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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think think this is now becoming disrespectful?

304 replies

JustSamantha · 23/08/2025 03:53

so I wrote a post a while ago about my daughter who is 19.
She was not helping round the house or doing anything and also being disrespectful
she has since got an apprentiship that She started this week which is a Positive thing but She is still being disrespectful.
The other week She messaged from her room saying she got her exam Results but She had Failed and That she was so upset and doesnt know what to do. Now with me being half asleep I replied saying "well yoU Skipped Countless lessons so it is not a supprise' as the background is that she didn't try at college she kept skipping lessons not revising or studying at home ect so it was already a sore topic as it is
She then came to me when I was still half asleep and said "I passed really " so I told her i dont beleive she did as I was confused as she just told me she failed plus she has previously lied about passing things before when she didn't
Anyway she fell out with me saying I wasn't showing I was proud she passed so I said sorry I didn't show as much joy as I maybe should have but she told me she failed at first and my brain was still processing that. I hate these pranks it causes confusion to me but at least I apologised and recognised I should have taken the joke but I was half asleep as it was very early. Anyway she won't accept my apology and is giving the silent treatment saying' dad was right about you " I see right through you now" " you will never change"
Her dad degraded me a lot in front of the kids and to them.He told them a Lot of bad things about me that was not true so I am already the bad guy so any tiny mistake I make she will hold a grudge for months and I genuinely have to beg for forgiveness. It takes months to get her to be ok with me over minor things, I ask her to tidy-up after herself she says oh the other kids don't have to even though they are just kids she's 19 so then she will message her dad telling him I treat her differently so I no longer ask her to do anything in the house. She won't even wash her own plate, she today wanted to rub salt in the wounds by saying her and her dad have lunch together on her breaks at her apprentiship. Making digs like oh ill be giving my dad 600 pound of my wages to my dad to save and manage for me as he looks out for me
I asked her dad to have her living with him but he ignored me email, I asked her to move in with her dad she ignores me, am I being unreasonable to think she's taking things too far and I'm not in the wrong to be upset?

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 23/08/2025 08:20

Your response to exam fail text is awful. I would have supported her reassuring there is always another path etc. In a few weeks I might have mentioned attending class and studying at home being important if she was making similar choices with apprenticeship.

I also think she is being disrespectful and should move in with her dad but not sure how to make that happen.

legsekeven · 23/08/2025 08:26

Yea your reaction was bad. Surely the right thing to do was get up knock on her door and ask if she was ok. (Half asleep or not). Sounds like she was testing you.

Can you now offer some sort of celebration for passing, lunch out or something

ThePinkPoster · 23/08/2025 08:26

I wouldn’t ask her to move out.

I’d bag her stuff up, change the locks, dump her stuff at her father’s house and tell her she’s moved out - past tense.

AutumnLover1989 · 23/08/2025 08:27

You both need your heads banging together 😔

PinkyFlamingo · 23/08/2025 08:29

This is very unhealthy she's bullying you and you aren't standing up for yourself.

ChicJoker · 23/08/2025 08:39

Poor performance from you OP. and I imagine this is a teardrop in an ocean of why she feels like she does. Kids don’t generally turn against their parents for no reason either.

FiveBarGate · 23/08/2025 08:40

Your reaction wasn't good but she was also deliberately pressing your buttons.

You sound very passive. Have you taken on the role from your marriage? You sent an email about her moving in with her dad and then just left it after no response?

Have you ever looked into more assertive communication techniques? It sounds like it would benefit you.

I don't understand why you are pleading. You have apologised. You just keep giving her a stick to beat you with.

She doesn't respect you but some of that comes from you putting up with this behaviour.

However, she is away to start an apprenticeship. This will force her to grow up quickly. So I'm not sure I'd go for nuclear options right now. Work on your own esteem/ communication. Be clear about what you expect from her (on the minor things) and stick to it . And things may improve anyway.

LBFseBrom · 23/08/2025 08:41

How ridiculous to send texts when you are in the same house. Why not wait until you are both up and can talk face to face. You need to communicate normally.

Respect other than common courtesy to which everyone is entitled, has to be earned - and mutual. Is your daughter shown respect?

