To think think this is now becoming disrespectful?

[JustSamantha]

so I wrote a post a while ago about my daughter who is 19.
She was not helping round the house or doing anything and also being disrespectful
she has since got an apprentiship that She started this week which is a Positive thing but She is still being disrespectful.
The other week She messaged from her room saying she got her exam Results but She had Failed and That she was so upset and doesnt know what to do. Now with me being half asleep I replied saying "well yoU Skipped Countless lessons so it is not a supprise' as the background is that she didn't try at college she kept skipping lessons not revising or studying at home ect so it was already a sore topic as it is
She then came to me when I was still half asleep and said "I passed really " so I told her i dont beleive she did as I was confused as she just told me she failed plus she has previously lied about passing things before when she didn't
Anyway she fell out with me saying I wasn't showing I was proud she passed so I said sorry I didn't show as much joy as I maybe should have but she told me she failed at first and my brain was still processing that. I hate these pranks it causes confusion to me but at least I apologised and recognised I should have taken the joke but I was half asleep as it was very early. Anyway she won't accept my apology and is giving the silent treatment saying' dad was right about you " I see right through you now" " you will never change"
Her dad degraded me a lot in front of the kids and to them.He told them a Lot of bad things about me that was not true so I am already the bad guy so any tiny mistake I make she will hold a grudge for months and I genuinely have to beg for forgiveness. It takes months to get her to be ok with me over minor things, I ask her to tidy-up after herself she says oh the other kids don't have to even though they are just kids she's 19 so then she will message her dad telling him I treat her differently so I no longer ask her to do anything in the house. She won't even wash her own plate, she today wanted to rub salt in the wounds by saying her and her dad have lunch together on her breaks at her apprentiship. Making digs like oh ill be giving my dad 600 pound of my wages to my dad to save and manage for me as he looks out for me
I asked her dad to have her living with him but he ignored me email, I asked her to move in with her dad she ignores me, am I being unreasonable to think she's taking things too far and I'm not in the wrong to be upset?

Tough love response here.

It sounds pretty good she passed given what she has been exposed to from your degrading partner. But that's not your fault you were probably doing the best you could.

I think you were pretty vile in your response to when she said she failed. If she had failed I think she had pretty clear consequences from actions, why stick the boot in, unless you are just harbouring a whole lot of resentment. That's just petty. What would happen if you apologise and say sorry I fell short of my standards there, can we start afresh and agree some standards.

She sounds pretty confusing and hard work, so you should just keep emotions out of it, be firm, and aim for her to move out as soon as practically possible.

While she might be totally disorganised and rude she sounds like she does have some skills so she will probably do okay on her own and you will appreciate space too.

Sometimes mum's and daughters relationships just need to separate a bit. She's ultimately still just kid and you have years more life experience so you need to just be the bigger person. No mum has to be perfect, just good enough.

Since when has it become bad parenting to state the bleeding obvious of cause and effect? This is partly why poor white children do so badly in education compared to poor non-white children. All the children of my non-white friends are brought up totally differently. You won't hear a Chinese mum say 'ah never mind you failed, those exams must have been harder than usual' after a kid has pissed about for two years at college. If you skip countless lessons, you run a very high risk of failing and certainly of doing less well than you might otherwise.

There's a lot of posters on this thread trying to convince themselves of their own great parenting skills by piling on the OP.

Yes.

It’s do not tell.

He can tell her you don’t love her

But if it’s obvious that you do love her in everything you do with, and for, her then it’s very hard for his words to be meaningful.

Ok no one has to take accountability for their actions but me ok i get it

Oh come on! Unkindness doesn’t get you anywhere and it’s never good parenting.

Her dad has got into her head that you don’t love her. That is massive for a teen. So she is setting traps to see if he is right.

She is desperate for your affection and love. And yes she is acting up. Teens can be very similar to toddlers around this.

She knows she can’t rely on her dad so she doesn’t need to test him.

She wanted you to show that you love her. That is why the text response hurt her so much. There was no concern for her well-being at that time.

It will be hard for her to accept the apology as it won’t feel sincere and I think you are talking at cross purposes. Your reactions on here are very over-the-top, I suspect you are emotionally exhausted and are lashing out. But your daughter will also sense this and react accordingly.

Maybe look at why she's communicating with you in such an immature way. Yes, she's only 19, but who do we learn our communications skills from? I realise this is difficult but you too, sound rather immature communicator as a parent. One last thing, knowing she was getting her exam results that morning, I'd have been up and showing interest, not 'half asleep' whether I thought she had been a complete failure or not.

We all have to take accountability for our actions, and yes, that includes you.

But you don't seem to be ready to acknowledge your own mistakes just yet.

I somewhat doubt a Chinese tiger mum would have a child taking beauty or childcare or plastering or whatever vocational exams* OPs daughter was taking, allowed them to miss classes for a year then go onto an apprenticeship within a week

the comparison of a totally different culture and their reaction isn’t helpful at all.

I mean maybe they would’ve beaten her, presume you’re not advocating that OP / any other white working class parent adopts these methods of control?

