To think think this is now becoming disrespectful?

[JustSamantha]

so I wrote a post a while ago about my daughter who is 19.
She was not helping round the house or doing anything and also being disrespectful
she has since got an apprentiship that She started this week which is a Positive thing but She is still being disrespectful.
The other week She messaged from her room saying she got her exam Results but She had Failed and That she was so upset and doesnt know what to do. Now with me being half asleep I replied saying "well yoU Skipped Countless lessons so it is not a supprise' as the background is that she didn't try at college she kept skipping lessons not revising or studying at home ect so it was already a sore topic as it is
She then came to me when I was still half asleep and said "I passed really " so I told her i dont beleive she did as I was confused as she just told me she failed plus she has previously lied about passing things before when she didn't
Anyway she fell out with me saying I wasn't showing I was proud she passed so I said sorry I didn't show as much joy as I maybe should have but she told me she failed at first and my brain was still processing that. I hate these pranks it causes confusion to me but at least I apologised and recognised I should have taken the joke but I was half asleep as it was very early. Anyway she won't accept my apology and is giving the silent treatment saying' dad was right about you " I see right through you now" " you will never change"
Her dad degraded me a lot in front of the kids and to them.He told them a Lot of bad things about me that was not true so I am already the bad guy so any tiny mistake I make she will hold a grudge for months and I genuinely have to beg for forgiveness. It takes months to get her to be ok with me over minor things, I ask her to tidy-up after herself she says oh the other kids don't have to even though they are just kids she's 19 so then she will message her dad telling him I treat her differently so I no longer ask her to do anything in the house. She won't even wash her own plate, she today wanted to rub salt in the wounds by saying her and her dad have lunch together on her breaks at her apprentiship. Making digs like oh ill be giving my dad 600 pound of my wages to my dad to save and manage for me as he looks out for me
I asked her dad to have her living with him but he ignored me email, I asked her to move in with her dad she ignores me, am I being unreasonable to think she's taking things too far and I'm not in the wrong to be upset?

leave your relationship with her dad out of this. it is clouding your attitude.

Ok then
you and my daughter will never accept a sorry unless it’s me on my hands and knees begging

Why weren’t you already awake on results day? Plainly, why on earth were you still in bed asleep when your daughter was getting her results. Why was she opening them alone anyway?!

I think you really need to reflect on your own behaviour before you start complaining about your DD’s. You are a fully grown adult and a parent, FFS.

Now with me being half asleep I replied saying "well yoU Skipped Countless lessons so it is not a supprise' as the background is that she didn't try at college she kept skipping lessons not revising or studying at home ect so it was already a sore topic as it is

That's an appalling response to your child failing their exams.

The fact it was a prank on her part doesn't change that response.

Your relationship with her is obviously absolutely dire and you'll get nowhere in repairing it if you can't see your parts in it

She didn’t have her apprenticeship when she got her exam results I had to push her to apply for stuff

you more you criticise her dad the more she will idolise him

leave him out of it.

I think the thing is that had it not been a prank, had it just been that she had failed your response was dickish.
its like kicking someone when they are down, so ignoring everything else I think by this one example you’ve given it puts you in a bad light.
you may react better in other situations but the fact you have now become defensive and can’t really see what you’ve done wrong in that situation shows a dynamic that might explain your DD general behaviour.
You say you’ve apologised but what for as you don’t really seem to grasp it and keep blaming being sleepy on your reply - I mean come on now.

Did everyone else get out of the wrong side if bed this morning or something? Daughter sounds like a complete arse. Dunno why her emotions are supposed to be ruling the roost.

No that's just you giving another very immature response. Most people accept a sincere apology. But an apology wrapped up in justifications is very obviously not sincere.