IAmComfortablyNumbed · 23/08/2025 08:48

well yoU Skipped Countless lessons so it is not a supprise'

It doesn’t matter the background, or that it would have been her own fault, that is hardly a supportive response.
I agree with pp, she’s got her communication style from you.

Newgirls · 23/08/2025 08:51

You have the same communication style. Sending badly thought out texts to each other is the same depth of emotional maturity. She’s learning her behaviours from you op.

what can you do about it? Show her better. Be the calm, mature one who uses calm and kind words to build bridges, not score points

WhatNoRaisins · 23/08/2025 08:51

Where do you think this mind game behaviour comes from? I can understand why you struggled to be positive about her good news when it came off the back of such an irritating prank.

taxidriver · 23/08/2025 08:53

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 23/08/2025 04:37

Your response to the exam text was horrible. It sounds like you are both as bad as each other.

i agree

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 23/08/2025 08:53

Look, she should tidy up after herself etc. That goes without saying.

But honestly, your response when you thought she had failed her exams was awful. I accept that you were half asleep but FFS, wake yourself up and respond appropriately in that situation! Your response was devoid if any emotional intelligence. And it's pretty clear that your dd set the trap for you because she knew that you wouldn't be supportive.

And then, even when she told you that she had passed, you couldn't be pleased for her and you said that you didn't believe her? I mean, it isn't exactly sending positive messages about how you feel about her, is it?

When you add those reactions to the fact that you have made it clear that you don't want her living at home any more, it's really easy to see why your relationship is so fraught. You're supposed to be her biggest cheerleader but you obviously have no faith in her abilities and no real liking for her either. It's hardly surprising that she wants to have lunch with her dad and not with you!

You could still turn this round if you wanted to, but you will need to change your behaviour significantly and recognise that, what might seem like "minor issues" to you may seem like quite major issues to her... and with good reason.

Bambamhoohoo · 23/08/2025 08:53

Friendlygingercat · 23/08/2025 05:41

She is an adult. If a child of mine behaved towards me like that she would come home to find the locks changed and her belongings in a bin bag on the doorstep.

And your 19 year old would then go and… sleep on a park bench?!

OP ignore the posts about her paying rent- she won’t. If she did what you asked her to you wouldn’t be in this mess.

of course dont kick her out. Only a shit parent would do that.

however the obviously solution is that she moves in with her other parent. She thinks he knows everything , they work together etc

can you not speak to him in person at all?

if not you’ll have to approach it with her. But it’s positive solution, not a sending away of a problem.

MumWifeOther · 23/08/2025 08:53

butterfly1234 · 23/08/2025 04:20

The other week She messaged from her room saying she got her exam Results but She had Failed and That she was so upset and doesnt know what to do. Now with me being half asleep I replied saying "well yoU Skipped Countless lessons so it is not a supprise'

Your relationship shounds unhealthy on both sides. Of course she was going to be upset with your response. It doesn't sound like a bad idea sending her to live with her dad. Why is she/he choosing not to?

This.

WotsitMonster · 23/08/2025 08:53

When my DCs got their GCSE and A Level results, I was up before them waiting.

Results day is a really big deal for them and whilst we didn’t make a big thing of it, it was definitely something we were all aware of and I wouldn’t have been in bed still whilst they were getting results.

I haven’t come across a school or college yet that releases results early. Usually they can’t be accessed until 8/9am so it can’t have been that early that you were a deeply asleep you didn’t know what was going on.

Bambamhoohoo · 23/08/2025 08:54

FiveBarGate · 23/08/2025 08:40

Your reaction wasn't good but she was also deliberately pressing your buttons.

You sound very passive. Have you taken on the role from your marriage? You sent an email about her moving in with her dad and then just left it after no response?

Have you ever looked into more assertive communication techniques? It sounds like it would benefit you.

I don't understand why you are pleading. You have apologised. You just keep giving her a stick to beat you with.

She doesn't respect you but some of that comes from you putting up with this behaviour.

However, she is away to start an apprenticeship. This will force her to grow up quickly. So I'm not sure I'd go for nuclear options right now. Work on your own esteem/ communication. Be clear about what you expect from her (on the minor things) and stick to it . And things may improve anyway.

This is a much better idea than mine. Great advice

TY78910 · 23/08/2025 08:54

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 23/08/2025 04:37

Your response to the exam text was horrible. It sounds like you are both as bad as each other.

