Husband is obese - AIBU to address this?

[primrose81]

Hi, I’m posting here because I’m finding it hard to talk about this in ‘real life’.

My DH, nearly 50, is a wonderful man. He is truly pretty much perfect - so kind, generous, patient, clever, sensitive, high-achieving, clever. People adore him. There are so many reasons we are married - he is great company and a fantastic father.

However, he is also obese. He was overweight when we met, and is a big man anyway - tall, heavy set, broad. Over the years he has put on more weight.

For context, I’m very slim, spend a lot of time on exercise / fitness. (I’m not trying to stealth boast, there is quite a contrast between us.) I’m also a bit younger (by 6 years, so not loads)

I’m feeling really exasperated by him - it feels like he just isn’t trying to address his weight at all. He tries diets and then drops them, likewise for exercise. I know he doesn’t like his body but also he is usually just very genial / relaxed / quite confident & seems to turn a blind eye to his weight.

Money is not an issue - we are well-off. He could afford a PT, diet plan etc.

He is really close with our teenage girls - to be honest I would say he is a better parent than me - they love him, but I also know they worry about his weight a bit too. Physically they are very similar to me & also I think they can both be a bit anxious about weight / food etc, I feel like this might be linked to both of us.

I try to address the issue with him but he can be quite evasive - he is sensitive and I know it doesn’t make him feel great. I don’t know what to do anymore - it’s starting to feel like a really significant issue for me but I also feel like I’m being really mean because he is so kind.

He's not overweight though, he's obese and continuing to put on weight. I would understand a man worrying about his wife's health in the same situation. It increases your chances of diabetes, cardiovascular issues and certain cancers.

There are a number of MN posters that get very angry about any mention of weight and insist that they're healthy. But it's demonstrably true that weight can be a factor in health issues both for those significantly underweight as overweight. Pretending that's not true is deluding themselves.

@TheDeftHare The OP also says that he has high blood pressure and gets breathless on family walks-so yes, this is worrying.

I’m 50 and these symptoms aren’t typical of a healthy person our age. Among my friends, I can’t think of anyone who gets breathless walking-my DH is carrying some extra weight too, but he has no problem going for long walks.

The OP’s DH really should get a health check.

100 percent agree with you.

So sounds like the issue is fitness, not weight per se then? Unless he's 5'7", 19 stone is just a normal, chunky man. Addressing it from a fitness perspective rather than a weight one is likely to be much more productive.

@TheDeftHare I know that BMI calculations are questionable, but he’d be in the obese category even at 6ft. So weight may be contributing to his symptoms. Getting fitter would definitely be a good idea.

https://www.nhs.uk/health-assessment-tools/calculate-your-body-mass-index/calculate-bmi-for-adults/confirm-consent