Adult children and paying keep

[123dontcomeatme]

Am home from an evening out and feel a bit disgruntled.
Dd is coming up to 20 and has just secured herself an apprenticeship starting on the same wage I am on..she has worked so hard for it and it's a fantastic wage.

Dd will be paying half of all living costs. Im on my own, was on universal credit. I can't afford to pay for her and honestly I think if shes earning the same as me, I shouldn't have to. I would like to build some savings for myself after being financially screwed for the last 19 years.

Fried thinks im being terrible and dd should not contribute so she can save for a house deposit as that would be the best thing I could do for her.

Quite how I would manage or how I would afford anything myself is apparently not of consequence.

Im sure she didn't mean it but honestly, is this really unfair of me? Am i being harsh?

YANBU at all. When I started working, I paid my mum £250 per month and I also paid the broadband bill and TV license.

It’s good for young adults to learn to pay their way.

Why is it unreasonable. You can't afford to keep her so she has to pay her own way. I'm sure it's cheaper than moving out

I think it’s right to pay her way. I often find it a bit odd when parents are skint because they pay for everything whilst adult children have 1k+ disposable income.

Well this is what i think. My uc will stop along with the tiny amount her dad gives me. She will be working full time in a job that pays the same as me. In a year she will earn more.
Im not sure why I should pay everything and have nothing left over, struggling, while she would have her whole wage to do as she pleases.

While that might be nice, it's not reality for me and certainly can't be reality for many families?

You need her to contribute, I am sure if you explain it to her she will understand?

I agree that she should give you a percentage but paying half sounds like too much imo

Plus, the way that you speak about the situation, saying that you've been screwed financially for 19 years, sounds a bit mean, although you may not mean it to come across that way

Taking a percentage towards the home but allowing her most of the money to save for a deposit sounds the best way forward

Is the girl benefiting from half the utilities food etc? If so why should her mother be subsidising it when they earn the same

So according to you it's OK for the mum to go without as long as the daughter can have more spending money

Dd is fine paying.

Why should she not pay half?

I have been financially screwed. I have no pension, rent, zero assets. Been on tax credits or uc since she was 1 and I became a single parent. At points stolen loo roll from work. Or sat with lights out to save energy as I didn't have enough on the meter.

Things aren't that tight now but im certainly not flush.

Dd will still be able to save. But I need to as well because I will need to live somewhere too.

What would happen if your dd decides to move out and rent a room elsewhere?

I would go without so that dd could save for her own place, of course.

I dont think that the op is horrible or anything, but yes, I would take as little as I could off of her

I kind of agree with this. My friend’s DC pays a nominal amount to contribute to living costs and still manages to save. I think it’s around £200-£250 a month. I think kids should pay but 1/2 of living costs? Are there any other children living in the house?
It also may be worth thinking about whether you could afford everything if they decided to move out.
I know it’s very difficult as when they turn 18, all support drops off, this can mean a big drop for a lot of families and often you are expected to try and fund them through university as well.

What happens when she moves out?

If dd was going to be earning less we would have split it proportionally, so we were both left with the same disposable. But since shes earning the same I think it should be half.
But. When shes earning more, it won't swing the other way, I'll still pay 50% , she shouldn't have to sub me.
Even paying half shes still going to have over 1.2k disposable a month.

No one else in the house. Just dd and I. Hence the half.

Dd won't rent a room, that would be more expensive than paying half.

When she does move out.... I dont quite know. Hopefully I will hsve built some savings, been promoted. Met someone.

She should pay what it costs her to live there. She's your daughter, not the lodger.

Yeah see that's what I did.

My mum was a low income parent. There is a maximum cap they can take, I think. But my mum didn't stop there. Her benefits were not cut in half because of my income, but she took half of everything. She still complained it wasn't enough.

I took her out at the weekends and did all the shopping with her and paid for it. I took her for lunches and coffees. She used to get huffy every time I bought new clothes because she said she couldn't afford them. I needed clothes for work.

Then I wasn't allowed anybody over not female friends, not boyfriends. Nobody. Because it made her uncomfortable.And I strongly suspect she may have had some kind of neurodiversity.

She finally said to me, things like whilst you are living in my house you will not do xyz. Minor arguments ended up in her saying, get out of my house.

Ok hang on a minute, i'm paying half of it, and I have no rights.

So I left. She was charging me market rates of rent for a room in her house anyway, and it was actually cheaper to get a share a house in a cheaper area, splitting rent and bills, three ways with two other girls.

I left her to pay the whole fucking lot, her food shopping, everything that I used to pay for. And she'd lost all of her child. Related benefits because I d become an adult when I came back from uni.

Watch it OP if you're going to take half of everything, then you need to give her equal rights in that house and not act as if it's yours and she just lives by the grace of you.

It sounds fine. She’ll still be paying a lot less than a private rent. Don’t agonise over it, and don’t tell friends and family your private financial business.

Of course DD should be paying towards the house hold. She’s a grown lady and as you said earning a good wage. She is probably cheaper staying with you and paying half and as you said she still has 1.2k left over so she could easily save half of that for a couple years for a good deposit and allows you to also save too for the day she decides to move out. I’ve always said if my DD is living with me and working full time she will absolutely be contributing. I’d probably keep half the money and save the other half for her when she wants to move out though. Everyone is different when it comes to these things xx

Even if you couldn't eat or buy yourself clothes? I suspect that you are not in a position where the " going without" could be more than foregoing a few luxuries

And how would you feel if you genuinely went without for a teen to save then they blew all their money while you struggled?

Well. That's not very nice and im sorry that was your experience.
But I work and always hsve done. Please dont project your experience on to me, knowing nothing about me.

Dd has a bedroom and a dressing room. We hsve a beautiful house, everything she could want. I still do her laundry for her snd always will. She gets cooked for.

Im not taking half of her wages. Its half of living costs.

Maybe im a terrible person but I dont see why I should martyr myself further and end up in a terrible situation when im older, so dd can save for a deposit. She will still have enough to save.

OK so being a single parent to a small child is hard. What about when she got older? Why didn’t you seek opportunities to better yourself then? Bit harsh implying you have been screwed over due to her.

I am sure she would want to contribute but as a parent do you not want to help her on her way and build up some savings/ assets?

Surely the fact you no longer have to pay for her clothes,phone,lunch money etc means you will be better off anyway.

I wouldn't do it unless there was literally no other way for me to survive. My DD lived at home all through her uni years and we paid for most of her expenses even though she worked. In 4 years at Uni she saved over 65k. We are in Australia so that's Aussie dollars but I'm glad we have supported her and she worked hard got excellent marks and now has a small savings toward her future home. It's pretty uncommon for children to pay to live with their own families here unless you are very very poor.

How did you get that beautiful house? I thought you were completely screwed financially it sounds really big. Not just a bedroom for her, but a dressing room too. My goodness. Why did you rent such a big house?If you were screwed financially.

Shell never be able to afford or be given a house like that.And that's the difference.

You're taking half the living costs from your adult child to pay for a home that will never be hers.And that they'll never be able obtain for themselves and it remains yours.

Not if you lost UC ( which i assume pays towards rent) Child benefit and 25 % council tax discount.

Could be £5/600 a month down