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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To confront DH over bingeing

233 replies

JaneEyre40 · 23/08/2025 15:31

No not alcohol, chocolate. I've found the remains of family sized chocolate bars that have been eaten in one sitting secretly by my DH, up to 2/3 a week. I wouldn't have a problem with this if it weren't in secret! He also complains about feeling unfit, wanting to get healthy but does nothing about it. Things are slightly stressful at home but not to the degree that you'd need a binge to ease it. Am I being unreasonable to bring it up and ask if he's ok? Not unreasonable being I do bring it up with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
JaneEyre40 · 23/08/2025 15:32

Bumping as I want to bring it up today.

OP posts:
MiloMinderbinder925 · 23/08/2025 15:34

I would have a think about what you're trying to achieve from the conversation and if there was a less direct way of helping.

Original poster
JaneEyre40 · 23/08/2025 15:35

MiloMinderbinder925 · 23/08/2025 15:34

I would have a think about what you're trying to achieve from the conversation and if there was a less direct way of helping.

Good idea! The last thing I want him to feel is ashamed and I think he will.

OP posts:
BeltaLodaLife · 23/08/2025 15:37

I’d just put the wrappers down in front of him when you’re both in the same room and ask what’s going on. There really is no nice way to do it, but I agree that it needs done. So bite the bullet, show him the wrappers and ask what’s is going on.

Original poster
JaneEyre40 · 23/08/2025 15:37

MiloMinderbinder925 · 23/08/2025 15:34

I would have a think about what you're trying to achieve from the conversation and if there was a less direct way of helping.

But, when he complains about not working out and feeling out of shape constantly it's so hard to bite my tongue, he's actively hindering getting in shape or at least being as healthy as he says he wants to be.

OP posts:
LittleYellowQueen · 23/08/2025 15:37

Well if it's a binge eating disorder what do you actually want him to do? I've got a binge eating disorder and it's not the kind of thing you can pop to the GP and get help with because it's not as easy as saying "just don't eat it" and that's all a GP has ever done for me.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 23/08/2025 15:37

JaneEyre40 · 23/08/2025 15:35

Good idea! The last thing I want him to feel is ashamed and I think he will.

Show quote history

Lots of info here and a helpline:
https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/

The UK's Eating Disorder Charity - Beat

Struggling with an eating disorder? Caring for someone who is? Beat is here to support you.

https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk

Original poster
JaneEyre40 · 23/08/2025 15:38

LittleYellowQueen · 23/08/2025 15:37

Well if it's a binge eating disorder what do you actually want him to do? I've got a binge eating disorder and it's not the kind of thing you can pop to the GP and get help with because it's not as easy as saying "just don't eat it" and that's all a GP has ever done for me.

I want to help him.

OP posts:
MounjaroMounjaro · 23/08/2025 15:40

Actually I'd be really pissed off if someone pulled me up on what I was eating. Yes, if I was eating someone else's treats, that would be worth hauling someone up, but if he fancies eating something, who are you to tell him off? As for someone's suggestion about putting the wrappers in front of him - do you really think that's the way to deal with an adult who's just eaten some chocolate? He's not in prison - let him eat what he wants! If he complains about his weight just say well those chocolate bars are high calorie and leave it at that.

RightOnTheEdge · 23/08/2025 15:42

Well I think "confront" is the wrong way to go about it, but sitting down and having a kind conversation about it would be better.

It probably will be embarrassing for him so he might not take it well and be defensive though.
If he doesn't want help to try to stop the binging or talk about it, then at least you can ask him to stop his moaning.

BeltaLodaLife · 23/08/2025 15:43

MounjaroMounjaro · 23/08/2025 15:40

Actually I'd be really pissed off if someone pulled me up on what I was eating. Yes, if I was eating someone else's treats, that would be worth hauling someone up, but if he fancies eating something, who are you to tell him off? As for someone's suggestion about putting the wrappers in front of him - do you really think that's the way to deal with an adult who's just eaten some chocolate? He's not in prison - let him eat what he wants! If he complains about his weight just say well those chocolate bars are high calorie and leave it at that.

Yes, let’s all ignore it when our loved ones are showing signs of eating disorders and binging and eating themselves into an early grave.

Some families might be like that, don’t talk about anything uncomfortable. But most of us actually talk to our loved ones. The OP needs to talk to him.

Theoturkeyflieswest · 23/08/2025 15:43

He's eating his feelings
He needs to talk
NHS do talking space if counselling is to expensive

JLou08 · 23/08/2025 15:44

I often eat a family size bar of chocolate. I'd be pretty pissed off if my DH seen it as some big issue and decided to talk to me about my 'binging '.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 23/08/2025 15:45

Been there

He doesn't sound like he is doing so well, op

Could he reduce hours at work, find ways to cut out stress? Start therapy?