*Op has made it clear they’re not a level results

But it’s ok for her to play mind games doing ‘tests’ that’s not kind either setting up your mum to fail knowing full well she caused me stress prior by not listening and attending college fully

OP sounds understandably defensive and I don’t see how 6 pages of pile on criticising her is supposed to help.

Op one thing that stuck me was your insistence on this apology acceptance. Just forget about it- what does it even mean to have an apology accepted? What difference does it make to you? It’s playing the game and allowing her to control the situation.

set boundaries. I apologised, I won’t do it again, speak to me when you’re ready. It makes no difference to you whether she’s chooses to accept it

Yup agree with this. Being a Disney mum doesn’t lead to good results and a good attitude.

I apologised that’s taking accountability
for someone to say ‘ I need time’ after an apology and not accepting or declining it is manipulation in my opinion and she has opened a door for me to go beg her every day apologise profusely and none stop then after a few weeks she will ‘ forgive me ‘
Doesn’t matter if she’s my child or not she is still being manipulative her being 18 doesn’t change the fact she’s being manipulative

But it’s ok for her to play mind games doing ‘tests’ that’s not kind either setting up your mum to fail knowing full well she caused me stress prior by not listening and attending college fully

Point out any single post that said her prank was ok - you can't because not a single person has said that.

You're not even going to get to the point of being able to deal with that with her if you don't accept - and genuinely accept - that your response to her text was shit.

It’s not okay but if you don’t rise above it and be the bigger person to make an effort to heal your relationship then you’ll be cutting your nose off to spite your face. Unless you don’t want a relationship with your daughter, which is where this is headed.

What do you actually want from this thread OP? Because it’s not advice or opinions, and AIBU is not the place to post if you want people to just mindlessly agree with you.

I apologised that’s taking accountability
for someone to say ‘ I need time’ after an apology and not accepting or declining it is manipulation in my opinion and she has opened a door for me to go beg her every day apologise profusely and none stop then after a few weeks she will ‘ forgive me ‘
Doesn’t matter if she’s my child or not she is still being manipulative her being 18 doesn’t change the fact she’s being manipulative

Not instantly accepting an apology isn't manipulative.

And apology (and a genuine one at that) is a starting point to fixing something, not an auto repair where everything isn't instantly dandy.

Grow up you silly woman.
Everything you've posted is either an excuse for your poor behaviour or an immature response like "what about me"?

Your response to her was cruel (especially if you suspected a prank, you should have jumped out of bed and comforted her which would've made her feel safe and loved, instead you basically mocked her, when you know she is insecure about you).
She has learnt communication from you and her father.
You are the adult and kids dont suddenly become adults at the age of 18, brains dont emotionally mature until mids 20s.

Yes she does sound like a brat but with the way shes been raised its not surprising- the way you responded will have proved to her what her dad has been saying about you. Also get your ass out of bed on results day and stop making excuses.

You clearly don't get it. Your so intent on blaming others and being the victim that you are completely ignoring your own part in it. The only behaviour you can be accountable for and change is your own so that's what you need to focus on.

Because if my apology isn’t accepted I get the silent treatment and get ignored so
this leads to a pathway of her and he dad slating me in private

her dad did it too he would say he needs ‘space’ for hours and hours and would punish me for the slightest things and an apology was never good enough I had to beg and beg and even go on my knees to beg I couldn’t just apologise I had to beg and beg to stop the bad atmosphere
my daughter is doing exactly the same now I can’t just apologise it’s never good enough

Whether it’s kind or not you failed that test. You know you fucked up which is why you’re so defensive about it.

If you want your relationship with your daughter to get better then you’re going to need to make it better by proving you love her and forgetting about her father (I’m sure he’s a horror but you have to stop letting him and his behaviour bugger up your relationship with your daughter. Ignore him.

Maybe she is being manipulative, or maybe she is genuinely struggling because her own mother is so unloving and seemingly incapable of understanding why she is upset.

An apology is worthless imo if there is no real understanding or acknowledgement of what you did wrong. Sorry is just a word. It doesn't sound like you have really reflected at all on your own behaviour or learnt anything.

OP you dont actually sound sorry or like you've accepted you did wrong so im not surprised she wont accept your apology. You need to be the parent here.

It's not about begging or apologising multiple times, it's about showing genuine regret and recognition of what you did wrong. That's what seems to be lacking right now, and I suspect that's why she can't accept your apology. There's no awareness of what you're actually apologising for.

I didn’t suspect it was a prank
she shouldn’t have paid silly games with an already stressed out mother who gets no support she knows how hard things are yet still chose to play mind games
calling me a silly woman just shows you for the bully you are

Try to stop seeing her father in everything she does.

If she says ‘I need time’, say ‘ok I understand, I’ll be here when you want to talk’ and then just crack on with whatever you need to do. Don’t play your accustomed part of begging over and over for forgiveness. If you think she’s trying to manipulate you ignore it.

its going to be massively hard changing learned responses but it might make you both happier.