Adult children and paying keep

[123dontcomeatme]

Am home from an evening out and feel a bit disgruntled.
Dd is coming up to 20 and has just secured herself an apprenticeship starting on the same wage I am on..she has worked so hard for it and it's a fantastic wage.

Dd will be paying half of all living costs. Im on my own, was on universal credit. I can't afford to pay for her and honestly I think if shes earning the same as me, I shouldn't have to. I would like to build some savings for myself after being financially screwed for the last 19 years.

Fried thinks im being terrible and dd should not contribute so she can save for a house deposit as that would be the best thing I could do for her.

Quite how I would manage or how I would afford anything myself is apparently not of consequence.

Im sure she didn't mean it but honestly, is this really unfair of me? Am i being harsh?

If someone posted saying they only have £800 left after rent, food and bills, they wouldn’t get much sympathy. It’s really not a tight budget in the way you have tried to describe. And maybe you actually had more with benefits? Child benefit? Lots of people would be very happy to have £800 a month left after rent, bills and food.

33k salary after tax/Ni ( no pension etc) is £27.2k net.

so split over 12 months 2.27k, you have said she will have 1.2k left.

please tell me you aren’t charging her 1k a month!!!

Some of these comments are nuts and shows how weird MN can be sometimes. There was a thread a few weeks or so ago where OP said they think their mum charges them too much (OP said they were paying £500) and OP basically got their arse handed to them. Everyone told OP it was only right they paid half of the outgoings and how it's a good deal etc. so why when the parent of the relationship posts, it's the opposite?

TBF you've come on the forum to ask people's opinions. They aren't always favourable.

You sound like a total martyr to Motherhood. Why couldn't you go for promotion over the 19 years since you've had a child? There are many of us single Mothers in the same boat and no I wouldn't take 50% of my childs salary to support myself and build savings and have treats. I would take enough to cover their side of the bills. YABU.

As said, there have been many, many years where it's not been this. And this had to cover everything for 2 people. Its not a lot but it isn't as bad as it once was.

On the flip side, you are saying its loads, but not enough for dd to have left over?

To those questioning my maths, ive already said it was the middle of the night and my first figure was a guess. I didn't want to get up, put the light on and get a paper and pen out. It doesn't actually matter what the exact figure is anyway. She will have more than enough to save some.

You have £700 or more spare a month after rent, food and bills? You made it sound like you were on the bones of your arse. You’re going to charge your daughter somewhere in the region of £700-£800 a month (1/3 of net pay if she’s earning around £33k) so you’ll have £1500 per month spare?

Have you missed the parts where I have said many times that I have improved my income considerably

I've also not once said im going to take 50% of her salary!

I really don’t get this? If there are two of you earning a similar amount, don’t you 50/50 for your housing? Unless one of you earns a huge amount more, isn’t it logical to share?
If one is a child and in full time education, that’s obviously different, but two adults?????

I don’t think the poster was saying it’s not enough for your dd to have left, but you were pleading poverty and it’s become clear that isn’t the case at all. You were saying you couldn’t afford to live without your dd paying and you can. It was lies.

I don’t think you’re wrong to charge your dd, but with so much spare, I think lots of parents would charge less than you, to allow their children to have a better life than they did. I don’t understand why you have tried to deceive people though. If you want to charge her that much you can, but don’t lie about how poor you are, telling us you can’t afford to live, when you already have £800 left after rent, bills and food.

I think it’s fine that DD should contribute as a working adult on a good wage. As op said, it’s cheaper for DD than renting a room somewhere. Plus DD can still save.

BUT.

Op and daughter don’t need a 3 bed plus dressing room rental house and they might save hundreds downsizing now. Op can then downsize again to a 1 bed when DD leaves home.

DD didn’t ask to be born and I would advise Op to check her bitterness isn’t directed towards DD in the way she is coming over on this thread.

Again, I haven't always had that, it's fairly new. But it's still not a lot when that money has to pay for EVERYTHING else. Every single other cost for 2 people.

I also have no savings. No assets and no pension provision at all. I need to change this else I'll be fucked. Is it not OK for me to try to save something when dd is an adult and earning the same as me.

We currently wouldn't save anything on downsizing, as ive already said we are paying well below market rent.

' poor' dd doesn't need protection from my bitterness, but thanks for your kindness.

