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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To confront DH over bingeing

233 replies

JaneEyre40 · 23/08/2025 15:31

No not alcohol, chocolate. I've found the remains of family sized chocolate bars that have been eaten in one sitting secretly by my DH, up to 2/3 a week. I wouldn't have a problem with this if it weren't in secret! He also complains about feeling unfit, wanting to get healthy but does nothing about it. Things are slightly stressful at home but not to the degree that you'd need a binge to ease it. Am I being unreasonable to bring it up and ask if he's ok? Not unreasonable being I do bring it up with him.

OP posts:
Cherryicecreamx · 23/08/2025 16:25

How long has it been going on for? You said it's been a bit stressful at home, perhaps he just needs a temporary outlet. You also said about being lethargic and I can get like that too and a chocolate bar really is a quick fix!
If it's not too often, or hasn't been going on for very long I think I would just keep an eye on it as he might be able to wean himself off it. He's hiding it because he's ashamed - maybe he needs some time to work though it himself before approaching it?

melodypondisasuperhero · 23/08/2025 16:25

What is a family sized chocolate bar? Are we talking 100g? 200? 400?

doodleschnoodle · 23/08/2025 16:28

Cadburys do 120g bars for example which are about two normal bars together. I don’t think a couple of bars of that over a week is very problematic, a lot of people have a standard chocolate bar a day. Not saying it’s massively healthy but sounds like he has a very good diet otherwise. 500g bars or something then that’s different!

WallaceinAnderland · 23/08/2025 16:29

He's an adult. He can eat what he wants, when he wants. You have no right to police him.

hangerup · 23/08/2025 16:30

What's a family sized choc bar?

hangerup · 23/08/2025 16:31

But someone who binge eats two or three chocolate bars a week isn’t just having a little bit of what they fancy… This man will ruin his health if he continues.

I eat chocolate most days

shuggles · 23/08/2025 16:32

BeltaLodaLife · 23/08/2025 16:25

Family sized chocolate bars, in secret, whilst talking about his fitness levels and wanting to sort things out.

That’s called binge eating.

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No, binge eating is eating a lot of food in a short period of time, continuing after you feel full.

Eating family sized chocolate bars in secret is due to minor embarassment.

Eating chocolate while wanting to sort out your own fitness is not uncommon, and it's simply a case of cognitive dissonance. How many people on mumsnet talk about wanting to be healthy while continuing to consume alcohol?

JLou08 · 23/08/2025 16:33

BeltaLodaLife · 23/08/2025 16:21

And adult with a binge eating disorder. Not exactly the easiest to have an open discussion with. Addicts always deny. And sometimes they really believe their own denials, as we’ve seen on this thread. I’m just saying; having the proof wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, just in case you need it.

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You can't diagnose someone with a binge eating disorder, a serious mental health condition, based on them eating chocolate three times a week. That would be like saying someone is anorexic because they missed dinner a few times a week

Hayley1256 · 23/08/2025 16:34

Does he eat in secret as he knows if he does in front of you then you'll judge him? When you say family something bars - ade these the ones that aren't much bigger than what use to ne a normal sized chocolate bar or the giant ones people tend to get at Xmas?

hangerup · 23/08/2025 16:34

We're talking about someone who eats 2 - 3 chocolate bars a week here.

Only on MNs will 2-3 bars of choc in an otherwise healthy diet send you to an early grave or mean you are a binge eater 😆

hangerup · 23/08/2025 16:35

Eating chocolate while wanting to sort out your own fitness is not uncommon, and it's simply a case of cognitive dissonance. How many people on mumsnet talk about wanting to be healthy while continuing to consume alcohol?

Quite

FridayFeelingmidweek · 23/08/2025 16:36

I eat a lot of chocolate, especially when I'm taking a break from alcohol. TBH, I often stash choc bars away for no other reason than it really annoys me when my family eat my stuff (yes, I'm menopausal). Certainly would think it was odd it dh challenged me on how much I was eating. I might understand if I was overweight. Is that the issue? In which case, just be kind, say something humorous 'you'll get a toothache with all those' and then gently check in to see if he's OK and maybe stress eating?

hangerup · 23/08/2025 16:36

Does he eat in secret as he knows if he does in front of you then you'll judge him?

He's probably hiding it because he doesn't want to be accused of binging!

