Husband is obese - AIBU to address this?

[primrose81]

Hi, I’m posting here because I’m finding it hard to talk about this in ‘real life’.

My DH, nearly 50, is a wonderful man. He is truly pretty much perfect - so kind, generous, patient, clever, sensitive, high-achieving, clever. People adore him. There are so many reasons we are married - he is great company and a fantastic father.

However, he is also obese. He was overweight when we met, and is a big man anyway - tall, heavy set, broad. Over the years he has put on more weight.

For context, I’m very slim, spend a lot of time on exercise / fitness. (I’m not trying to stealth boast, there is quite a contrast between us.) I’m also a bit younger (by 6 years, so not loads)

I’m feeling really exasperated by him - it feels like he just isn’t trying to address his weight at all. He tries diets and then drops them, likewise for exercise. I know he doesn’t like his body but also he is usually just very genial / relaxed / quite confident & seems to turn a blind eye to his weight.

Money is not an issue - we are well-off. He could afford a PT, diet plan etc.

He is really close with our teenage girls - to be honest I would say he is a better parent than me - they love him, but I also know they worry about his weight a bit too. Physically they are very similar to me & also I think they can both be a bit anxious about weight / food etc, I feel like this might be linked to both of us.

I try to address the issue with him but he can be quite evasive - he is sensitive and I know it doesn’t make him feel great. I don’t know what to do anymore - it’s starting to feel like a really significant issue for me but I also feel like I’m being really mean because he is so kind.

Thank you - yes exactly, without going into detail it obviously does impact sex life. And he does seems so into food - it feels sometimes like he cares more about it than being intimate with me, even though he does really love me

Thank you - yes I read their book & listened to the podcast. It was particuarly helpful listening to the twin who gains weight through being addicted to UPFs and travelling to the US a lot - that's very similar to my DH

Thing is.....he does love you, I'm sure he does. But he prefers food to sex and healthy living. I guess you've got to choose now

Thank you so much for sharing, I do relate. I go through lots of periods where i'm in 'don't care' mode and just turn a blind eye etc. I am independent, I'm already a mother & I don't want to monitor or manage him - particuarly when he is super capable in every other part of his life apart from this

This is why it's so hard. I do care about the obesity. However, he is truly just perfect in every other way. I have way more personality flaws than he does. I wouldn't just want to break up our family (especially when he is a wonderful parent & really better than me) for this. And he is my best friend. But then I also find it hard to accept this as part of our marriage

It sounds like you don’t make him very happy, OP.

honestly, having an affair is awful. Your children’s health issues/anxieties etc can’t be blamed on your husband being obese. They could be blamed on picking up on their parents’ unhappiness.

i feel really sorry for your husband. You’ve described him as a kind, loving man, perfect in every way, except for his weight. He’s probably emotionally eating in private because he knows you don’t unconditionally love him.

the kind thing to do would be to recognise this, stop trying to change him, and leave him so he could have a chance of happiness.

he would probably find balance and fitness for himself, once the weight of living in this unhealthy marriage was lifted.

It's an addiction which is an illness, a progressive illness, also a curable illness with addiction therapy, 12 step programs, WLI, one day at a time, reprogramming the brain.

No ones became morbidly abuse overnight. The addiction initially feels good, until the pounds pile on.

All substance addiction recovery takes resilience, dedication every day, while gaining the strength to see the damage and fear of returning to old patterns.

Kudos for responding so calmly. I think I went a bit far in my response as I was very much over identifying with him. I do think though that focusing on his weight may not be helpful - the answer needs to come from him and the weight is likely a symptom of something else.

You are right that it's an unfair expectation to love your partner unconditionally. But I do think that staying with someone you don't desire is robbing them if someone who would.

Mine too.

I haven't had sex in the missionary position in many years.

I try to address the issue with him but he can be quite evasive - he is sensitive and I know it doesn’t make him feel great. I don’t know what to do anymore - it’s starting to feel like a really significant issue for me but I also feel like I’m being really mean because he is so kind.

As you say, OP, it's really starting to bother you - the fact that he is a kind and genial person doesn't alter that fact.

