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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband is obese - AIBU to address this?

205 replies

primrose81 · 23/08/2025 17:44

Hi, I’m posting here because I’m finding it hard to talk about this in ‘real life’.

My DH, nearly 50, is a wonderful man. He is truly pretty much perfect - so kind, generous, patient, clever, sensitive, high-achieving, clever. People adore him. There are so many reasons we are married - he is great company and a fantastic father.

However, he is also obese. He was overweight when we met, and is a big man anyway - tall, heavy set, broad. Over the years he has put on more weight.

For context, I’m very slim, spend a lot of time on exercise / fitness. (I’m not trying to stealth boast, there is quite a contrast between us.) I’m also a bit younger (by 6 years, so not loads)

I’m feeling really exasperated by him - it feels like he just isn’t trying to address his weight at all. He tries diets and then drops them, likewise for exercise. I know he doesn’t like his body but also he is usually just very genial / relaxed / quite confident & seems to turn a blind eye to his weight.

Money is not an issue - we are well-off. He could afford a PT, diet plan etc.

He is really close with our teenage girls - to be honest I would say he is a better parent than me - they love him, but I also know they worry about his weight a bit too. Physically they are very similar to me & also I think they can both be a bit anxious about weight / food etc, I feel like this might be linked to both of us.

I try to address the issue with him but he can be quite evasive - he is sensitive and I know it doesn’t make him feel great. I don’t know what to do anymore - it’s starting to feel like a really significant issue for me but I also feel like I’m being really mean because he is so kind.

OP posts:
Returnofjude · 23/08/2025 17:46

Do you eat together?

who does the cooking?

Original poster
primrose81 · 23/08/2025 17:49

Returnofjude · 23/08/2025 17:46

Do you eat together?

who does the cooking?

We do try to eat together, and usually eat dinner together, about 4 times a week - both of us have work / social events quite often. Cooking is equally split and we also have a part-time housekeeper who cooks a couple of times a week (I know but it works for us). However, he does also travel quite frequently for his (freelance) work - will be away for a couple of weeks at a time , around 8 times a year, and he says he struggles more with eating healthily then.

OP posts:
BeaSure · 23/08/2025 17:51

I'd tell him. It's the loving thing to do.

Original poster
primrose81 · 23/08/2025 17:51

Returnofjude · 23/08/2025 17:46

Do you eat together?

who does the cooking?

Also, when I cook it’s very healthy - I try to make balanced meals like a vegetable curry etc - but if I go ‘too’ healthy I think he tends to go off and eat/ snack more.

OP posts:
Returnofjude · 23/08/2025 17:53

So you eat together a LOT

yes… I imagine he’s binging on junk whilst he’s away

have you never raised this before with him? Has this been a slow creep or suddenly got worse?

how obese are we talking here?

Returnofjude · 23/08/2025 17:55

also feel like I’m being really mean because he is so kind.

what does him being kind have anything to do with it op? You think you’d have been able to express your concern re his health if he was unkind?

PinkZebraStripes · 23/08/2025 17:56

The issue is the problems it's storing up for the future. I wouldn't say go on a drastic diet as they never work but think gradually you need to nudge things back. Has he had a health check on cholesterol etc.

Original poster
primrose81 · 23/08/2025 17:59

Returnofjude · 23/08/2025 17:53

So you eat together a LOT

yes… I imagine he’s binging on junk whilst he’s away

have you never raised this before with him? Has this been a slow creep or suddenly got worse?

how obese are we talking here?

I have raised this with him. I definitely haven’t managed this perfectly; I know I can be quite blunt / direct .

When we got together, and he was overweight, he was more self-conscious about the contrast between us, and I didn’t mind as much. Over the years however he has put on more weight quite steadily. I don’t know exactly how much he weighs because he doesn’t want to update me - however I know he is at least BMI 33, probably a bit more.

OP posts:
Womanofcustard · 23/08/2025 17:59

He needs to tackle this before he’s 60, when all the co-morbidities kick in.
if he was really kind, he wouldn’t inflict that on you.
speaking from sad experience

Returnofjude · 23/08/2025 18:02

Sorry - so you have already overcome the worry with him being too kind for you to raise with him?

And…. What did you say and he say?

AbzMoz · 23/08/2025 18:02

Has he ever had a full body health check? Maybe as you’re approaching 50 worth taking a closer look as anything you do younger will stand you in better stead for the future.
(I’ve just had one at Bupa - I knew I was going to be overweight after an ongoing health issue has meant I couldn’t exercise for several months, but was reassured by the other indicators and the clear follow up plan was v helpful)

Ive also had a travelling job in the past and it is hard but need some discipline around which meals are healthy - eg breakfast on the road is only ever yogurt, oats and fruits; either lunch OR dinner can be indulgent etc. It’s v v hard though.

Returnofjude · 23/08/2025 18:02

Do you still have sex?

