Big argument with sister over DS

[GeordieInSunderland]

Sister and I have children very close in age. Our DS’s are 9, my DD is 6 and her DD is 7.

Every summer holidays we meet up weekly for a big day out. At the start of this holiday sister sent me a list of day out ideas. I replied “I’ll show DS and see what he thinks ☺️”. This one sentance was a huge mistake, taken way out of context and set the tone basically for the following weeks. She replied “Well last time I checked we had 4 kids between us, not just DS”. I responded saying I didn’t mean it like that! Just that I’d show him the list and get his thoughts.

Anyway, most weeks have gone well but last week we had arranged a day out to cinema and bowling however DS saw something different advertised and said he’d like to do that instead. I messaged sister and said “Do you mind if we change plans for tomorrow? There is something on in town I think they’d all like”. She replied “DS would like you mean? Well no sorry, sticking to plans already made”. Fair enough. She took her kids on planned day, I took mine to alternate activity.

Sister is now saying that DD was upset and told her she had been really upset at missing the day with her cousin and having to go to DS’s boring thing. I don’t believe DD said this as she appeared to enjoy it. Sister then asked DD if she wanted to go to Alton towers with her and her kids. I said no as DS doesn’t like theme parks and she snapped “I’m not asking him! I’m asking her! It’s not all about him!” DS was in ear shot and ended up crying. I’m fuming and have said we’ll just do our own thing for the remainder of the holidays. It has proper blown up where she has basically accused me of neglect.

AIBU to go NC for the remainder of the holidays?

I'm also with your sister on this one.
I mean, dd was invited to Alton towers with her auntie and cousins and your answer was no because ds doesn't like theme parks . Ds wasn't invited! Because he doesn't like theme parks!
Very unfair on your dd if she's not allowed to do something she'd enjoy just because ds doesn't like it.

You've given your DS vetoing rights, yet no one else should have a say?

He must be "the golden child" and everyone else his subjects.

Each child should have had one week to pick what they wanted everyone to do. Your DD will start taking notice, if she hasn't already.

Absolutely !

Just from your post here it comes across as prioritising ds. If she spends time with you she perhaps sees it happen a lot.
I think you were rude to change plans last minute. It sounds like you have a system of weekly trips. Everyone knows plan and looking forward to it and instead you change last minute. So her dd misses a day with her cousin. Your dd may have preferred original trip to one you took her on, did you ask her.
I also don’t see what your son not liking theme parks has to do with them inviting her to Alton towers. It’s a shame if she can’t go just with cousins because he isn’t a fan. If you all need to go for logistics then he could suck it up one day, same as she had to on trip she didn’t want to go on.

I disagree with the majority here because DS is 9 and Dd is 6. DS is old enough to have a valid opinion and also old enough that if he doesn’t want to do something he can ruin the day so getting his agreement up front is a smart move. A 6yo I wouldn’t ask at all as quite frankly I know better. When dd is older i would start involving her in decisions.

Seems like a natural evolution of the arrangement as the kids get older. DSis with only one younger kid needs to recognize that
thing change.

I can actually believe that DD had preferred to do the activity with her cousin rather than the activity her brother chose. I am also seeing a bias towards his wishes being met and your DD's being largely ignored.

You should be ringing your sister to apologise and ask her if she would be so good as to take your DD on the fun outing to AT with her cousins that she would really enjoy, you'd be pleased that DD would enjoy herself and have a good day.

My DB1 and his son are both my mother's favourites. It's been obvious over the years and it stinks. It's really harmful to relationships to favour one child over others. It looks like you favour your DS and your sister has noticed and been annoyed at the harm to your DD.

A 6 year old is plenty old enough to have the choice of cinema with her aunt or whatever activity her brother wanted instead. She is also plenty old engine to go to a theme park her aunt since her brother doesn’t like it. But she isn’t allowed because all must bow down to the word of the boy, apparently.

What does your DD want to do @GeordieInSunderland ? (Although I'm not the first to ask, you haven't actually replied yet!)

Wow projecting much? So this now about boys vs girls? Perhaps she should LTB and get therapy?

DD is also old enough to have a valid opinion.
And DS is old enough to understand that sometimes you have to spend days doing things that might not have been your first choice because other people want to to them.
Not doing something because DS might ruin the day is lazy parenting, and not fair to the other children involved. And not allowing DD to do something, because DS doesn't like it even though he wouldn't have to come, is absolutely ridiculous.

