Page 4 | To confront DH over bingeing

JaneEyre40 · 2025-08-23T14:31:39+00:00

No not alcohol, chocolate. I've found the remains of family sized chocolate bars that have been eaten in one sitting secretly by my DH, up to 2/3 a week. I wouldn't have a problem with this if it weren't in secret! He also complains about feeling unfit, wanting to get healthy but does nothing about it. Things are slightly stressful at home but not to the degree that you'd need a binge to ease it. Am I being unreasonable to bring it up and ask if he's ok? Not unreasonable being I do bring it up with him.

gamerchick · 23/08/2025 16:41

YetiRosetti · 23/08/2025 16:40

This would be really cruel.

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Having to repeatedly listen to someone whinge, about something that is within their control is cruel.

Glowingup · 23/08/2025 16:42

gamerchick · 23/08/2025 16:41

Having to repeatedly listen to someone whinge, about something that is within their control is cruel.

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You don’t understand that food issues are often not within our control at all.

Dublassie · 23/08/2025 16:42

Enrichetta · 23/08/2025 16:40

I eat a lot of chocolate, especially when I'm taking a break from alcohol. …

And you don’t think you have a problem?

Are you joking ??

hangerup · 23/08/2025 16:43

And you don’t think you have a problem?

I eat chocolate most days? Do you think I have a problem?

YetiRosetti · 23/08/2025 16:43

gamerchick · 23/08/2025 16:41

Having to repeatedly listen to someone whinge, about something that is within their control is cruel.

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I cannot believe in 2025 anyone still believes that what people eat is necessarily in their control.

gamerchick · 23/08/2025 16:43

Glowingup · 23/08/2025 16:42

You don’t understand that food issues are often not within our control at all.

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I know, but constantly complaining is within your control.

hangerup · 23/08/2025 16:45

I know, but constantly complaining is within your control.

Well it depends doesn't it. my friend complains about being short a lot, chocolate won't fix that.

hangerup · 23/08/2025 16:45

You can eat chocolate & still be healthy. I know mind blowing!

TabbyCatInAPoolofSunshine · 23/08/2025 16:46

myplace · 23/08/2025 16:05

The majority of things you might think of doing it will make it worse. You said he’s highly intelligent. He doesn’t need you to tell him the problem or solution.

He’s hiding the wrapper because he’s ashamed. Anything you do directly will make it worse. DH used to tease me about food- oooh, what have you got?! What are you having? What’s that?!
It just builds the overwhelming anxiety about scarcity, abstinence, denial etc.

The issue here isn’t chocolate.

The issue is an underlying problem where chocolate feels like the answer.

Work with him on managing stress, healthy lifestyle and open communication. Sharing feelings. How to comfort yourself when you are feeling fed up/overtired.

I literally had no one being nice to me when I’d had a hard day. No one who cared if I was upset and comforted me. No one who helped me work off stress. Do all that with him- hopefully it’s reciprocal- and you’ll have a healthier relationship as well as husband.

Hopefully at some point you can let it slip that you know he uses chocolate as a comforter, and that’s ok. Because it is. He shouldn’t need to feel shamed about a strategy that isn’t totally ineffective. In the moment, it works.

This.

I must say I eat in secret when I am feeling particularly hemmed in and observed, without more than the five minutes it takes to eat something comforting in secret to myself - it began when I was severely sleep deprived with several very young children (one of whom was a very poor sleeper) and although I enjoyed my children was feeling trapped without anything of my own (we'd moved abroad between pregnancies, I was grappling with life being in a new language and my qualifications not being recognised and not being able to find work until I'd learnt the language properly, which slammed my self esteem as I felt dependent, insufficient, and as if I was not in control).

Most eating disorders are not about looks or weight but about control and autonomy.

gamerchick · 23/08/2025 16:46

I'm happy to support and wave pompoms for anyone willing to help themselves. I do not, want to listen to whinging about it. I'm not a bottomless emotional account that people can just make a withdrawal from wherever they feel like it.

Thebigonesgetaway · 23/08/2025 16:47

BeltaLodaLife · 23/08/2025 15:37

I’d just put the wrappers down in front of him when you’re both in the same room and ask what’s going on. There really is no nice way to do it, but I agree that it needs done. So bite the bullet, show him the wrappers and ask what’s is going on.

Please don’t do this, it is so shaming and no way to treat someone you’re supposed to love,

TomatoSandwiches · 23/08/2025 16:48

I don't think I'd class this as binge eating, but definitely comfort eating, he is using it in place of something but of course it will be making him feel crappy with blood glucose spikes and crashes.
Perhaps you could see if he would have a diabetes check up, you could do it as a couple, like an MOT and go from there?

Original poster

JaneEyre40 · 23/08/2025 16:49

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 23/08/2025 16:21

There must be more to this, a grown man can eat a family sized chocolate bar , I could and several times a week. Perhaps he’s not hiding it and he’s just ate it when you haven’t been around and not little wrappers in the bin. I’d just call him a piggy and get on with my day tbh.

Wow...no.

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thebrollachan · 23/08/2025 16:49

I still don't have much insight into the problem. How big are the bars? How well hidden were the wrappers? Is he fat? Otherwise healthy? It's possible to eat chocolate and still be fit. Does he need to up his healthy calorific intake? Are you very controlling about what you both eat? Maybe it's just a tiny rebellion on his part.

