To think think this is now becoming disrespectful?

[JustSamantha]

so I wrote a post a while ago about my daughter who is 19.
She was not helping round the house or doing anything and also being disrespectful
she has since got an apprentiship that She started this week which is a Positive thing but She is still being disrespectful.
The other week She messaged from her room saying she got her exam Results but She had Failed and That she was so upset and doesnt know what to do. Now with me being half asleep I replied saying "well yoU Skipped Countless lessons so it is not a supprise' as the background is that she didn't try at college she kept skipping lessons not revising or studying at home ect so it was already a sore topic as it is
She then came to me when I was still half asleep and said "I passed really " so I told her i dont beleive she did as I was confused as she just told me she failed plus she has previously lied about passing things before when she didn't
Anyway she fell out with me saying I wasn't showing I was proud she passed so I said sorry I didn't show as much joy as I maybe should have but she told me she failed at first and my brain was still processing that. I hate these pranks it causes confusion to me but at least I apologised and recognised I should have taken the joke but I was half asleep as it was very early. Anyway she won't accept my apology and is giving the silent treatment saying' dad was right about you " I see right through you now" " you will never change"
Her dad degraded me a lot in front of the kids and to them.He told them a Lot of bad things about me that was not true so I am already the bad guy so any tiny mistake I make she will hold a grudge for months and I genuinely have to beg for forgiveness. It takes months to get her to be ok with me over minor things, I ask her to tidy-up after herself she says oh the other kids don't have to even though they are just kids she's 19 so then she will message her dad telling him I treat her differently so I no longer ask her to do anything in the house. She won't even wash her own plate, she today wanted to rub salt in the wounds by saying her and her dad have lunch together on her breaks at her apprentiship. Making digs like oh ill be giving my dad 600 pound of my wages to my dad to save and manage for me as he looks out for me
I asked her dad to have her living with him but he ignored me email, I asked her to move in with her dad she ignores me, am I being unreasonable to think she's taking things too far and I'm not in the wrong to be upset?

Giving a modicum of support when your child tells you they've failed their exams isn't letting them rule the roost - it's basic parenting

Huh?

I simply said that it is very quick to go from not having an apprenticeship on the Thursday of one week to starting it the next.

And that it was odd you were not up for a level results. As others have said they’re generally released around 8am so it’s not like she was texting you at e.g. 4am surely.

If you wouldn’t usually need to be awake in the mornings then you could have made an effort to be awake that morning.

Even more reason to be nice to her when you thought she failed so!

Both of you are wrong. Your response to her failing message was horrendous! Her tricking you in the first place was ridiculous. Her behaviour pitting you and her dad against each other is very manipulative!

You need to decide what result you want... do you want her gone, or do you want to actually build a healthy relationship with her. Until you decide this nobody can help you. At the moment it just sounds like you want rid of her.

Tell her to go and live with her Dad and keep away from each other, for both of your benefits.

But she didn’t fail and she had been skiving off and when OP apologises repeatedly it’s still not good enough. Nah, Team OP here sorry….

How old are your other children? Are they full siblings? The last thing you want is for them to replicate your daughter's behaviour. Which means, you need to have a hard look at yourself and think where it went wrong.
As for your daughter, you need to put firm boundaries in place and take no sh*t from her ever again. You apologised for what you said and that's enough.

Where was your 4 year old while you were sleeping in?

And that is why I apologised to her but that counts for nothing
she would accept any other persons appolgy but not mine I have to jump through hoops make big gestures snd make a grand fuss on the apology or else she won’t accept it and even if I go to her room now and say I’m sorry I didn’t react the best way she will still say ‘oh I need time ‘ and spend weeks giving me the silent treatment
an apology from Me means nothing to her

She's your daughter. She's feeling left out and unloved.

I didn't read your previous threads but guess you are prioritizing your other DC.

Your initial response to failed results was unkind. She's leaning this behavior from you and her Dad.

