out 4 children.

Im with Dsis

Yes you’d annoy the crap out of me. It’s not all about your son.

Also going NC is such an overreaction. You seem bit weird to be honest.

Both of you sound ridiculous to be honest.

The way this was written makes me think... Wind up.

Unless you provide further context or a massive dripfeed then it does appear that your ds takes priority and that isn't fair. It was also rude to cancel plans at short notice just because he preferred to do something different. Did you even ask your dd if she would rather have gone out with her cousins instead? Why wouldn't that have been an option?

You also need to work on your conflict resolution skills because going nc over this is ridiculous. She's pointing out and quite rightfully so that for whatever reason one of your child's preferences are more considered than the other. You might not like to have that pointed out but it doesn't make it any less true.

At no point do you mention what DD likes. And the fact you deprived her of a visit to Alton Towers because your DS wouldn't like it says a lot. Why couldn't she go without him?

I'm surprised to see so many posts when the OP has posted nothing further than the OP....

I agree.

Now it could be that your Sis is a bit of a bossy boots and has got your back up..and that's an ongoing dynamic between you both and so fair enough, she's annoyed you and been a bit judgemental.. but is it worth going NC and stopping the DCs from getting together?

I can understand that if you have a gap in age between your DCs then its often the older one who speaks up more..

When you said You'd check and see what DS thinks before committing.. I know it just popped out but it did sound to me that you were, unconsciously taking away some of your own power of decision making and referring too much to him. Maybe that is something that you've been brought up to do.. to put others first all the time.

It might be that you were both brought up to not get that you could have a disagreement, discuss it, resolve it and move on happily ( I don't think I was either, but I'm rebelling against it when I see it happening). I don't think its backing down to offer an olive branch, but put your point across but still remain on good terms. I guess you feel she's criticised your parenting, but I don't think that's what she was getting at and ultimately It's not really a hill to die on.

but when I started reading your post I thought how lovely that you have children of the same age and you both want to take them out on a big day out in the Summer hols every week. You are very lucky to have that and its the kind of thing that really makes happy memories for children. You both sound like really nice mums. Kiss and make up?

I have two autistic children (both have learning disabilities as well) - they still have to compromise. Occasionally, there will be things that my children just can't go to (far too noisy, busy etc) and it would be too dangerous - in which case if one of the children can go, we make sure they go or we'll just be up front "really sorry, we just can't do that because of xyz, let's meet up another time". Normally, take theme parks, there's at least some part most children will enjoy.

It doesn't feel like OP's DS cannot cope with certain outings - the cinema and bowling is a prime example of that - it was agreed and booked in advance.

I feel awful for OP's DD :/

AIBU to go NC for the remainder of the holidays?

Yes. It would be an over-reaction even if you were totally in the right.

Since you're 💯% in the wrong and your sister has got your number good and proper, that makes you even more unreasonable.

I posted because it's trending on the sidebar. I imagine that's responsible for most new contributions at this stage.

Agree.

DS got to do his preferred thing and then DD was prevented from going to AT because DS doesn't like it.

I'm team sister here and I think you need to ask yourself if you ever run suggestions past DD or tell DS no, he can't do something because DD wouldn't enjoy it.

Is your sister your younger sister? I suspect she feels an affinity to your DD based on your own childhood.

I feel waves of sympathy for this poor child (if she exists) and I'm no relation whatsoever.

Unless there’s something you’re not telling us, both you and your DS sound like a pain in the arse!

Tbh I have my doubts whether this is even real!

I can see your sisters point here. Your concern seems to be your ds and nothing else. Why should a group of people have to change plans because your ds fancied something else? Just say no.

Step up, parent him and teach him to consider other people around him and to stick to plans. I have worked with kids whose "parents" cater to their every whim and they grow up expecting everyone else to do that so are very unprepared for life. I have met adults whose parents still so this and they are horribly entitled people that don't function well in society. Where does your dd fit into this? I can't see anything in your post which shows she has even been considered.

Firstly A 6yo can definitely have a valid opinion on a day out and her feelings and wants should not be ignore just because she has an older sibling and secondly you obviously didn’t read the post as OPs sister also has a 9 yo son who seems to be going along with what his parent has planned. Why dose OPs 9yo get to dictate and veto plans and Sisters son not?