Husband is obese - AIBU to address this?

[primrose81]

Hi, I’m posting here because I’m finding it hard to talk about this in ‘real life’.

My DH, nearly 50, is a wonderful man. He is truly pretty much perfect - so kind, generous, patient, clever, sensitive, high-achieving, clever. People adore him. There are so many reasons we are married - he is great company and a fantastic father.

However, he is also obese. He was overweight when we met, and is a big man anyway - tall, heavy set, broad. Over the years he has put on more weight.

For context, I’m very slim, spend a lot of time on exercise / fitness. (I’m not trying to stealth boast, there is quite a contrast between us.) I’m also a bit younger (by 6 years, so not loads)

I’m feeling really exasperated by him - it feels like he just isn’t trying to address his weight at all. He tries diets and then drops them, likewise for exercise. I know he doesn’t like his body but also he is usually just very genial / relaxed / quite confident & seems to turn a blind eye to his weight.

Money is not an issue - we are well-off. He could afford a PT, diet plan etc.

He is really close with our teenage girls - to be honest I would say he is a better parent than me - they love him, but I also know they worry about his weight a bit too. Physically they are very similar to me & also I think they can both be a bit anxious about weight / food etc, I feel like this might be linked to both of us.

I try to address the issue with him but he can be quite evasive - he is sensitive and I know it doesn’t make him feel great. I don’t know what to do anymore - it’s starting to feel like a really significant issue for me but I also feel like I’m being really mean because he is so kind.

I am not diagnosing anyone.

The point is whatever is driving DH’s overeating and obesity, OP can’t fix it and she can’t change him.

So she either has to accept him exactly as he is and potentially shift to a platonic relationship, or accept it’s not working for her and move on.

No you are completely missing the point. It’s how better to approach the issue with him.

I wonder how your dh supports you differently to what he suggested. Seemed pretty generic rather than specifically for a “blunt” 🤷

Whatever, you forgot that the thread is not about me.

On this we agree!

He deserves someone who genuinely fancies the pants off him and doesn't want to control his diet and body shape.

If the OP has the ick, she should end the marriage.

you mentioned your emotional eating
you mentioned your DH’s thoughts on it as an “expert”

No, I’ve said that my DH can relate to how better to approach the issue of being overweight with a man of around 50 by blunt speaking wife.

I guess some version of this question will always come up in a very long relationship, as people change, and not always in compatible ways. Unfortunately, no one can decide for you. Do you have a therapist, or a councellor? Perhaps a professional could help you decide. As PP said, you have to either accept him as he is, or walk away. You can't change him.

Very slightly overweight
and his wife is overweight too

so all I was saying was… not really relevant to the OP’s situation and not really an “expert” 🤷‍♀️

The issue is every person of any weight over the norm is AWARE. Believe me they are. So kind words and concern make sod all difference. It’s not like someone saying I’m worried about your weight suddenly makes them not blind and able to say oh wow I hadn’t noticed! They are worried about their health too and probably think about it constantly. A difficult relationship with food is hard to untangle. He could maybe try counselling as that’s an objective space to perhaps start talking about his weight etc which might help him start to think about changes. He needs to make the change and that has to come from him. His confidence will be low too, especially if you and your daughters are very fit. It’s a hard one but I think let him figure it out. Like others have said he isn’t 30 stone. Focus on nurturing him and your relationship and saying some of the lovely things about him you’ve said here.

Thank you, that is very helpful! Will think about this. Especially as I tend to be a bit reactive in the heat of the moment which doesn't help.

Also for the record I am not sure of my DH exact weigh t - I just know he is at least BMI 33 but it is more

I'm BMI 19. We are quite different!

Thank you, I appreciate this. I know he is aware but I think he pushes away thinking about some of the health risks etc.

He has been to therapy, but I think he tended to avoid going 'deep' with the weight conversation...

Poor man, he sounds far too nice to be married to you. If this were the other way around, posters would be telling him the easiest way to lose 9 stone quickly….

Correction - Telling you, not him

I would address this. My DH loves treats and I’m much more careful about weight and exercise. He was working his way through a big cake once on his own and I stopped him. Diabetes, stroke, heart attack, joint & mobility issues - not fun for him or you! It’s for his own good. Maybe just open the conversation?

A few posters assuming OP's husband has an eating disorder or at the least is over eating due to significant psychological issues. Maybe he's just self-indulgent with food. It might go along with his personality - OP has said how patient (indulgent?) and kind and easy going he is. Not a big stretch to think he wouldn't be that way with himself? Reading between the lines he's some kind of 'commercial traveller' - they often seem to have this personality - a friend of mine was with a sales rep - he was the loveliest guy going, absolutely great personality but all that travelling, sat down for long periods, dining with clients, he was that 'archetypal sales rep' guy, super personality to be around, and physically rather rotund. He did lose weight when they both went on a bit of a diet but then they slipped back into old habits.

I don't think you're unreasonable @primrose81 to address it with your husband, but possibly a bit unrealistic on whether he is willing to change his way of eating permanently just based on the fact he's always tended to be over weight. But it really sounds like you need to lay your cards on the table with him. In my experience, you can lead a horse to water but can't make him drink but at least if you lay your cards on the table you've done all you could about your concerns. If the genders were reversed it might not be quite as bad as men tend to accumulate visceral fat more than women.

Thank you! Yes, that's it. He's not in sales rep work but that is very perceptive - he does travel for freelance work & there are a lot of dinners etc. He has a very warm, genial, kind, generous personality, which is wonderful (And balances some of my traits out!) and loves food. The over-indulgence is part of this. He def has form for some comfort eating, but I am very sure he's not compulsively bingeing - he just overeats consistently. And he does eat some junk / upf style stuff which I know can be so hard to cut out

Love the double standards of this forum

A bloke tells his wife that's she's overweight and he's a bastard.

A woman tells her husband he's overweight and it's the loving thing to do

🤣🤣🤣

OP, put your big girl pants on, be brave, you're not in love with him, you love him, sexual attraction is important and a healthy weight.

I think that you both have disordered eating, not judging, I'm a food phobic.

Have an honest chat with him, if he wants the relationship to work, he'll make it work. I understand its disheartening, word it around health, modelling better habits to the children, before his bones become weak, would he take up park run? Do it together with the children once he gains confidence.

Those who play together, stay together.

I don't really understand why people are advising you to address it. It sounds like you have on more than one occasion and you describe yourself as direct so clearly you haven't pussy footed around. I bet he also knows that your lack of attraction to him because of his weight led to the affair too?

I don't think it's any coincidence that this poor man is getting bigger not smaller as you keep on 'addressing' his weight. He must be utterly miserable about it. If shaming fat people worked we'd have no fat people. Making people feel like shit generally has them running to something that comforts them i.e. food.

If you are determined you want to make the marriage work just stop. Leave it alone. He knows he's fat, he knows it's an issue for you. Work on your marriage, do nice things together and for each other.

Sounds like you all have issues around eating, you need to all be eating healthy meals together as often as possible and it needs to include high protein and fibre to keep him from being hungry.

And the same double standards towards the affair.

Good god, all this about a man weighing 19st?!

That is not a lot of weight and it is not very fat.