This. The response to her failing was awful, I can’t imagine not jumping up to console my child in that situation. The fact that she’s pulled this ‘prank’ is surely because she wants some kind of reaction from you? She wants warmth, even when she said she passed really and got upset you didn’t tell her you’re proud of her is quite clearly spelling out that you’re not making her feel safe and secure in your relationship.

Whilst I agree at 19 she needs to be pulling her weight, it sounds like your relationship is terrible and a lot of the stuff she is doing is a direct response to how insecure she is feeling.

JLou08 · 23/08/2025 08:54

Your parenting probably led to it, she sounds desperate for your love and attention trying to make you jealous of her dad and saying she was upset about her exams. Your response to that text was awful, who'd want to put the boot in when their DD was upset (I know she lied but you believed it to be true) any half decent parent would be going to give their child a hug.

Original poster
JustSamantha · 23/08/2025 09:03

But why is it ok for her to ‘test me’ to me that’s mind game playing and using a reaction at that moment to disrespect me
if she had told me straight the situation would have been very different
everyone defends her when I ask for advice and makes me out to be the bad parent but no one knows the full extent
she’s is always saying how great her dad is and how bad I am and I am sick of it
before the exam results we were already not in a good place as she spent the whole summer holidays in bed till 15:00 and left me to move her rubbish clean her plates
i appologised to her so why can’t she communicate and Accept the apology that’s just manipulative to carry it on with no resolution
her dad did this all the time he was very abusive and she tells her dad everytime we have a disagreement and he will always make out I am the problem never me
how is it right that she can mess with my mind like that ?

OP posts:
EvelynBeatrice · 23/08/2025 09:03

SheridansPortSalut · 23/08/2025 06:51

"well yoU Skipped Countless lessons so it is not a suprise"

That's a horrible thing to say. She's testing you and this is how you respond?

Is it a horrible way to respond? It’s true isn’t it? If you don’t do the work, that’s what happens. Maybe it’s not the case here - we can’t know for sure - but in such a dynamic it’s very possible that nothing the OP could have said would be acceptable to the daughter or would have been twisted to fit the daughter’s preferred narrative.

Knowing teens, herdaughter was testing her, leading her into a trap to reinforce the fantasy she has of being a much put upon child of a terrible mother. This aligns with her father’s views which makes her feel safe as he’s tricky and not there. Good ole mum on the other hand will always be there.

Tickledtrout · 23/08/2025 09:04

You've taught her all you know, OP.

Original poster
JustSamantha · 23/08/2025 09:05

JLou08 · 23/08/2025 08:54

Your parenting probably led to it, she sounds desperate for your love and attention trying to make you jealous of her dad and saying she was upset about her exams. Your response to that text was awful, who'd want to put the boot in when their DD was upset (I know she lied but you believed it to be true) any half decent parent would be going to give their child a hug.

Why wouldn’t I believe it to be true If she told me that?? Of course if she texts me that she’s failed I’ll believe it she shouldn’t have done it in the first place she never pranked her dad so why me ??

OP posts:
Boomer55 · 23/08/2025 09:06

Zanatdy · 23/08/2025 06:34

Your reaction wasn’t great, but then her behaviour isn’t great. I’d tell her she either changes her attitude, or she moved in with her dad, or a room in a shared house etc. She is bullying you in your own home, and is lazy and entitled. I have a teen and she wouldn’t dare speak to me like that, i’ve always been very strict on respect as I can’t stand to see kids speaking to adults so rudely.

Nor me. I’d just tell her that if she’s that discontented at home with you, best she rents a room, or goes to live with her Dad. She’s an adult.

Creu · 23/08/2025 09:08

I winced at your response to her failing her exams. That was really quite cruel, half asleep or not there’s no excuse for that.

Her commentary about ger father isn’t kind, but she is still very young and unlikely to understand how hurtful it is to you.

Perhaps worth reflecting on how you are communicating with each other and what she has learnt from your communication style. Eg, your reply to her failing her exams, there wasn’t much compassion or support in your message. It’s entirely unsurprising if you are like this with your DD that she would reply with something more hurtful back.

I’m still struggling with messaging across the house re: exam results rather than actually going into the room to talk to your DD when you got the message - half asleep or not. Very bizarre.