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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think think this is now becoming disrespectful?

304 replies

JustSamantha · 23/08/2025 03:53

so I wrote a post a while ago about my daughter who is 19.
She was not helping round the house or doing anything and also being disrespectful
she has since got an apprentiship that She started this week which is a Positive thing but She is still being disrespectful.
The other week She messaged from her room saying she got her exam Results but She had Failed and That she was so upset and doesnt know what to do. Now with me being half asleep I replied saying "well yoU Skipped Countless lessons so it is not a supprise' as the background is that she didn't try at college she kept skipping lessons not revising or studying at home ect so it was already a sore topic as it is
She then came to me when I was still half asleep and said "I passed really " so I told her i dont beleive she did as I was confused as she just told me she failed plus she has previously lied about passing things before when she didn't
Anyway she fell out with me saying I wasn't showing I was proud she passed so I said sorry I didn't show as much joy as I maybe should have but she told me she failed at first and my brain was still processing that. I hate these pranks it causes confusion to me but at least I apologised and recognised I should have taken the joke but I was half asleep as it was very early. Anyway she won't accept my apology and is giving the silent treatment saying' dad was right about you " I see right through you now" " you will never change"
Her dad degraded me a lot in front of the kids and to them.He told them a Lot of bad things about me that was not true so I am already the bad guy so any tiny mistake I make she will hold a grudge for months and I genuinely have to beg for forgiveness. It takes months to get her to be ok with me over minor things, I ask her to tidy-up after herself she says oh the other kids don't have to even though they are just kids she's 19 so then she will message her dad telling him I treat her differently so I no longer ask her to do anything in the house. She won't even wash her own plate, she today wanted to rub salt in the wounds by saying her and her dad have lunch together on her breaks at her apprentiship. Making digs like oh ill be giving my dad 600 pound of my wages to my dad to save and manage for me as he looks out for me
I asked her dad to have her living with him but he ignored me email, I asked her to move in with her dad she ignores me, am I being unreasonable to think she's taking things too far and I'm not in the wrong to be upset?

OP posts:
cinnamonbunlover · 23/08/2025 04:18

sympathies op she sounds completely intolerable. She is almost bullying you? Goading about her dad and “pranking” you which I hate - I don’t get pranks or “kidding” at all.

she needs to start paying rent for a start now she has a job. 33% for the first 6 months sounds reasonable? If she manages this she can the reduce to 25%

She needs to cook her own food and wash her own clothes (not always practical I realise) and keep her room clean and tidy and not have her stuff all over the house.

stop paying for anything like phones or gym.

in think your response was fair to the exams failure. I really think you need to have sit down and chat with the other kids out of the way about the new rules and she simply cannot be rude and disrespectful to the person who houses her and of course loves her.

A positive thing to do have a look at her wages together and help her plan for the next year. Saving so much for a holiday and Xmas. What does she want - a car or driving lessons? Help her save towards it. You can charge her rent and save it for her future or use it.

This will be a nice thing to do together. How much she will have each month to spend on herself without burning through the whole lot (like I did)

Whether or not she will be receptive is a different matter.

if not she needs to find her own place. ideally her dads. Keep emailing him!

butterfly1234 · 23/08/2025 04:20

The other week She messaged from her room saying she got her exam Results but She had Failed and That she was so upset and doesnt know what to do. Now with me being half asleep I replied saying "well yoU Skipped Countless lessons so it is not a supprise'

Your relationship shounds unhealthy on both sides. Of course she was going to be upset with your response. It doesn't sound like a bad idea sending her to live with her dad. Why is she/he choosing not to?

GarlicLitre · 23/08/2025 04:31

She told you she failed her exams and was upset. You responded by saying you weren't surprised because she's useless. Nice.

I imagine she did this knowing you wouldn't show any faith in her. It was immature, but she is immature. You're her adult. Sounds like you've got into the habit of telling her everything that's wrong with her - I understand that the background means you've got hurt feelings so you're kind of biting back, but is this healthy for anyone in the family or helpful to her?

I don't know whether it's too late to turn this around now, but I'd give it a go if I were you - like an adult. Try and understand that being told they're always failing makes young people feel it's not even worth trying to succeed. See if you can help her - and yourself. Good luck.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 23/08/2025 04:37

Your response to the exam text was horrible. It sounds like you are both as bad as each other.

Trallers · 23/08/2025 04:41

I'm sorry but I think your reaction to her 'failing' is a really big deal. Obviously she set a trap for you, which isn't a nice thing to do, but you leaped into it. You had an opportunity to be supportive and encouraging in (what you thought at the time to be) a disastrous moment for her and instead made her feel crappy and small. I don't think you can minimise how disappointed she must be with how much you didn't come through for her and she will have have taken it as confirmation of everything she thought of you before (whether that's fair or not).

It sounds like then paradigm of how you relate to each other needs changing. It's full if mistrust on both sides, but as the mum you have to lead the way. I've no doubt that's hard with a difficult relationship hiatory with her dad. Would you consider family counselling for the 2 of you?

Ponderingwindow · 23/08/2025 04:45

The moment your child gets extremely disappointing news is not the time to pile on with a life lesson. If that is your normal parenting model, I’m not surprised you have a generally unhealthy dynamic at all times.

why not treat her new position as a chance to start fresh. She is entering a new phase of life. Sit down together and agree on new rules of operation for both of you.

curious79 · 23/08/2025 05:04

She played a stupid joke(?) on you and your response was nasty and demeaning

she’s now reacting with (learned?) offensiveness / attack

Theres no adult in your relationship with your DD

i dong know what the answer is but it could involve lots of therapy and definitely you looking inwards first and foremost

PollyBell · 23/08/2025 05:09

There has to come a point where a child is responsible for their actions but what has happened to her throughout her life that has made her this way? What was her childhood like? Is she acting as immature as you are?