EveryDayisFriday · 23/08/2025 18:05

As someone who is an emotional eater, approach this with caution. Even kind words could be taken the wrong way. He needs to find the root cause of his weight gain and find the discipline to work on it everyday. Naturally slim and active people with no eating disorders don't understand how overweight people think.

Ultimately it's down to him to reach out for help, you can't push him into a healthy lifestyle.

Original poster
primrose81 · 23/08/2025 18:08

Returnofjude · 23/08/2025 17:55

also feel like I’m being really mean because he is so kind.

what does him being kind have anything to do with it op? You think you’d have been able to express your concern re his health if he was unkind?

I’m wary of saying this on MN because it isn’t great, but - as a person I know I can be quite judgemental / a bit impatient etc. I’m not an awful person but I know I am not the most endlessly patient warm person! I’m not being unfairly self-critical, I feel fine in myself, I’m just aware of this. By contrast, my DH is just really lovely - very charming, funny, kind. I think these conversations about weight really exacerbate / reflect our personality differences too - I can’t think of a time when he has criticised me. He’s not a pushover, he has been successful and is confident in many ways, but he is just much much more tolerant and patient than I am. That was a bit of a word-splurge but hope it makes sense!

OP posts:
Original poster
primrose81 · 23/08/2025 18:12

primrose81 · 23/08/2025 18:08

I’m wary of saying this on MN because it isn’t great, but - as a person I know I can be quite judgemental / a bit impatient etc. I’m not an awful person but I know I am not the most endlessly patient warm person! I’m not being unfairly self-critical, I feel fine in myself, I’m just aware of this. By contrast, my DH is just really lovely - very charming, funny, kind. I think these conversations about weight really exacerbate / reflect our personality differences too - I can’t think of a time when he has criticised me. He’s not a pushover, he has been successful and is confident in many ways, but he is just much much more tolerant and patient than I am. That was a bit of a word-splurge but hope it makes sense!

Show quote history

And I know that when I feel frustrated by him, I can be sharp or say something I regret later on, which I know doesn’t help

OP posts:
User14March · 23/08/2025 18:12

GLPs will be a game changer. Is he in a high stress job?

Gymrabbit · 23/08/2025 18:14

Bmi of 33 is obese but isn’t enormous.
Can he exercise, run, play games with your kids?
my BMI probably isn’t far below that and I can run 5k, play sport and have very good blood pressure.
that sort of thing is more important than what the scales say in my opinion.

Returnofjude · 23/08/2025 18:14

So what happened the last time you addressed it Op? Did it all go a bit… south?

Returnofjude · 23/08/2025 18:16

& also I think they can both be a bit anxious about weight / food et

do you mean you are worried about your daughters anxieties around weight / food in terms of low weight and restricting?

chatgptsbestmate · 23/08/2025 18:17

Thing is.....he has to WANT to be healthy. Perhaps he has an eating disorder. Rather like being an alcoholic, the addict has to actively choose to change

You being blunt/direct/judgemental....probably won't make a difference. You might even push him to eat more

Do you think your daughters would talk to him and explain how worried they are about his health and suggest ways to reduce his BMI to 25?

Original poster
primrose81 · 23/08/2025 18:21

Returnofjude · 23/08/2025 18:02

Do you still have sex?

This is also a tension between us - it has been infrequent for the past 6-8 years or so, but we do still have sex . I haven’t been as interested - partly the weight, partly my libido has fallen somewhat since I had our children. I do feel really intimate with him in other ways - we are still physically affectionate etc.

I know this is awful & also aware this is drip-feeding, and will likely turn people away from giving any advice etc, but I had an affair a couple of years ago. We’ve come through the other side and we do want to stay married, and we love each other, but the weight frustration is still an issue.

I know this is far from perfect. I’m just trying to describe my situation.

OP posts:
chatgptsbestmate · 23/08/2025 18:22

Did you have an affair because your husband is overweight?

Returnofjude · 23/08/2025 18:22

ok so there’s a LOT going on in this family including two teenage girls with potentially eating disorders on the horizon

I think his weight is probs tip of iceberg

Returnofjude · 23/08/2025 18:23

Did his weight increase sharply post affair?

Catsandcannedbeans · 23/08/2025 18:24

Yes I would have told him. My DH never got fat, but did get a bit chubby after our second child. He’s tall and he has always said I should tell him if I start to find him unattractive. I didn’t find him unattractive, but I was worried because of the way he was eating. It was out of character for him to emotionally eat and that freaked me out. He was just stressed by the jump from one to two kids and didn’t really know how to talk about it. I’m so glad we had that talk! We started going to the gym together (we did this when we first met before kids) and it was great fun.

At 50, he’s really playing with fire being obese and he needs to sort it for your sake and your daughters. You don’t want to be his carer and you don’t want them to lose their dad young. I can’t really give you advice on exactly how to broach it - because I don’t know your husband, but you definitely should. Just come from a place of kindness and compassion and I’m sure you’ll be fine.

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