Husband is obese - AIBU to address this?

[primrose81]

Hi, I’m posting here because I’m finding it hard to talk about this in ‘real life’.

My DH, nearly 50, is a wonderful man. He is truly pretty much perfect - so kind, generous, patient, clever, sensitive, high-achieving, clever. People adore him. There are so many reasons we are married - he is great company and a fantastic father.

However, he is also obese. He was overweight when we met, and is a big man anyway - tall, heavy set, broad. Over the years he has put on more weight.

For context, I’m very slim, spend a lot of time on exercise / fitness. (I’m not trying to stealth boast, there is quite a contrast between us.) I’m also a bit younger (by 6 years, so not loads)

I’m feeling really exasperated by him - it feels like he just isn’t trying to address his weight at all. He tries diets and then drops them, likewise for exercise. I know he doesn’t like his body but also he is usually just very genial / relaxed / quite confident & seems to turn a blind eye to his weight.

Money is not an issue - we are well-off. He could afford a PT, diet plan etc.

He is really close with our teenage girls - to be honest I would say he is a better parent than me - they love him, but I also know they worry about his weight a bit too. Physically they are very similar to me & also I think they can both be a bit anxious about weight / food etc, I feel like this might be linked to both of us.

I try to address the issue with him but he can be quite evasive - he is sensitive and I know it doesn’t make him feel great. I don’t know what to do anymore - it’s starting to feel like a really significant issue for me but I also feel like I’m being really mean because he is so kind.

Maybe he is depressed. Could be over your affair.

Yes- I wouldn't say that my daughters’ anxiety is dramatic and I am aware of it - we are in an area with intense diet culture, there is a lot of pressure to be thin at their school (and among my peer group too). They are also worried I think that if they don’t eat super healthily that they would be like DH. They are super polite girls (which they get from him…) but have suggested this a couple of times to me

Your obsession with fitness is damaging your family, your DD's see you being critical of your DH and constantly working to keep yourself at the perfect size because apparently being overweight is the worst thing in the world and worth having affairs over and that is what is damaging their relationship with food not your DHs size.

I love a chunky man, but more than anything I love one who is kind and thoughtful and doesn't cheat because I gain a few stone.

I have experience of similar. Ex became obese (was always on the bigger side) but over the years just got heavier, obsessed with food. Aware of this but had no desire to change, even when this was raised.
When a male partner in a hetero relationship is obese it impacts your sex life so much.
There were many other issues for us, but this was one of them. We are no longer together and haven’t been for a number of years.
It might not be a popular view, but I think it is unfair when a husband does this and refuses to try to change or do anything about it, but expects partner to be ok, remain attracted and settle for a sub-standard sex life.

I would think what was the biggest contribution to his weight gain and how you could help through some small natural changes e.g if it’s lack of exercise could you go to gym together, if it’s about snacking what switches you could do, if it’s an alcohol how to cut it.
Also people overeat for different reasons and their patterns are different. I’m emotional eater so I’m drowning my stresses in chocolate and cakes. If I’m happy I can do small portions, occasional piece of chocolate or a biscuit. My DH is very different, he just can’t do portion control. He can cut biscuits altogether but the concept of having at home a bar of chocolate for occasional nibbling is absolutely alien to him.
I would also approach it from health point of view. I agree with PPs that health check is a good starting point. But my point still stands — the approach depends on his triggers.

By the way people do have different metabolism and some people gain weight quicker than others, so it’s not like you are strong and he is weak, you just have different genetics.

Tell him what?

BMI of 33 isn’t massive! I was imagining someone huge

My dh became very overweight he got to about 16 stone at his heaviest he’s only 5ft 8 (so technically obese) I had a word , I loved him to bits and he wasn’t unattractive to me but I worried about his health.
He did listen and started on a health kick and took up weight training. Now he’s a the gym 5x a week, won’t touch junk food. He weighs around 10 stone (less than me 😢) he is very skinny and looks tiny.
I find him less attractive now as he is so bony and little and his sanctimonious attitude towards food is frankly irritating. Be careful what you wish for.

I find these posts really weird. Who tries to solve their partners obesity when their partner isn’t asking for help? He’s a grown man. It’s so emasculating to be trying to control his diet and “gently persuade him” to exercise. It’s so cringe

I’d rather someone a bit over weight than someone who cheats.

You gone across as very critical of your DH with regards to his weight -it’s not very kind if you at all.

I think you need to work on yourself before criticising your DH

I have the exact same thing.same age gap too.
Kept telling him to loose weight as his DM died at 44 of a heart attack.
In his 50s he had a massive heart attack.For a bit he tried.
Now a BMI of around 32 again.I still nag on.He is 65 and on lots of pills with heart stents.

It's not cringe to want the father of your dcs to live.

Having a BMI of 33 doesn’t make you dead 🙄

It blows my mind that anyone would “mind” if their partner was obese. I’d think they have a very bizarre view of long term relationships as well as control issues if they “minded” what their long term partner and father of their children came to look like over time.

It is cringe to blame the sole problems of the marriage and their DC's anxieties on his weight though. Especially when it's later drip fed that the OP had an affair and surrounds herself in a toxic "slim/fit people only" culture.

Hard agree!

You must spend a lot of your life feel like your brain has blown due to various things you hear and learn

This

The answer is simple (not easy). Is his obesity a deal breaker for you? It looks like it is. So face it. As they say on MN, you're allowed to break up for any reason.

You can't make him lose weight if it's not a priority for him (it's not easy, he has to really want it). I spent over 10 years trying to convince XH to eat healthly, etc. Marriage ended for other reasons, but many years later, he still doesn't care for his health. It was never in my power to change that.

You are right to be concerned about your DHs weight.
However I think the approach needs to be looking at what's causing the weight gain ie the psychological side. Hopefully, once that is addressed, there can be support to exercise/make better food choices/loose weight/stop eating UPF
It's also worth listening to podcasts be Xander and Chris van Tulluken - really good advocates for healthy food/lifestyles.

Dh is 19 st.. I can be honest and tell him those leftovers he keeps eating to save things being wasted isn't helping his physique.. I have started skipping crap and told him he needs to.. Imagine the 'fun'... IE more sex /positions.. Pretty limited now!! He is 6.4 and doesn't look that huge clothed...
I know I need to lose weight as have hypertension... Can you mention when any dgc come along you hope he's still around to share them? Dh has joined a casual footy team and did couch to 5k last year and intends to do it again. Tbf we've had a fucking awful last year and he comfort eats...

I don’t, no. Weird post

I feel for you.weight is a difficult thing to address really. I think you may be missing something in your marriage too.you say you had an affair often this is a symptom rather than the cause.he is kind and successful. On a deeper note do u still fancy him.many people stay together because they feel safe .it may be that he feels similar and maybe eats more due to feeling unhappy with his frame.maybe some counselling would help.

We are a similar couple.
I'm 5'3 under 8 stone.
He's 6'2 19 stone.

At the moment I'm in the don't care mode. I do side eye his pregnaht belly at times.

He tried ozempic, lost weight in the first few weeks but then went back to his usual eating habits while taking ozempic, it didn't work for him.

I think he'd benefit greatly, we had the chat many times, I can't force it so assume he'll get bigger each year, he'll lose weight, if I manage his diet, he's an adult so I'm not mothering him. in the past he'll put it back on when i stopped.

Like your partner, he is a loving caring person, who always puts me first.
Have a chat with him.

Says… it “blows my mind” 😆