To think think this is now becoming disrespectful?

[JustSamantha]

so I wrote a post a while ago about my daughter who is 19.
She was not helping round the house or doing anything and also being disrespectful
she has since got an apprentiship that She started this week which is a Positive thing but She is still being disrespectful.
The other week She messaged from her room saying she got her exam Results but She had Failed and That she was so upset and doesnt know what to do. Now with me being half asleep I replied saying "well yoU Skipped Countless lessons so it is not a supprise' as the background is that she didn't try at college she kept skipping lessons not revising or studying at home ect so it was already a sore topic as it is
She then came to me when I was still half asleep and said "I passed really " so I told her i dont beleive she did as I was confused as she just told me she failed plus she has previously lied about passing things before when she didn't
Anyway she fell out with me saying I wasn't showing I was proud she passed so I said sorry I didn't show as much joy as I maybe should have but she told me she failed at first and my brain was still processing that. I hate these pranks it causes confusion to me but at least I apologised and recognised I should have taken the joke but I was half asleep as it was very early. Anyway she won't accept my apology and is giving the silent treatment saying' dad was right about you " I see right through you now" " you will never change"
Her dad degraded me a lot in front of the kids and to them.He told them a Lot of bad things about me that was not true so I am already the bad guy so any tiny mistake I make she will hold a grudge for months and I genuinely have to beg for forgiveness. It takes months to get her to be ok with me over minor things, I ask her to tidy-up after herself she says oh the other kids don't have to even though they are just kids she's 19 so then she will message her dad telling him I treat her differently so I no longer ask her to do anything in the house. She won't even wash her own plate, she today wanted to rub salt in the wounds by saying her and her dad have lunch together on her breaks at her apprentiship. Making digs like oh ill be giving my dad 600 pound of my wages to my dad to save and manage for me as he looks out for me
I asked her dad to have her living with him but he ignored me email, I asked her to move in with her dad she ignores me, am I being unreasonable to think she's taking things too far and I'm not in the wrong to be upset?

Expecting me to sort everything
I don’t trust him with the £600 a month he’s controlling her
he has an addiction in investment companies and I’m worried he will convince her to invest in them when she could easily lose hundreds you don’t always gain
but as soon as I mention to her or him it’s not right I’ll get called a gold digger and be accused of wanting them money instead

It sounds like she has a complex relationship with her dad, too. Does she explain how she thinks her dad is ‘looking out for her’?

When I said it I didn’t know he wouldn’t accept her to move in, only realised after when he aired my emails

“We expect”?!? C’mon. Can you hear yourself?! 🫣

Tbh I don't think there was anything wrong with you suggesting she go live with her Dad. He's her other parent and she's of an age that she doesn't need to live with you.

Putting aside everything else, if she continually disrespects you and doesn't pull her weight in the house, then you tell her that she is going to stay with her Dad and she's always welcome to come home once she respects the house rules.

I have a feeling it won't be quite as rosy living with him as she thinks.

Sorry, didn't realise the Dad wouldn't take her in. The way he speaks about how you don't care about her, I'd have thought he'd jump at the chance.

I think you should just calmly talk to her, tell her how proud you are of her achievement and apologise again. Ask her what it is she needs from you and tell her the same in return. Compromise.

Go for a mum/daughter day out to celebrate her passing her college course.

She is 19 years old. She is not a little child. She lied about her exam results and then passed it off as a prank. She sounds manipulative and cruel to her Mother making her Mother ‘beg for forgiveness’!!She needs to grow up and move out.

I work in a high school. Reading many of these replies, it’s no wonder resilience amongst our young is at an all time low. Parent points out the bloody obvious to her child and is borderline called abusive for it. Shying away from calling a spade a spade does no one any favours.
So if in future OP’s daughter gets the sack from a job, the OP shouldn’t mention her work-shy attitude or lateness (hypothetically speaking, of course?).
Ridiculous.

I'm sorry for what happened to you, OP. It sounds like you were in a horrible, abusive relationship from a very early age, and that this may well have impacted on your development and your thought processes to the extent that you don't know what normal communication looks like. And who knows, maybe your own parents weren't up to much either, so you have no role models to look to. I'm sorry that things have been so hard for you.

The thing is, you are damaging your relationships with your kids because of the way in which you're interacting with them. It isn't normal and it isn't healthy but you don't seem to see the impact that your behaviour is having. You can still change this but you might need some help in the form of therapy.

If you don't change, your relationships will always be troubled. Please think about doing some work on yourself. You will not regret it.

No, resilience is at an all time low because emotionally inept parents lack the skills and/or the motivation to help guide their children through setbacks and disappointments effectively.

It is absolutely appropriate to encourage self reflection and to support a child to see what they could have done differently in order to achieve a more favourable outcome, but this needs to be done sensitively, empathetically and in a timely manner. Not simply by pointing the finger off blame at a time when they're desperately in need of comfort.