In a way, you're 'sort of' being 'unreasonable' by expecting him to miraculously change - I mean, why weren't you bothered by him being overweight when you met and married? Maybe exploring that may help sort things a little more in your head? On the face of it, I'd say it must be incredibly hard to want to go on a weight loss journey at age 50 when you've been overweight all your life. I've always been a petite size 10 but in the last 5 years I've put on at least a stone and gone up a dress size, I know, not huge but I don't like it and have recently started calorie counting. I'm happy to lose weight slowly but I lose optimism quite quickly but going back to my usual mindful way of eating is not too difficult as that's what I've done most of my life until 2020. I always ate healthy food but never calorie counted which clearly makes a difference! I imagine if you've been big all your life it must seem a hopeless task and difficult to change entrenched habits. My cousin is early 50s, has always been significantly overweight yet the only thing that has prompted them to start to lose weight is a health scare (mini stroke).

What position is ok @EmeraldShamrock000 ?

He knows the reason you had an affair op - sex because sex life between the pair of you was poor / non existent as a result of his weight.

and yet since then he has continued to pile on the pounds

so either… he’s living in a constant state of worry that you’ll have another affair
or
he wasn’t / isn’t too bothered about you having sex with another man

Have you considered marriage counselling?

I was trying to understand why you stay with your DH when you clearly dislike him As you said you were well off I was wondering if it was a lifestyle that was keeping you with him

Use your imagination.

When we got together & got married, he did raise the question of his weight with me. Until him, I'd dated men who were similarly fit to me. But I just totally fell in love with DH & foundI didn't mind him being overweight - however that has been tested as he has put on more weight over the years. I do also think it would take a big health scare for him to lose weight :-(

Can you image the response on this thread if a women had posted her DH said he had an affair because her BMI was 33 .

She doesn't clearly dislike him, she loves him but doesn't find his body attractive.
Thousands of couples are in this situation but as there is such a negative hurt reaction to mentioning obesity, they can't bring it up without hurting someone they love.

Did you miss the bit where she had an affair or was that an accident just like all those husbands have

I mean, it sounds like he’s making an active choice to stay big and that’s just not your thing. He may be a nice person, but if a chubby dad bod and being unhealthy by choice doesn’t do it for you, that’s ok. I think if I were you, I’d be wondering what others saw when they saw you out together. Do they think he’s punching? From what you’ve said, you’re slim, fit and healthy and look good for your age. He’s overweight, lazy and old for his years. It’s not fair and not what you’d expect after years together, is it? The affair was likely a reflection of that.

Life is a bit more nuanced than

A had an affair therefore definitely dislikes partner

it shows fundamental disrespect yes
bit beyond that - many many reasons dependent on each situation and not all will share person A hating their partner

That’s what someone married to an alcoholic would say.

You’re essentially in a relationship with a man with an addiction/ED who is choosing not to deal with it.

He’s a kind man and you clearly love him. But I think you need to be realistic. This is not about doing a bit more exercise and eating more salad, or a tactful word from you.

What is required is that he makes a decision to tackle his addiction/disordered eating, address his deeply held issues and behaviour patterns to change his eating habits permanently and stick with it.

Now he may be able to do this or he may not. I think you need to accept that he may choose not to deal with it; or he tries to deal with it and fails.

What does either of those options look like to you? Would you be happy just to accept his obesity and have a platonic relationship? That works for some people, would it work for you or indeed him? And if he fails to address it will you decide you need to move on? In which case, what kind of time frame do you need to see changes?

It’s possible that the reality of losing you might be sufficient wake up call to address this, but some addicts choose their substance over their spouse.

I don’t know if OA run a similar thing to AA for partners of addicts - I guess they might - that might be a place to start to get supoort and explore your options?

Agreed.

So I’ve asked my DH about your problem. I thought that he might be an expert as he is about the same age (a few years older), slightly overweight and has very direct speaking wife (me).
He said that at this age and stage it’s about habits. So you need to think which habits contribute more and what habits can be used for good. He was very sceptical about gym as it would be a bit embarrassing, maybe exercise bike ar home but a bit later.
He also said that writing a letter might be a good idea as in the conversation your DH might feel pressured to do something straight away (which is a unrealistic of course as it’s about small gradual changes). A letter will give him time to think and reflect. Also you will be able to make your message less blunt and more caring.
He has also expressed concern if your DH generally has spare time to care about himself e.g do long walks, have more sleeep etc. it’s often a problem, at least in our case.
Hope it helps a bit.

What is “slightly overweight” @pizzaHeart ?

Send him my way. He sounds amazing.