I wouldn’t trust her to save, I’d take the money off her and save it without her knowing.

We are currently supporting my DC and it’s costing us on average £1000 a month top up while they are at Uni. This is likely to be a 5 or 6 year degree.

In your circumstances I would not give it a second thought or let it worry me at all that an adult child earning the same wage as me is expected to pay their way.

I would however make sure adult DC understands about investing and compound interest and risk. Investing is something you both need to get involved in asap but your risk profile will be different from your DD’s.

Shes 20.

In a job with huge authority.

I am presuming you are joking.

You've (deliberately) missed the point. OP isn't wanting her daughter to sub her or be her financial crutch. She needs her to contribute in order for them both to continue living in their home. It's really quite simple and I'm astonished at the lack of understanding on here. If her daughter doesn't contribute they will both have to move and be worse off. OP, I think you're amazing and have done a brilliant job bringing up your daughter on your own and supporting her so she can earn a decent wage at a young age. Of course she should contribute.

Dd is talking about this more than saving for a deposit to be honest.

We are now going to be in a position where we can take a step up. Hopefully.

Of course it is and you can charge what you like but you’ve painted a picture which doesn’t reflect your situation.

You said you couldn’t afford to pay everything as you lose benefits etc, but the truth is, even if your daughter pays nothing to you, now that she will be buying her own clothes, glasses, haircuts and everything else you’ve listed, you will be be doing ok with £800 per month after rent, bills and food. I don’t believe she costs you that much living with you, but if you want to charge her £700 or £800 then do so, just don’t lie and say you can’t afford to live without it. The truth is, you want to make money from having her live without you. Personally, I wouldn’t be happy taking so much off my child so that I had £1500 a month spare, but if you feel comfortable doing it and she’s happy with it, it’s no one else’s business.

I handed responsibility of my DC’s Gov TF of 7k over to him at 18. It’s now worth 11k 2 years later with trickling small money amounts in (round up and present money) and their stocks and shares portfolio performing well.

The more DD is trusted with her own money, saving and budgeting the better it will be for her in the long run.

It sounds like you have provided a lovely home and you have a DD that will go on to achieve great things in life as she already has. Be proud. You are a great Mum and don’t deserve the horrible feedback of some on here.

That doesn’t seem to be the case. OP has £800 a month after rent, bills and food without her daughter’s money and downsizing would not cost less in rent.

I don’t think it’s wrong to make a working adult pay a reasonable amount to live in the property as long as they have the same rights you do - whilst being respectful to each other of course.

I would think it’s imperative you get yourself financially sorted out and I hope you have stressed to your dd that now is the perfect time to start her pension. Maybe look at posting separately about that.

I would look at reading as much as you can and joining money saving expert, looking at rebel finance school (free) and the meaningful money podcasts

The first thing I would do is join your work pension scheme if you haven’t already. I would also get support and advice join a savings challenge on MSE or a Facebook group. Also please remember you can have a SIPP with a different provider than work offers that might have more funds and lower fees so if you are paying in more than the employer minimum it is often better to do it separately and then merge your employer scheme into the SIPP when you leave . Anyway I would post separately about that on a finance board here or on MSE. I would also look at getting a side hustle

Sounds totally reasonable to me OP
As you say you’ve no pension provision I assume you have opted out of the NHS pension. Sounds like you need to opt in now and that’ll account for approaching 10% of your salary for those concerned at your vast surplus. Speak seriously to DD to make sure she sets off on the path of future provision.

You are not getting it. OP has no savings and poor pension provision. OP is not going to splurge this £800 she is going to invest it in her future. This will in turn benefit her DD too. DD is an adult on the same wage as her. DD will also have plenty left over to invest.

We all have to live our lives hoping to do the best for our DC which, OP has done as it is evident in her DD’s ability to secure a high paying apprenticeship and her mature attitude to wanting to cover her costs as an adult.

My DC is great. Academic. Doing really well at Uni and is costing us £1000 a month to support him and that is what we signed up for. If he was in the same position as OP’s daughter I would 100% feel no guilt expecting him to pay his share of the costs.

OP and her DD can explore investing together and I am 100% sure once OP’s DD gets her head around it any money she has paid in supporting herself over the years will be recouped and added too as she is obviously a very capable and responsible young adult woman.