People saying im at fault here yeah but on the weekend now my daughter has no work.. she still in bed. She’s not moved from her bed to eat or anything. Now although it is her 100 percent choice how she spends her day off if I don’t go make food for her and hand it to her she won’t eat but she’s 19 why should I run around after a ADULT when she’s capable of doing that ? She will then go tell her dad I’m starving her!!
she has £150 in her bank account and this month I’ve been struggling so bad supporting the whole house alone and all I asked her to do is go buy a few meals for herself . She’s 19 why shouldn’t she do that? Why is it all on me yet I’m being called a bad mother for that there is more to it then just the exam results. At what age are you all suggesting I should ask her to take some responsibility as your all thinking she shouldn’t as 19 is too young
I had 2 babies at 19!!

I don’t think this is you being a bad mother but it is a cinder box of resentment and frustration. Focusing on things like her not eating and buying meals are a distraction from
the big picture which is the your relationship with your daughter falling apart.

take a deep breath and try to think longer term than what she did today. That’s just annoying you. It’s nothing in the big scheme of things.

so What your saying is I should exhaust myself running around after her as it’s ’not A big deal’ and I should ignore it
no I am not a robot I’ll never ask advice on this app again as I’m being gaslighted to believe her me not making her food or running around after her is me being a bad mother

Honestly, OP, she is the product of your parenting. It definitely doesn't sound like she is doing great, but it also doesn't sound like she has had the best start in life. I'm not saying that to be mean. I'm sure that you've tried your best in difficult circumstances. Regardless, things will have been difficult for her.

Nobody is saying that her behaviour is blameless. We're saying that you can't control her behaviour. But you can control the way that you talk to her, the behaviour that you model for her and the way you choose to respond to her. Focus on that, and things will start to change.

I had a bad childhood I never make excuses for how I treat people I treated my mum with respect I did things for myself
you lot are gaslighters to make me believe I should be doing all this stuff whilst she sits back and does absolutely nothing at 19!!

You're not being gaslighted, OP. You're being encouraged to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. You can choose to ignore the advice on here if you wish, but you will remain stuck in a negative cycle until you are ready to reflect on your own behaviour and change your approach.

I'm not saying this to have a go. I'm genuinely trying to help.

And I’ve asked a specific question

‘is it unreasonable to expect a 19 year old to make her own meals instead of mum running around after her whilst she lies on bed’

and you’ve gaslighted me to believe that yes I should be doing it all because ‘she’s not has a good start in life ‘

ok

OP I haven’t told you you need to do anything.

of course you can ignore her and not feed her. But if that’s what you’re doing…… why are you so worked up about it? You’re the one who posted this update illustrating how frustrated you are with your awful daughter

you could just take a deep breath and ignore her today. Give yourself some headspace rather than watch her and get more and more worked up

Can you explain where someone said you should be running around making her food?

this has played no part at all in the conversation.

you keep using gas lighting but you’re just making things up. Take some deep breaths and calm down

You having 2 children at 19 is part of the problem...

No one has told you to make her lunch.

But to reflect on how you respond to her.

It wasn't your original question and no one has replied saying you should run around making her meals

That wasn't the question that you asked in your OP, and I haven't said anywhere that I think it's unreasonable to expect a 19yo to make her own meals. So I'm not sure why you believe that I've gaslighted you to believe that you should be doing everything for her.

I haven't actually passed comment on the practical stuff that you do or don't do for her. My comments have focused on your communication style and the way in which you seem to be interacting with her. From your interactions on here, it's pretty clear that you struggle to communicate with people effectively. I have suggested that you might want to get some therapy to help with that, as it seems to be impacting negatively on your relationships right now.

But I get it, you aren't ready or willing to hear honest feedback or to reflect on your own behaviour. You just want validation from people who will blindly agree with you. Maybe that's a function of where you are with your overall emotional development. Who knows. But it's clear that you aren't interested in trying to change anything so I will take a step back now and wish you well.

FFS @JustSamantha you really aren't listening.

Your daughter's behaviour is not okay. But as you say, she is an adult. You've ruled out her moving out so it only leaves how you respond to her.

Don't make her food. That's completely unreasonable. If she runs to her dad just simply state 'food is available but I'm not a delivery service . If she doesn't like it, tough.

If she wants to stay in bed all day fine. But the rest of the household carries on as normal with normal levels of noise etc.

You seem to be acting in certain ways because you are worried she'll report it back to her dad. But you have left him. He thinks badly of you anyway. What difference does it make?

This is where you still don't seem to have broken free. That's not your fault but choosing not to address it is.

You're making excuses for everything. You're blaming your ex and your own child for everything you've done and said to her. You're complaining that she hasn't bought her own food when if she was at college, you will be receiving child benefit for her until the end of the month. And now you're blaming her for being unhappy and not wanting to eat because you've made it clear that you don't like her, don't want her and that it's her fault that you got yourself into a shit relationship and had loads of kids.

Between you and your ex, you have both managed to give her plenty of adverse childhood experiences.

It's not her fault.