To think think this is now becoming disrespectful?

[JustSamantha]

so I wrote a post a while ago about my daughter who is 19.
She was not helping round the house or doing anything and also being disrespectful
she has since got an apprentiship that She started this week which is a Positive thing but She is still being disrespectful.
The other week She messaged from her room saying she got her exam Results but She had Failed and That she was so upset and doesnt know what to do. Now with me being half asleep I replied saying "well yoU Skipped Countless lessons so it is not a supprise' as the background is that she didn't try at college she kept skipping lessons not revising or studying at home ect so it was already a sore topic as it is
She then came to me when I was still half asleep and said "I passed really " so I told her i dont beleive she did as I was confused as she just told me she failed plus she has previously lied about passing things before when she didn't
Anyway she fell out with me saying I wasn't showing I was proud she passed so I said sorry I didn't show as much joy as I maybe should have but she told me she failed at first and my brain was still processing that. I hate these pranks it causes confusion to me but at least I apologised and recognised I should have taken the joke but I was half asleep as it was very early. Anyway she won't accept my apology and is giving the silent treatment saying' dad was right about you " I see right through you now" " you will never change"
Her dad degraded me a lot in front of the kids and to them.He told them a Lot of bad things about me that was not true so I am already the bad guy so any tiny mistake I make she will hold a grudge for months and I genuinely have to beg for forgiveness. It takes months to get her to be ok with me over minor things, I ask her to tidy-up after herself she says oh the other kids don't have to even though they are just kids she's 19 so then she will message her dad telling him I treat her differently so I no longer ask her to do anything in the house. She won't even wash her own plate, she today wanted to rub salt in the wounds by saying her and her dad have lunch together on her breaks at her apprentiship. Making digs like oh ill be giving my dad 600 pound of my wages to my dad to save and manage for me as he looks out for me
I asked her dad to have her living with him but he ignored me email, I asked her to move in with her dad she ignores me, am I being unreasonable to think she's taking things too far and I'm not in the wrong to be upset?

you are her parent
her mother

dont bring her dad into this

try and mend your relationship

Op kindly you would benefit from counselling as you sound like you need some care and support. Maybe you were hurt by your ex? Were you treated kindly as a teenager? Parenting teens can bring up loads of our own shit from the past

You both sound childish and petulant. She's too old for it and you definitely are too old for it.

However much she's trying to push your buttons, you have to be the adult. Whinging 'why does she do this to me and not her dad it's not fair' is getting you nowhere.

very true

by comparing how she treats you and her dad you are dragging her into the separation which never ends well

You are the grown up, why do you think she is acting this way?

Presumably because her dad doesn’t respond to news like that in the way you did?

You don’t get to ignore your own behaviour by stamping your feet and saying “it’s not fair she pranked me”. She’s picked this up from somewhere and it’s pretty clear where. Her behaviour isn’t good at all but you need to take a hard look at your parenting to understand why you’re in this place 19 years down the line.

But I was asleep? How about she should have done the adult thing and waited till I was awake before ‘pranking me’ that she has failed and then passed of maybe just tell
the truth in the first place
I went to 4 meetings with her college because she was skipping college so of course I’m going to be defensive when she says she failed
our relationship isn’t good due to her dads constant criticism of me which wasn’t my fault and not take responsibility for that
she never pranked her dad though so why me ?

Your response was very very unkind. Why send a text like that, why send a text at all. I would have got up and gone to see my DD in similar circs.

You’re the grown up here. Yes set expectations but you need to be the bigger person and start to repair your relationship.

Tell her not to give £600 from her earnings to her dad to manage. Looks likely Rachel Reeves will find some way of taxing it at a high rate if he tries to give it back.

yes I am the grown up but she is also an adult so why should I put up with her behaviour
why do people treat 19 year olds like babies on this app and make you out to be a bad parent if you don’t condone their behaviour

you were asleep but you still responded unkindly.