Because I have not been well that’s why
and results day for her course isn’t the same as GCSE’s or a levels
she also didn’t tell me the date and she hid that from me as well so I didn’t know
at 19 you don’t get the same info as you would if they was under 18

I would write her a letter. Apologise again for not being supportive when you thought she had failed but explain that you were worried for her.
Set out how things need to be going forward as two adults - ask her if she would be happier living at her dad’s.
Hold the line now (yes maybe you messed up on occasions but we all have especially dealing with challenging teenagers).
You could look at strategies called ‘non violent resistance’ for dealing with distressed children. It involves bringing in other trusted adults to speak to her or support you while you try to move forward.

You need to reflect on your behaviour OP. As others have said it’s the thing you can control.

If you want things to get you’re going to have to try and not just keep saying nothings your fault.

Exactly why does only her feelings matter ? Why is she allowed to play mind games and my reaction be wrong all the time ?

Noone is telling you to accept her behaviour! But you actually are because you aren't doing anything

This was my first thought. It’s exam day so everyone should have been up and ready by the time results were given out. That at least would have avoided this latest problem and no chance to prank you. You are getting a battering on here OP but for now it seems a move to dads would be in everyone’s interest. .

It sounds like a hard relationship on both sides. Teenagers can be intolerable but your response to her telling you she had failed will have really stung. She is still very much a child and sounds like she was testing you and looking for some reassurance or a cuddle. Obviously not ideas when you have just woken up.

I think she sounds like she needs some love rather than consequences to repair the relationship but understand how hard it is when someone is wearing you down.

I would have reacted the same way to the txt! Who wouldn’t given her attitude towards you. She knew exactly how you would react, that’s why she sent it so she could have another reason to argue & have a go at you imo.
Tell her enough is enough & you won’t tolerate her behaviour any more. If she carries on treating you as she is, Pack her bag & kick her out! She’s a 19 year old adult for gods sake, why are people acting as though she’s a 13 year old child!

If my child messaged me from her room that she was upset and didn’t know what to do I would get out of bed and give her a hug and listen to her.

Point to the posts that said that - there aren't any. How you're reacting here is how you react to her.

No one said you have to accept poor behaviour. But you have to change how you respond to her, or you'll keep getting what you're getting now. She's not going to change if you don't change how you relate to her first . It sucks but there it is, you're the parent so you have to be the bigger person.

So she got and started her apprenticeship in less than a week? That’s very quick.

Unless you work night shifts I don’t understand why you weren’t awake for your daughters results. Most people are awake for work, or if it’s a non working day for you then you could have made the effort not to have a lay in.

If you didn’t know when results day was you could have googled it.

She’s not a baby she’s 19!!!! Stops talking like she’s a defenceless 12 year old

That you have to beg for forgiveness about things sounds like you don’t have the best relationship anyway. She’s playing you. Sounds like you need to be tougher. Yes she has to do her chores. Make all your kids do age appropriate chores. Stop letting her get away with stuff. Stand firm on things and mean it. And when she’s making little digs about dad being better etc, just ignore them. She’s only saying those things to get a rise out of you.

I wouldn't be begging for anything, I'd tell her to get out of my house.

Give her a date to move out by and if she doesn't, she comes home to her stuff packed and locks changed.

She won't be homeless, she can go to her dad's but it will give her a good shock and make her realise that mum has limits and won't tolerate being bullied.

The other week She messaged from her room saying she got her exam Results but She had Failed and That she was so upset and doesnt know what to do. Now with me being half asleep I replied saying "well yoU Skipped Countless lessons so it is not a supprise'

If my DD sent me this I would be straight up to her room to comfort her, I would not have responded with that and if you were my mum I would be annoyed at you. You sound quite immature from your posts, disrespect is not acceptable but maybe you need to look at your own behaviour and realise your DD is being a typical 19 year old. She’s a teenager, she won’t be like this forever but she needs love and support, so far you are doing nothing to prove her dad wrong (he should not be bad mouthing you and I’m sorry about that - that is very hard) good luck

You have completely missed the point. It's nothing to do with you believing her. It's your cruel response to her. Maybe she pranks you and not her dad because she is desperate for YOUR attention, approval and love. Instead of taking the poor me attitude and playing the victim you need to reflect on your own behaviour and what has led to your DD being the way she is.