By asking her to move out she thinks you don't want her/love her or care. Your response also demonstrates you don't care.

If you genuinely love your DD you need to mend this relationship.

Also asleep
not that has anything to do with this situation
you can tell you are definitely a bully and want to bully
why mention that did my 4 year old take exams aswell maybe she did and I didn’t know

she loves you op, you are her mother and are important to her

Stop it, you sound like the teenager, 'oh poor me everyone else gets nice treatment nothing i do is good enough poor me'.

If you want this to change, you need to be the adult and change how you react to her

But she didn’t fail and she had been skiving off and when OP apologises repeatedly it’s still not good enough. Nah, Team OP here sorry….

But the OP's apologies clearly aren't genuine and her daughter will know that.

It was an appalling way to respond to the message. That it was a prank doesn't change the OPs response when she didn't know that.

Yeah and maybe this is true but it is Sukkot down the the fact her dad has told her for years that I don’t love her I don’t care about her
I can’t change what he said and sometimes it is his fault why on this app does it always have to be my fault and not the fact her dad MADe HER believe I don’t love her

Your response was poor. Why did you say that to her, surely a better response would be she could retake or she has her apprenticeship and that’s exciting going forward. Some sort of reassurance instead of saying what you said.

I’m shocked at some posters saying they would change the locks. How could you do that.

How have you reacted to the other things that she has said like ill be giving my dad 600 pound of my wages to my dad to save and manage for me as he looks out for me or saying that she will be eating lunch with her dad?

Look she obviously “tricked” you because she felt like you didn’t care, and all you have done with your response is prove that to her. She’s pushing boundaries because she wants to be loved and cared for. That doesn’t make it okay or right but your reactions and responses aren’t helping.

I think you need to have a serious heart to heart with her that you’re upset with how things are going with her, you want to mend your relationship, and maybe you could both do with some space. Have another chat about her moving in with her dad.

But if you really want to repair the relationship you can’t continue with the narrative that she is the ultimate villain and you are the ultimate victim.

I can’t change what he said and sometimes it is his fault why on this app does it always have to be my fault and not the fact her dad MADe HER believe I don’t love her

No one can make someone believe something if it clearly isn’t true. Have you made it clear over the years that you love her. Does she know she’s loved no matter what.

You don’t even seem to like her.

It was wrong of him to do that, and it’s not fair but you need to work extra hard to undo that and make an effort on days that are important to her, like results day.

You don’t just have to accept this as your life now, it’s not too late to change things but you do need to make an effort and not just throw the towel in

Exactly. This is a horrible response as a parent, truly horrible. Basically "its your own damn fault, what did you expect"

and BS on being half asleep, thats making an excuse because you know people will pull you for it. Unsupportive, not nurturing. Horrible.

The thing is OP you're at a point where you need to decide what you want

Do you want her to just go and live with her dad?

Or do you want to repair the relationship with her?

The fact her dad has repeatedly told her you don't love her, and that your relationship js so poor, means your reaction to her message will be hard to overcome.
Just as her prank will be.

But they are two separate issues and they need to be dealt with as such, as well as the intermingling issue. Your apologies don't come across as genuine to folks on here so they likely don't to her either - which means she's going to be defensive and unaccepting, and won't even get to the point of seeing that her prank was out of line.

Really are yu sure About that? He’s very manipulative very bitter and very abusive I think I know

Sounds like you've played yourself right into the hands of your ex.

'Your mother doesn't care about you, I bet if you told her you failed your exams, she'd have a go at you'

Teenager thinks 'No, she'll be nice and supportive..won't she? I suppose if I did that, I'd know for sure whether he's telling the truth'.

Teenager tries it. She gets a really sharp message and then attacked more to deflect away from the true feelings her mother showed about her. And then she's messaged him trying to get rid of her permanently. Guess Dad was right about her being uncaring and just wanting her gone.

You sound like you're totally lacking in self awareness, OP, and unable to see how you are contributing to the problem.