Dublassie · 23/08/2025 16:36

A 'binge eating disorder' over a few bars a week for a grown man ?? In my opinion that is NOT a disorder . He likes chocolate .
OP are you maybe very rigid about health and being fit etc. so he might feel his love of a bit of Cadburys is somehow shameful and he needs to hide it .
If he was eating 15 bars in one sitting it might be an issue .....

Poodlelove · 23/08/2025 16:36

It will make him feel worse.
I know so many people who do this , and have done for many years.
He knows that he shouldn't do this.
Does he eat alot of food that you know about too.
Is he overweight?
Where did he put the wrappers ?

YetiRosetti · 23/08/2025 16:37

JaneEyre40 · 23/08/2025 16:07

THANK YOU!!! This makes do much sense. When you feel good you don't feel the need to eat the chocolate.

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Sorry OP but these are the words of someone who doesn’t suffer with unmanageable food noise. Some people have an irresistible urge to eat whether they are ecstatic, distraught or anywhere in between.

You mention having a very healthy diet yourself and that’s fantastic, but I do wonder if maybe you aren’t fully appreciating how difficult it is for people who crave sweet treats not to have them. I never mention wanting to lose weight to anyone because it’s boring but I am forever unhappy about my size, and yet still eat chocolate - because I can’t help it. And that has been the case my whole life, and that remains the case even though I’ve had CBT, counselling, the works.

This isn’t something he can help and it doesn’t undermine his feelings about his size and his feeling tired.

IThinkPink · 23/08/2025 16:37

JLou08 · 23/08/2025 15:44

I often eat a family size bar of chocolate. I'd be pretty pissed off if my DH seen it as some big issue and decided to talk to me about my 'binging '.

I’ve never seen one!

what is a ‘family size’ bar?

hangerup · 23/08/2025 16:38

When you feel good you don't feel the need to eat the chocolate.

But it's nice! 😆

BountifulPantry · 23/08/2025 16:38

Next time he complains just say you don’t want to hear it- he isn’t eating healthily and there are consequences that he has to accept.

He can eat what he wants but you don’t have to listen to his whinging.

DiscoBob · 23/08/2025 16:40

Why was he hoarding several weeks worth of chocolate wrappers?

Probably because he thinks the food police are out in force. You want to confront a grown man because he eats a couple chocolate bars a week?

That's not even bingeing. I used to binge on several in an hour. Every day. And even then I wouldn't have appreciated being confronted.

Eating isn't a crime!

YetiRosetti · 23/08/2025 16:40

BountifulPantry · 23/08/2025 16:38

Next time he complains just say you don’t want to hear it- he isn’t eating healthily and there are consequences that he has to accept.

He can eat what he wants but you don’t have to listen to his whinging.

This would be really cruel.

gamerchick · 23/08/2025 16:40

JaneEyre40 · 23/08/2025 15:37

But, when he complains about not working out and feeling out of shape constantly it's so hard to bite my tongue, he's actively hindering getting in shape or at least being as healthy as he says he wants to be.

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I'd save them for next time he whinges.

The conversation will go one of 2 ways. I probably wouldn't bring it up otherwise.

Enrichetta · 23/08/2025 16:40

I eat a lot of chocolate, especially when I'm taking a break from alcohol. …

And you don’t think you have a problem?

Glowingup · 23/08/2025 16:41

Jesus please don’t do this - genuinely. He can eat what he likes and if he’s hiding it from you either he feels ashamed (but for many it’s so hard to control) or he feels you will judge him (you clearly don’t have the same tendency to crave chocolate). It’s also deeply ingrained and not the sort of thing you can “just stop”.
Plus from someone who has BED, family sized chocolate a few times a week is nothing. I was consuming 10,000 calories in a day at my worst.

mikado1 · 23/08/2025 16:41

Binge eating to me is inhaling large quantities of food past the point of full without it touching the sides.
Lone eating of large bars a few times a week could be just some me time to take the edge off/relax, similar to someone else having a nice glass of wine. I often see people for example sitting eating in the supermarket car park, most I'm sure just having a time out and a sugar fix. Not ideal but not life threatening in moderation.
I definitely did a lot of bingeing and a family bar wouldn't cut it, as it just flicks a switch for more.
Any shaming or catching out etc will do the opposite of help if there is an issue. You are right that it just adds to lethargy, and certainly doesn't give me an energy boost, I feel more like lying down after if!! And the more you eat, the more you need next time. For me it's often when I'm tired I'll lose resolve, for others it's stress and even genuine hunger.