@Notmyreality I think that’s unfair on your younger dc. It reads as if you pander to him to stop him kicking off. The 6 yr old deserves to have some say. She’s old enough to say if she’d prefer to go to zoo with cousin as planned etc.

@Notmyreality I’m fairly confident that the vast majority of adults know better than any 9 year old and are capable of parenting adeptly enough that a 9 year old child isn’t able to ruin a day out, irrespective of whether they got their own way or not.

🔔🔔🔔🔔 Golden child alert!!!! 🔔🔔🔔🔔

What a drama over nothing. Why didn’t you ask BOTH your children what they thought instead of just one? From your post it appears you DO favour your DS especially not allowing your DD to go with her aunt and cousins to a theme park simply because your DS doesn’t like theme parks. When is she ever going to get to go and enjoy a theme park? How selfish on your part. My sisters and brothers had children and they all liked different things, as an aunt I often took some of my nieces and nephews and not others because they wouldn’t have enjoyed a particular activity we were going to. If I was your sister I’d be having a serious word too, I feel sorry for your DD tbh.

It really does sound like it’s all about your son. This is coming from a place of 9 years of your DS being our first, it hasn’t sprung from nowhere

Your poor DD. When do you all get to do what she wants?? Even if your DS isn’t crazy for the activity, that’s life and I’m afraid that sometimes kids have to go out on days out they wouldn’t pick themselves. It’s good for them to do that - get outside their comfort zone and be selfless

The impression given from your OP is that you give more weight to your DS’s preferences than anyone else’s and obviously your sister feels this is the case too. I can see why that may be frustrating, if it’s an ongoing pattern. Does your DD ever get a say in that you’re doing?

DSis with only one younger kid needs to recognize that thing change.

according to OP; DSis also has a 9yo son. Her son was not prioritised over other 3 kids though.

So they can never do anything without prior approval from the boy, in case he kicks off? What nonsense and what terrible parenting you're recommending

Justice for OP’s DD - she MUST be allowed to go to Alton Towers.

Be honest OP, was it a boring thing your DS dragged everyone along to?

No, it’s about OP’s daughter vs OP’s son. The OP’s sister, who has seen it all and knows a lot more than we do, has noticed how much the OP favours her son.

These aren’t people who don’t like each other. They planned to spend the summer doing lots of things together. That means they are close, their families are close. Which adds even more weight to the sister’s opinion.

They have a close relationship, they choose to spend a lot of time together, these are families who get on well. Not people who hate each other and fight all the time. The sister has seen OP ignore her daughter and favour her son, and even used the world neglect. She might not be totally correct, but she defo let saw something. Given the way the OP came across, it seems very much like the sister is onto something and the OP is putting boy ahead of girl.

I have a 6 year old, and he’s perfectly old enough to express a preference about what activities we do in the holidays. I also have tweens who are well behaved enough to not ruin a day just because it’s their first choice of activity.

I'm not sure why you're ignoring your DD's wishes, but you clearly don't perceive her to have an equal input to your DS. It is genuinely confusing why you wouldn't be going through the list with both kids as well as adding some ideas of your own. With those ages, I'd also be thinking about some days all together, some where one of you take the eldest and the other the youngest, etc. No idea why she can't take your DD to Alton Towers either, she's your sister! I think you need to take some deep breaths, apologise to your DD and your sister, then in future involve everyone in the planning.

The 6-year-old is also old enough to have a valid opinion. And the sister invited her to the theme park without him, and OP still said no. She clearly prefers her son to her daughter.

What do you mean the "sister with only one younger kid?" The sister and OP each have a 9-year-old son, the sister has a 7-year-old daughter, and OP has a 6-year-old daughter. Yet only the OP's son seems to be the one being pandered to.

Your poor DD.

Hmm, I would have a think and see if there’s a possibility your DSis may be right.

If she’s the sort of person you make weekly plans with, you must be close. It seems odd that she’d just come up with the whole idea that you favour your DS from nowhere? It sounds like it was something she was already aware of and you’ve highlighted it with your approach to activities. In fact, you have not disputed that 1) you said you would check activities only with your DS and 2) DD couldn’t do something if DS didn’t like it, which does sound like favouritism.

Unfortunately, also suggesting that you might go NC with your sister over this does not paint you in a reasonable light either.