But I was asleep? How about she should have done the adult thing and waited till I was awake before ‘pranking me’ that she has failed and then passed of maybe just tell
the truth in the first place

Grow up OP. Own your behaviour. Stop making everything someone else’s fault.

I understand why you’re so frustrated.

there is a difference between lashing out your immediate, emotional reaction, and doing the longer term right thing.

i think if you just acknowledge that the immediate reaction isn’t the best way to deal with it that’s a significant step in the growth of your relationship.

as another poster said- you got a early morning text from your daughter saying she failed her exams. What in hindsight would be a better thing to do?

it would’ve been to not reply, go downstairs make yourself a cup of tea, try and wake up and work through options and what you need to do that day to support her. Then, go to wherever she is and discuss in person.

yes you would’ve found out it was a prank.

That’s when you pre set boundaries and protect your peace. What would be the right reaction? maybe to ask her directly why she pranked you. Then tell her everything you did since waking and how it made you feel to find out it was a prank. Then walk away.

instead, you- bleary eyed and shocked- smashed out a text reply and basically went back to sleep. That is an understandable reaction, but it wasn’t the right one.

you can only control yourself, not her.

I should have known that posting on this app will just end up with me being the one in the wrong, telling me I must accept her behaviour and that she’s ever so broke so I have to fall at her feet and just accept it all
ok thanks I’ll do that

She wasn’t test pranking you. She was testing you to see how you would react. The question you need to ask if why she thinks she needs to test you? From your response I wonder if she feels she can’t trust you to react in a mature and loving way. It sounds like there is a lot of mistrust in both sides of this relationship so there is no easy fix.

To answer your orginal question I think there is disrespect on both sides.

take a step back op, have a rethink.
as said you can control your actions. so work on that

She “pranked” you as she wanted to see you show some love and support her. The results usually come out at 8am and the day wasn’t a surprise so the half asleep line is bollocks.

Even if half asleep your first response isn’t to give he a hug, console her, make her a cuppa. It was to stick the boot it. You didn’t even get out of bed to check on her.

Why can’t you see that?

(the place for you skipped lessons was afterwards not then)

Her bags would be packed and she would be out the door of if I had to listen to that shit. If her father is so class why isn’t she living with him. OP do not stand for this, no way to live.

Her bags would be packed and she would be out the door of if I had to listen to that shit. If her father is so class why isn’t she living with him. OP do not stand for this, no way to live.

You sound like you’re the immature 19 years here. If you want to fix this situation with your daughter then you’re going to need to change your behaviour which means you need to be mature and accept that you’ve made mistakes too. Everyone makes mistakes but some people aren’t mature enough to apologise and work on correcting their behaviour. You have to decide if your relationship with your daughter is more important than wanting to be right.

i appologised to her so why can’t she communicate and Accept the apology that’s just manipulative to carry it on with no resolution

Because it's very clear that you're not actually sorry.

What is ironic is it’s her dad that’s been unsupportive to her over the years and I’ve always been the supportive one. Maybe I’ve just had enough of the insults the unappreciation and the disrespect now

I would have gone with a 'That sucks but you have your apprenticeship now so onwards and upwards' type of message rather than the combative what did you expect type of message you sent.

Show kindness and you often get it in return. Be combative and well you've seen what you get.

OP, gently, your response was harsh, asleep or not - but we’ve all behaved in ways we’ve later regretted. The trouble with nineteen year olds is that they look gown up, the law says they are - but they’re not really, or only just. Cast your mind back to the mistakes you made as a young adult - I know I made plenty!
I completely understand why you’re so cross about being played off against her father all the time - but you need to let her know that she is loved and wanted. A lot of teenage kicking off is testing boundaries and checking that our parents are still on-side. Can you do something nice to celebrate her exam results, like taking her out for a meal, or something? Apologise again for your earlier response, and tell her that you are proud of her. - she needs to know. Of course her behaviour staying in bed til three and leaving dirty dishes around is unacceptable. - but it sounds as though the pair of you have a few bridges to build before you can address this. Good luck, OP - they can drive you to distraction, but never lose sight of the fact that you ‘re the parent.