BeltaLodaLife · 23/08/2025 15:45

JLou08 · 23/08/2025 15:44

I often eat a family size bar of chocolate. I'd be pretty pissed off if my DH seen it as some big issue and decided to talk to me about my 'binging '.

He’s eating two or three a week. If you’re also doing that then you need help with your binging.

Enrichetta · 23/08/2025 15:46

if he fancies eating something, who are you to tell him off?

But someone who binge eats two or three chocolate bars a week isn’t just having a little bit of what they fancy… This man will ruin his health if he continues.

@JaneEyre40 - what are you guys eating, who does the shopping and cooking? Could you exercise together?

I think a gentle talk and communication is the way to go. I certainly would not ‘confront’ him.

AugustTurningToSeptember · 23/08/2025 15:48

Addictions develop from something that starts as a solution to a problem. As pp have suggested eating your feelings does help people cope. The opposite of addiction is not abstinence (don’t do it, go to the gym etc strategies are shaming and don’t work) instead it’s connection. What connected you when you got together? My DH and I go on walks, to cinema or to the pub for a meal as they’re the things we did together when we started dating.

Original poster
JaneEyre40 · 23/08/2025 15:53

MounjaroMounjaro · 23/08/2025 15:40

Actually I'd be really pissed off if someone pulled me up on what I was eating. Yes, if I was eating someone else's treats, that would be worth hauling someone up, but if he fancies eating something, who are you to tell him off? As for someone's suggestion about putting the wrappers in front of him - do you really think that's the way to deal with an adult who's just eaten some chocolate? He's not in prison - let him eat what he wants! If he complains about his weight just say well those chocolate bars are high calorie and leave it at that.

The point is, I'm not supposed to know about the chocolate. Obviously I'm not going to put the wrappers in front of him, he's not 5. But, he's lethargic and complaining about it and it's affecting him.

OP posts:
Original poster
JaneEyre40 · 23/08/2025 15:55

Enrichetta · 23/08/2025 15:46

if he fancies eating something, who are you to tell him off?

But someone who binge eats two or three chocolate bars a week isn’t just having a little bit of what they fancy… This man will ruin his health if he continues.

@JaneEyre40 - what are you guys eating, who does the shopping and cooking? Could you exercise together?

I think a gentle talk and communication is the way to go. I certainly would not ‘confront’ him.

We are really healthy (on the surface) I don't eat anything unhealthy other than the odd croissant or a few squares of dark chocolate. He eats the same as me (in plain sight).

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 23/08/2025 15:56

He knows, you don't need to tell him. What he needs is help to understand that the strategy of the child (chocolate = happiness) isn't appropriate for the adult. I just made a short video on the subject.

Original poster
JaneEyre40 · 23/08/2025 15:56

BeltaLodaLife · 23/08/2025 15:43

Yes, let’s all ignore it when our loved ones are showing signs of eating disorders and binging and eating themselves into an early grave.

Some families might be like that, don’t talk about anything uncomfortable. But most of us actually talk to our loved ones. The OP needs to talk to him.

Show quote history

Thank you.

OP posts:
BeltaLodaLife · 23/08/2025 15:56

JaneEyre40 · 23/08/2025 15:53

The point is, I'm not supposed to know about the chocolate. Obviously I'm not going to put the wrappers in front of him, he's not 5. But, he's lethargic and complaining about it and it's affecting him.

Show quote history

Well, he’s going to deny it and you’re not going to have any sort of open and honest discussion about what is wrong and what is going on.

Original poster
JaneEyre40 · 23/08/2025 15:57

Eyesopenwideawake · 23/08/2025 15:56

He knows, you don't need to tell him. What he needs is help to understand that the strategy of the child (chocolate = happiness) isn't appropriate for the adult. I just made a short video on the subject.

The thing is, he is absolutely aware, he is a highly intelligent man which is why this behaviour is so troubling.

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 23/08/2025 15:58

JaneEyre40 · 23/08/2025 15:57

The thing is, he is absolutely aware, he is a highly intelligent man which is why this behaviour is so troubling.

Show quote history

Logically yes, but this is an emotional issue not a rational one.

labamba18 · 23/08/2025 15:58

MounjaroMounjaro · 23/08/2025 15:40

Actually I'd be really pissed off if someone pulled me up on what I was eating. Yes, if I was eating someone else's treats, that would be worth hauling someone up, but if he fancies eating something, who are you to tell him off? As for someone's suggestion about putting the wrappers in front of him - do you really think that's the way to deal with an adult who's just eaten some chocolate? He's not in prison - let him eat what he wants! If he complains about his weight just say well those chocolate bars are high calorie and leave it at that.

Yes I agree would make me feel like a child.