Original poster

JaneEyre40 · 23/08/2025 16:50

hangerup · 23/08/2025 16:45

You can eat chocolate & still be healthy. I know mind blowing!

Not the point of my post 🙄

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TomatoSandwiches · 23/08/2025 16:50

gamerchick · 23/08/2025 16:46

I'm happy to support and wave pompoms for anyone willing to help themselves. I do not, want to listen to whinging about it. I'm not a bottomless emotional account that people can just make a withdrawal from wherever they feel like it.

Yes there's only so much whining one person can be expected to listen to.

Anna467 · 23/08/2025 16:50

A large chocolate bar a couple of times a week is not binge eating. If he's doing it in secret it's probably just because he knows it's not ideal and wants to make out he's super healthy.

I'd certainly be bringing it up, I'm not having someone whinging on to me about how they're unfit and want to be healthier while eating large chocolate bars. Honestly all this pussy footing around over a couple of large bars of chocolate, if he wants to eat them then that's fine, but don't be whining on about wanting to be healthy.

Everyone can help it, I know that because I'm a complete chocoholic - I could easily eat a twirl, snickers and bar of Turkish Delight or a whole packet of chocolate biscuits in one sitting. So i make sure I don't have it in the house and that I have other healthier things I can snack on instead including 100% dark sugar free chocolate - you can't eat much of that in one sitting.

A lot of people just don't want to take any responsibility for their own choices and because non one wants to mention it it just has spirals and gets worse and worse. I'd raise it now OP before he gets any deeper into it or before you know it he'll be having a bar every day of the week.

OnePinkDeer · 23/08/2025 16:51

BeltaLodaLife · 23/08/2025 15:37

I’d just put the wrappers down in front of him when you’re both in the same room and ask what’s going on. There really is no nice way to do it, but I agree that it needs done. So bite the bullet, show him the wrappers and ask what’s is going on.

Oh ffs my mum did that when I was 12 and she found something I shouldn't have done. Are you his mother?

If he isnt massively over weight id leave him alone.

Yesterday was a rough day at work, I had a breakfast bap from Leon, a Krispy Kreme and 2 chocolate bars over the day. Unhealthy ...yes. I dont do it often and am not massively overweight.

usedtobeaylis · 23/08/2025 16:52

When you're the one who is binging it's really hard to know other people know about it. It's embarrassing. That's why we hide it. However I also think it's necessary for him to know you know. For now I would just let him know you found all this wrappers and you're there if he wants to talk.

Original poster

JaneEyre40 · 23/08/2025 16:53

WallaceinAnderland · 23/08/2025 16:29

He's an adult. He can eat what he wants, when he wants. You have no right to police him.

🙄

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bumblingbovine49 · 23/08/2025 16:53

Is this bingeing fairly new behaviour? Has it coincided with his talk about getting fitter ?

If you have a binge eating disorder, these things often go hand in hand. He really needs to talk to someone who specialises in food disorders. The sooner the better as when this hiding of food and associated shame starts to become entrenched, it is very difficult to treat

Bromptotoo · 23/08/2025 16:53

JaneEyre40 · 23/08/2025 15:32

Bumping as I want to bring it up today.

Bumping after 1 minute!!!

Placeholder16 · 23/08/2025 16:54

JaneEyre40 · 23/08/2025 15:55

We are really healthy (on the surface) I don't eat anything unhealthy other than the odd croissant or a few squares of dark chocolate. He eats the same as me (in plain sight).

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This might be a bit of the problem. I grew up in a household where my Mum saw the odd croissant or a few squares of dark chocolate as a treat, and enough to satisfy you. She doesn’t have a sweet tooth (fair enough) but as a result sugary foods were very much seen as the enemy. I left home a long time ago, but I can guarantee my Dad still has a packet of biscuits in the car, because he’d feel judged for having them in the house, and both my siblings and I have ended up with a distorted relationship with treats, puddings etc. because we were told they were unnecessary (and I know, they are, but they’re also fine to enjoy).

I’m not saying his consumption is healthy, just that the hiding it/guilt/talking about getting fit might be coming from him feeling his needs are different from yours, but that he can’t express that for whatever reason, and is therefore displaying unhealthy behaviour.

Original poster

JaneEyre40 · 23/08/2025 16:54

thebrollachan · 23/08/2025 16:49

I still don't have much insight into the problem. How big are the bars? How well hidden were the wrappers? Is he fat? Otherwise healthy? It's possible to eat chocolate and still be fit. Does he need to up his healthy calorific intake? Are you very controlling about what you both eat? Maybe it's just a tiny rebellion on his part.

That's ok, the people sending good advice got the point of the post.

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Original poster

JaneEyre40 · 23/08/2025 16:55

Placeholder16 · 23/08/2025 16:54

This might be a bit of the problem. I grew up in a household where my Mum saw the odd croissant or a few squares of dark chocolate as a treat, and enough to satisfy you. She doesn’t have a sweet tooth (fair enough) but as a result sugary foods were very much seen as the enemy. I left home a long time ago, but I can guarantee my Dad still has a packet of biscuits in the car, because he’d feel judged for having them in the house, and both my siblings and I have ended up with a distorted relationship with treats, puddings etc. because we were told they were unnecessary (and I know, they are, but they’re also fine to enjoy).

I’m not saying his consumption is healthy, just that the hiding it/guilt/talking about getting fit might be coming from him feeling his needs are different from yours, but that he can’t express that for whatever reason, and is therefore displaying unhealthy behaviour.

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This in a nutshell I think

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