Husband is obese - AIBU to address this?

[primrose81]

Hi, I’m posting here because I’m finding it hard to talk about this in ‘real life’.

My DH, nearly 50, is a wonderful man. He is truly pretty much perfect - so kind, generous, patient, clever, sensitive, high-achieving, clever. People adore him. There are so many reasons we are married - he is great company and a fantastic father.

However, he is also obese. He was overweight when we met, and is a big man anyway - tall, heavy set, broad. Over the years he has put on more weight.

For context, I’m very slim, spend a lot of time on exercise / fitness. (I’m not trying to stealth boast, there is quite a contrast between us.) I’m also a bit younger (by 6 years, so not loads)

I’m feeling really exasperated by him - it feels like he just isn’t trying to address his weight at all. He tries diets and then drops them, likewise for exercise. I know he doesn’t like his body but also he is usually just very genial / relaxed / quite confident & seems to turn a blind eye to his weight.

Money is not an issue - we are well-off. He could afford a PT, diet plan etc.

He is really close with our teenage girls - to be honest I would say he is a better parent than me - they love him, but I also know they worry about his weight a bit too. Physically they are very similar to me & also I think they can both be a bit anxious about weight / food etc, I feel like this might be linked to both of us.

I try to address the issue with him but he can be quite evasive - he is sensitive and I know it doesn’t make him feel great. I don’t know what to do anymore - it’s starting to feel like a really significant issue for me but I also feel like I’m being really mean because he is so kind.

What age are you? Wondering as your username has a 95? 1995?
OP's DH being older would suffer more and be less likely to run around.

OP, I don't think it is just his weight, sounds like the relationship is over, you had an affair, you're with him for emotional security.
Being a lovely man isn't enough, if you're not in love. Move on, let him find someone else.

But does it say “my mind is constantly blown by life?”

because it is not

Why does it blow your mind?

Everyone has preferences and makes choices therefore they "mind" about all sorts of things. Why does a person making choices and having preferences and "minding" about things, blow YOUR mind

I'd rather not watch my husband get fatter and fatter because he chooses not to exercise and he chooses to overeat and then watch him have a stroke or a heart attack and potentially become so disabled that he needs carers or he needs to go into a nursing home

Yes, I "mind" what the fuck he chooses to do.

I do hope your mind has reassembled itself after reading the above and hasn't imploded beyond repair 🙄

Mumsnet is insane i swear to God. The excuses that are made here to defend the actions of some women are laughable. If a man dared to come on here and said he had an affair with a slimmer fitter woman because his wife packed on a few pounds , he would be torn apart. Your husband isn't even that big op you sound like you have massive body image issues and I think you should back off and leave your poor husband alone . You are lucky he even forgave you he must have been devastated no wonder he eats a few treats every now and then ! I can't get over your cheek if im honest

Do you two not understand hyperbole and its use in the English language?!

and yes, I can’t begin to imagine my partner being so vain as to walk away from our relationship if I gained enough weight to tip into obesity, not even taking into account if it was likely trauma related caused by his actions

@Bambamhoohoo I think it’s because as we get into our 50’s, we start to see small health problems creeping in such as higher blood pressure, higher cholesterol, aches and pains, etc. and we get worried.

My DH (52) is overweight and it concerns me. He’s active and pretty good health-wise right now, but I wish he’d lose a few pounds. I can’t make him though. 🤷

No one understands “hyperbole” quite like @Bambamhoohoo 😆

Walk away from the marriage?

This is what you said It blows my mind that anyone would “mind” if their partner was obese.

You can see these problems- obesity increases the risk of them- but quite frankly everyone’s body starts to wear out as we age and all sorts of health issues can surface anyway.

So why not just pile on the pounds and stuff your face?!

I have no problem with you stuffing your face, go for it.

🤤

I have nothing but sympathy for you OP. I say that as someone who's been obese (for most of my life) and suffers from binge eating disorder and as a fellow can-be-a-sharp-judgemental-and-impatient-wife-who's-married-to-a-lovely-kind-man girl.

Has your DH tried all the different GLP1s? If not, it's definitely worth swapping around to see if one works better than another. I know it's become the latest MN cliche, but Mounjaro has quite literally changed my life. Even setting aside the 3 stone weight loss and the fact I'm a size 10-12 at almost 50 (never, ever, thought I'd see that dress size again), the way Mounjaro has reset my relationship with food is just mind-blowing. I'm no longer controlled by food and it's been insanely liberating.

If he has tried all the currently available GLP1s, there's a new one coming out soon that works on 3 different receptors - Ozempic works on one, Mounjaro on two.

