Husband is obese - AIBU to address this?

[primrose81]

Hi, I’m posting here because I’m finding it hard to talk about this in ‘real life’.

My DH, nearly 50, is a wonderful man. He is truly pretty much perfect - so kind, generous, patient, clever, sensitive, high-achieving, clever. People adore him. There are so many reasons we are married - he is great company and a fantastic father.

However, he is also obese. He was overweight when we met, and is a big man anyway - tall, heavy set, broad. Over the years he has put on more weight.

For context, I’m very slim, spend a lot of time on exercise / fitness. (I’m not trying to stealth boast, there is quite a contrast between us.) I’m also a bit younger (by 6 years, so not loads)

I’m feeling really exasperated by him - it feels like he just isn’t trying to address his weight at all. He tries diets and then drops them, likewise for exercise. I know he doesn’t like his body but also he is usually just very genial / relaxed / quite confident & seems to turn a blind eye to his weight.

Money is not an issue - we are well-off. He could afford a PT, diet plan etc.

He is really close with our teenage girls - to be honest I would say he is a better parent than me - they love him, but I also know they worry about his weight a bit too. Physically they are very similar to me & also I think they can both be a bit anxious about weight / food etc, I feel like this might be linked to both of us.

I try to address the issue with him but he can be quite evasive - he is sensitive and I know it doesn’t make him feel great. I don’t know what to do anymore - it’s starting to feel like a really significant issue for me but I also feel like I’m being really mean because he is so kind.

He knows he's obese, I don't think you need to bring it up unless you want him to feel bad. Sounds like you are lucky to still have him since you've had an affair.

Unfortunately he can’t use GLPs- he tried and has so many side effects he was advised to stop.

On high-stress, it’s mixed. He doesn’t have to work but he does, and part of his work is , I think, relatively high stress (family business + the travelling). He finds other projects fulfilling and I have tried to encourage him to stop, but he feels he has to be involved

Yes - I very much know this. It’s why I do feel so bad for bringing up his weight, because he is just lovely and has been very tolerant with me.

I think your DH being overweight is the least of your problems. Your affair and your daughters anxiety about eating and weight are far more worrying .

Agreed

Then don't bring it up.

Ok.

so your dh is obese.

he’s tried GLPs so he’s clearly aware of it, and if he’s stopped due to the side effects then, well, they can be bad.

you say lots of nice things about him but then you say you had an affair.

this Isn’t about his weight. Clearly you got something from the affair you didn’t get from your marriage. Can you think through what it might have been?

also your affair will have massively impacted his self esteem. It’s very common for people to emotionally over eat in situations like that.

I'm obese, I think my BMI is 33 ish. I wear size 18/20 clothes. My blood pressure is on the low end of normal, I take my kids swimming, play ball, run around etc and do loads of walking, I eat loads of veg because I love it but I also love unhealthy food 🫠 I think his overall health matters more than his weight.

Stop with all the nonsense of you not bringing it up because he’s “so kind”

You have already brought it up you say, and you allude to being too brutal and blunt

What actually happened?

and his weight increased post affair discovery?

and my first concern would be for your teen daughters

Thank you for sharing. That’s also why I change my mind about pursuing this with him - he isn’t as fit as you, he does get a bit out of breath, but he does go swimming semi-regularly - but he still has high blood pressure etc. And he has been gaining weight quite steadily over the years.

Also realising I made a typo earlier - he’s probably closer to 19st.

He knows. The drive to change has to come from him. You can have a gentle conversation with him about how you can help him achieve his goals if he brings it up. But otherwise, it's his body and his "choice" for want of a better word. You are feeling some negative feelings towards him eg exasperated. I think you need to look at that. It's his journey, his life, his reality, not yours. Try more empathy and understanding.

This. To be honest, this comes across as truly obnoxious and with almost no self-awareness. I say this as someone who runs marathons, eats like a health conscious nutter and is married to someone who is obese. Take a look at yourself and have a think about your priorities. Your daughters‘ issues are probably down to you and nothing to do with your husband. Seriously your post has really ticked me off. If the roles were reversed it would be an outcry. Obese is not morbidly obese. FFS.

We have spoken, but he can be evasive. Or he will be self-deprecating, commenting on his big stomach, while not actually talking about the issue of over-eating. He says he will lose weight and then isn’t able to change his habits meaningfully. Or he feels very discouraged by stats about likelihood of losing weight in the long term after being obese

You shouldn’t have mentioned the affair as this thread will get completely derailed. I bet his weight actually is part of the reason for the affair too but you’ll get eaten alive if you suggest that here.

I have a similar problem with DH’s weight except he’s in complete denial about it. Buys clothes several sizes too small. He has a large belly which I know is a major indicator of health issues down the line, as well as being so so so unattractive to me, I have tried my best but I just can’t see past it (pun somewhat intended).

He’d be devastated if I brought it up. He’s extremely sensitive and easily hurt. Right now we’re doing healthy eating “as a family” and cutting out sugar “as a family”. I don’t know if it will be effective, but crushing his spirit by addressing it directly wouldn’t be either…

Do you really not mind that your partner is obese?

Another post about fat unhealthy husbands?

jeez his BMI is 33 not 53. Yes he’s obese and it would be good if he got a handle on it but he’s hardly in keeling over territory.

has he thought about weight loss injections?

I know - I am trying to be empathetic but I do feel frustrated - because it’s our life, our reality, our marriage.

Why did you have the affair? For sex?

Thank you - I know it would likely derail but I am trying to be honest about everything. The weight was part of the reason and I am also worried about his health, because I do love him. It’s so complicated - he is usually very confident, but is very sensitive about his weight - it’s so not black and white.

honestly - the affair was partly about the weight - the person was very fit, which obviously has made things harder. I do feel terrible about it. It also made me realise just how much I do love my DH, which I already knew of course, but it made me see how much of a good person he is

Basically, yes. And I know it’s an awful thing to do. It crystallised to me just how mcuh I do value my marriage. I know that sounds contradictory but it is true.

but bugger all has changed since then, so this just still very much be a risk of happening again

I'd much rather have an obese partner than one who cheated.

Like he doesn't know?