Husband is obese - AIBU to address this?

[primrose81]

Hi, I’m posting here because I’m finding it hard to talk about this in ‘real life’.

My DH, nearly 50, is a wonderful man. He is truly pretty much perfect - so kind, generous, patient, clever, sensitive, high-achieving, clever. People adore him. There are so many reasons we are married - he is great company and a fantastic father.

However, he is also obese. He was overweight when we met, and is a big man anyway - tall, heavy set, broad. Over the years he has put on more weight.

For context, I’m very slim, spend a lot of time on exercise / fitness. (I’m not trying to stealth boast, there is quite a contrast between us.) I’m also a bit younger (by 6 years, so not loads)

I’m feeling really exasperated by him - it feels like he just isn’t trying to address his weight at all. He tries diets and then drops them, likewise for exercise. I know he doesn’t like his body but also he is usually just very genial / relaxed / quite confident & seems to turn a blind eye to his weight.

Money is not an issue - we are well-off. He could afford a PT, diet plan etc.

He is really close with our teenage girls - to be honest I would say he is a better parent than me - they love him, but I also know they worry about his weight a bit too. Physically they are very similar to me & also I think they can both be a bit anxious about weight / food etc, I feel like this might be linked to both of us.

I try to address the issue with him but he can be quite evasive - he is sensitive and I know it doesn’t make him feel great. I don’t know what to do anymore - it’s starting to feel like a really significant issue for me but I also feel like I’m being really mean because he is so kind.

As others have said, people can lose weight if they really want to, it just requires commitment as well as whatever technique they're using. But it doesn't sound like he wants to do so 'enough' - It's a tricky one... you fell in love with his personality but his bad habit has been exacerbated with age - naturally - more life stresses accumulate which can worsen weight gain. At the end of the day, though, if he really wanted to he could prioritise his health more than he is doing. It's not just about health issues, it's quality of life, if he's getting out of breath etc. I don't think there's much you can do about this. Difficult situation.

I think the kindest thing would be to divorce him. In the long term he will be happier if he finds someone who loves him just how he is, who doesn't want to shame or change him, and who will be faithful to him.

Imagine the stress of living on a knife edge, worrying that since your partner is repulsed by your body, when will they seek sex from someone else again. That alone would have me reaching for the maltesers.

His self esteem is probably rock bottom due to your infidelity and your silent daily judging of him. How on earth can he love himself enough to focus on weight loss when you don't love him enough to accept him as he is.

You clearly don't find him attractive any more. Set him free to find someone who does.

And stop lying about being concerned about his health. You need to get some help with your own fitness obsession before you fuck up your girls too.

That is a reach. The only person with the warped relationship with food and exercise and body size here is the OP. @Mirabai

@lotsofpatience not everyone likes the blunt approach....I am always worried about upsetting people...but you speak some important home truths... When you have children, you have responsibilities, your health is not just yours to abuse as you will any more.

You’re looking through the telescope from the wrong end.

I don't think so. You have jumped from the DH being a bit overweight (not as dramatically fat as the OP describes either) to him having a food addiction like an alcoholic!

That's a reach in my view.

The start of the overweight scale.

so not really remotely like the OP’s husband

And does he encourage you to be fit and make healthy choices @pizzaHeart ?

It’s strange but I think that people who cheat on loving husbands are cunts, not people who like a bit too much cake.

No. And?

So a little strange to ask your dh for his view

what’s your view?

about what?

Good grief

This thread

So I’ve asked my DH about your problem. I thought that he might be an expert as he is about the same age (a few years older), slightly overweight and has very direct speaking wife (me).

He is barely overweight

so intrigued why you think he’d be an “expert”

He’s obese. When overeating is out of control so that the person hits obesity and they can’t stop and can’t lose weight - that’s addiction, or eating disorder territory. Call it problem eating if you prefer.

At what point does someone who enjoys alcohol qualify as an alcoholic? When they can’t stop and it’s impacting their health and relationships.

I’ve posted it already at the very beginning

Ah I missed @pizzaHeart

much more relevant

by the way does you dh support you when you are emotionally overeating?

I didn't get that from the post.
There is a big difference between healthy eating or a warped relationship with food.

OP, are you comfortable sharing your BMI.

I do have a warped relationship with food, but that doesn't mean DH isn't over 4 stone overweight.

I'm underweight, not by bmi, low bmi of 20. He's in the obese category.

He'd like me to gain a stone. I'd like him to lose 3.5 stone.

I am an anonymous member. Not overweight anonymous. I have seen the evidence, longterm loss, food noise silenced.
Once people accept their addiction and battle to overcome it.

It doesn’t matter how my DH approach my emotional overeating as he’s not a blunt speaking wife, I’m.
OP asked how to approach the issue with her husband considering the fact that she has tendency to be too blunt that’s why I asked mine as he could relate to this situation. He is also similar age and has weight issues although in smaller scale.

However he gets discouraged when he gets out of breath,

So he gets out of breath on walks and also has high blood pressure @primrose81 ?

It sounds as if his health is being affected, which is worrying. Has he seen his GP lately for a Health Check? He’s eligible as he’s over 40.

It might be a good idea as it’s sometimes easier to take advice from a medical professional than a family member.

You cannot diagnose that for someone you have very little information about.

Are you one of those thin people who have never had a problem maintaining slimness and eat whatever you like, or one of those who have spent their life restricting food and denying themselves and think everyone should do that?

Presumably what your dh advises the OP is how he supports you