But he needs to want it, even with the meds. I have a friend who had easily twice as much weight to lose as me. We started Mounjaro at the same time and I've lost about 25% more than she has - at her weight, she should be out-losing me. Her diet remains shit. Almond croissant and full sugar lucozade for breakfast. Yes, it's better than her previous fully loaded breakfast baguette and full fat latte from the hot food counter but it's still shit.

I focus on protein and loads of it - sounds like that would also help your DH if he struggles more when you cook "too healthy" - chicken curry with half meat, half veg will be so much more filling for him than veg curry. If he likes mushrooms, they're AMAZING in a chicken curry and insanely nutritious too.

Don't give up on him - rather than confronting him about his weight, ask him how you can support him to be as healthy as he can be. Talk about what foods he loves and find ways to make them nutrient and protein dense. There are loads of amazing fitness coaches on SM. My favourites are Sean Casey and Matt West. I also love Tasty Shreds on insta. Tasty Shreds in particular has lots of (tongue in cheek but still helpful) suggestions for putting your other half in a calorie deficit without them knowing it!

Also agree with this.

My understanding is that the OPs husband won't talk about his weight, won't deal with his weight....won't get or accept help.

Has his weight increased because the OP had an affair? I expect so.

But I'm not talking vanity. I'm talking health. Life and death type of health

Hyperbolic, eh? 🙄😬

I’d tell him how it’s making you feel. Could you involve him in some of your exercise? DH and I go on walks with the DC or out on the bikes and it’s great exercise for us all. DH and I also take part in crossfit classes at the gym on days/evenings when the DC are with the GP’s etc.

Well it sounds like he has an eating disorder - overeating as a way to deal with stress I imagine. So just dieting is unlikely to work, he needs some sort of therapeutics intervention as well as the PTs

There’s nothing wrong with talking to him about it, but you need to acknowledge it as an eating disorder than isn’t an easy fix, and don’t go on about it - he does know he’s overweight. Reducing work would probably help, so chip away at that. And whether he wants to tackle the weight or not, encourage him to exercise, it will improve his health regardless. Would he consider a sympathetic PT?

You aren’t attracted to him - is that at all or not much? You can fix him so you have to think about what you do and do not want for your future, it sounds like you both have plenty of money and interests, so if it came to separation you would be fine.

I would turn your attention to your daughters’ anxiety and food issues a bit, that sounds a bit worrying.

@Bambamhoohoo Yes, but some health issues can be delayed/staved off if we take care of ourselves. When you love someone, you want them to stay healthy for as long as possible, not develop something nasty like Type 2 diabetes in their 50’s or 60’s, for example.

I was fat for 30 years and tried every diet going I just could not or did not have the willpower.
I just lost 5 stone on mounjaro. it absolutely kills your appetite if you are a binger.
If money is not an object why don't you suggest it and tell him you love him whatever but you are terrified of losing him too early.

The best thing you could do for your family is to model healthy attitudes to fitness - ie a balance, not one that drives your DD’s to be anxious.

Your poor husband knows he’s big, and unless he’s an emotional wasteland he knows it bothers you, and that on its own, before even considering the effects of your affair, is enough to provide the mental turmoil that keeps an emotional eater eating.

Maybe the way forwards is to focus on you and, if you genuinely love him, adjust your attitude so it’s not impacting your H and dc, if he’s living in an environment that’s not judgemental and therefore stressful his weight will not feel as big a deal and it may be easier for him to address it.

Don’t tackle him about it, definitely don’t get your dc to do it - that’s emotionally manipulative and also puts responsibility of their dad’s weight on them, which is fucked up however you look at it.

My best friend is the same age as your husband and obese. Thing is he has osteoporosis as a consequence

Inclined to agree - he’s a partner not a child.

So your whole family has eating disorders @primrose81 ? Your DH is overeating and you and your daughters are suffering from orthorexia/anorexia. Maybe it's time for the whole family to get some therapy?
You having an affair has probably pushed him to overeat even more so you have some responsability for that as well.

Wtf how dare you try to make out that obese people are “unkind” for not being able to control their weight? It’s an illness as anyone who knows anything about obesity is aware.

I agree
Op also says she lives in an area with a "diet culture" (a what?) and all her friends etc are into exercise and diet.
Move and get less superficial friends would be my advice before you tip your children into a serious ED
Nothing wrong with being worried about your DH's health but I imagine you have lots of money and move in rather rich and thin circles that aren't healthy either physically or mentally for anyone