Being rude is no excuse but think hard why is she this way?

Can't say you have done this or not but how many children are dragged up in unideal circumstances then parents wonder why it has gone wrong?

MikeRafone · 23/08/2025 05:24

Gosh she sounds like hard work

Don’t rise to it, ignore.

if she has an opinion about you that she wants to share - just say thanks for your opinion - don’t engage. If she pushes after that she is trying to goad you, don’t engage. You’re welcome to move out if you feel you’ll be happier, is another good phrase

19 year olds are so blinking sure they know it all

Dippythedino · 23/08/2025 05:29

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 23/08/2025 04:37

Your response to the exam text was horrible. It sounds like you are both as bad as each other.

She's learnt her communication style from you @JustSamantha have a good long hard think about that. The way you responded to her about failing her exams was disgusting and uncalled for.

This is a very confused young adult who is stuck between separated parents & who has social communication & behavioural issues. What kind of positive behaviour have you modelled for your daughter? Also, what kind of help and interventions have you accessed for your daughter in the past?

Your solution is to put her down and tell her how useless she is & then complain here about how disrespectful she is. Give your head a wobble.

Friendlygingercat · 23/08/2025 05:41

She is an adult. If a child of mine behaved towards me like that she would come home to find the locks changed and her belongings in a bin bag on the doorstep.

AbzMoz · 23/08/2025 05:58

At 19, she should have learned by now that she can’t have her cake and eat it.

Her options are to live in your house with courtesy, some chores/cleaning up after herself, some rent (or whatever), or move out. This doesn’t need to be a row - it’s one adult talking to another adult around how adults sort their living arrangements.

It isn’t for you to decide if she goes to the father (or anywhere else) if she doesn’t behave and needs to move out.

BunnyRuddington · 23/08/2025 06:17

Why are you trying to justify your reaction to the prank OP? It was bloody awful and I’m not surprised you have difficulty having a loving relationship with your DD. I think you need to apologise fully and frankly so she understands that you really mean it. Did she have any kind of reward from you for passing and getting the apprenticeship?

Zanatdy · 23/08/2025 06:34

Your reaction wasn’t great, but then her behaviour isn’t great. I’d tell her she either changes her attitude, or she moved in with her dad, or a room in a shared house etc. She is bullying you in your own home, and is lazy and entitled. I have a teen and she wouldn’t dare speak to me like that, i’ve always been very strict on respect as I can’t stand to see kids speaking to adults so rudely.

nomas · 23/08/2025 06:49

GarlicLitre · 23/08/2025 04:31

She told you she failed her exams and was upset. You responded by saying you weren't surprised because she's useless. Nice.

I imagine she did this knowing you wouldn't show any faith in her. It was immature, but she is immature. You're her adult. Sounds like you've got into the habit of telling her everything that's wrong with her - I understand that the background means you've got hurt feelings so you're kind of biting back, but is this healthy for anyone in the family or helpful to her?

I don't know whether it's too late to turn this around now, but I'd give it a go if I were you - like an adult. Try and understand that being told they're always failing makes young people feel it's not even worth trying to succeed. See if you can help her - and yourself. Good luck.

She told you she failed her exams and was upset. You responded by saying you weren't surprised because she's useless. Nice.

Wtf? OP never said she was useless. Are you the dd?

SheridansPortSalut · 23/08/2025 06:51

"well yoU Skipped Countless lessons so it is not a suprise"

That's a horrible thing to say. She's testing you and this is how you respond?

verycloakanddaggers · 23/08/2025 06:52

Your relationship clearly needs to change, and as the parent you have a responsibility to take a mature look at what's going on and what you need to do.

Why don't you think about your side of the problem? You can address that today.

There's no point moaning about her side when you are behaving inappropriately too.

Pricelessadvice · 23/08/2025 06:53

You both sound pretty awful. Telling her it was her fault she failed was unnecessary and not the time or place for it.

SadTimesInFife · 23/08/2025 07:14

Your daughter sounds like an insufferable bitch.
Or at least spoilt.
Good luck OP.

ComfortFoodCafe · 23/08/2025 07:22

Ugh she sounds like a insufferable little lazy spoilt brat. Good luck with that one. Id tell her either she bucks her ideas up & changes her attitude or she moves out.

Theunamedcat · 23/08/2025 07:25

If dad was so right about me and I never change why are you living here

Would be my response because your relationship is absolutely broken there is no fixing this she doesn't want to

Springadorable · 23/08/2025 07:28

Well she's not exactly had a shining example in communication and how to treat people with kindness from you has she? What a horrible thing to say to someone who you thought has failed.

beAsensible1 · 23/08/2025 07:42

You need to tell her to leave. She is rude and disrespectful.

If her dad is right then she can leave and go there.

Livelovebehappy · 23/08/2025 07:59

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 23/08/2025 04:37

Your response to the exam text was horrible. It sounds like you are both as bad as each other.

I don’t read it that way. Sounds like OP was constantly pulling her dd up on missing lessons, not studying etc, before the exams. Probably warned her she would fail if she didn’t put the effort in. I think in the circumstances, if she was my dd and told me she’d failed, I would also be saying something along the lines of, well I warned you this would happen. Otherwise, she will just repeat the pattern of putting little effort in and will fail again. The dd sounds really manipulative and I’d be gently suggesting to her to run it by her dad to move in with him for a while as it sounds like she’s unhappy living with OP.

Catwalking · 23/08/2025 08:14

Did DD fail or pass her exams?
Totally ridiculous to ‘joke’ by text (🙄) that she’d failed.

Perfect example of written word being useless for conveying true meaning.