To confront DH over bingeing

[JaneEyre40]

No not alcohol, chocolate. I've found the remains of family sized chocolate bars that have been eaten in one sitting secretly by my DH, up to 2/3 a week. I wouldn't have a problem with this if it weren't in secret! He also complains about feeling unfit, wanting to get healthy but does nothing about it. Things are slightly stressful at home but not to the degree that you'd need a binge to ease it. Am I being unreasonable to bring it up and ask if he's ok? Not unreasonable being I do bring it up with him.

Exactly.

I was just saying to my DP how sadly ineffective our GPs have been (over many years) about many of our & the kids’ problems from orthorexic eating to eczema to arthritis to hormonal issues and depression.

’Stop eating cheese’ was a memorable one.

No, I actually care about him you see.

I do it more than that some weeks. I don't need help. I'm in good health, I just enjoy chocolate.

Can send you the YouTube link if you think it might help him.

That's a problem.

I think talking first would be better.

You have more than 3 family sizes chocolate bars a week? That is more than just enjoying chocolate. That is a problem.

We will because he's an adult.

The majority of things you might think of doing it will make it worse. You said he’s highly intelligent. He doesn’t need you to tell him the problem or solution.

He’s hiding the wrapper because he’s ashamed. Anything you do directly will make it worse. DH used to tease me about food- oooh, what have you got?! What are you having? What’s that?!
It just builds the overwhelming anxiety about scarcity, abstinence, denial etc.

The issue here isn’t chocolate.

The issue is an underlying problem where chocolate feels like the answer.

Work with him on managing stress, healthy lifestyle and open communication. Sharing feelings. How to comfort yourself when you are feeling fed up/overtired.

I literally had no one being nice to me when I’d had a hard day. No one who cared if I was upset and comforted me. No one who helped me work off stress. Do all that with him- hopefully it’s reciprocal- and you’ll have a healthier relationship as well as husband.

Hopefully at some point you can let it slip that you know he uses chocolate as a comforter, and that’s ok. Because it is. He shouldn’t need to feel shamed about a strategy that isn’t totally ineffective. In the moment, it works.

Maybe start with a general chat if you think this is MH driven - are you feeling ok, anything getting you down?
Or - both of you sign up to a new healthy eating plan and be clear about what treats you’ll each have over a week etc?

I don’t think there’s a particularly kind way to say - I’ve found choccie wrappers, what’s going on. If you feel that’s a conversation that needs to happen maybe do it when you’re both relaxed, before dinner (not when eating!) and when you’re both not distracted by tv etc.

You sound like you’re very sensitive to DH and I wish you both well

THANK YOU!!! This makes do much sense. When you feel good you don't feel the need to eat the chocolate.

I like chocolate but can live without it for weeks at a time. When I want some though, I don't want a few squares of dark chocolate. I want a large bar of fruit and nut all to myself.

If you don’t mind me saying, you are looking at this in a rather concrete way.

A problem that you will take a hammer and chisel to and get it sorted.

It’s much harder than that- more like herding cats.

It's not crack cocaine, it's chocolate. It's only about 500 calories per bar. Probably less than someone who decides to have a desert a couple of times a week or gets large Starbucks lattes every morning.

If you both eat exactly the same, he's not getting enough calories. Also, what do you mean by a family-sized bar, in grams?

The issue is an underlying problem where chocolate feels like the answer.

I think all you can do is continue to support him and try and find a way of actively but subtly promoting a healthy lifestyle - and gently raise the issue when you can sense that he is ready to talk about it.

Do you ever exercise and/or play sports together?

I dunno is there a reason he’d hide it from you, does he expect you to be judgemental?

I wouldn’t honestly think much about someone eating a lot of chocolate 2/3 times a week. Maybe just let him know gently you’re aware so he’s comfortable to eat it with you around.

If I were you I’d probably talk about how I could support with the things causing the stressful situations at home rather than eating too much a few times a week. Sounds like he needs support with the root cause rather than the eating which would probably help him to look after himself more.

There must be more to this, a grown man can eat a family sized chocolate bar , I could and several times a week. Perhaps he’s not hiding it and he’s just ate it when you haven’t been around and not little wrappers in the bin. I’d just call him a piggy and get on with my day tbh.

And adult with a binge eating disorder. Not exactly the easiest to have an open discussion with. Addicts always deny. And sometimes they really believe their own denials, as we’ve seen on this thread. I’m just saying; having the proof wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, just in case you need it.

@Enrichetta But someone who binge eats two or three chocolate bars a week isn’t just having a little bit of what they fancy… This man will ruin his health if he continues.

I think that's a bit extreme. I think two or three bars a week is a completely normal amount for a healthy person.

People who are overweight or who have difficulty controlling what they eat will be eating a lot more than two to three bars a week.

Sorry, a binge eating disorder?

We're talking about someone who eats 2 - 3 chocolate bars a week here.

Family sized chocolate bars, in secret, whilst talking about his fitness levels and wanting to sort things out.

That’s called binge eating.

What size of ‘family bar’ are we talking about? Obscenely large like a comedy chocolate bar or one of those ones that’s basically the size of 2 or 3 normal chocolate bars?

What is a family sized chocolate bar? Are we talking 100g? 200? 400?