Adult children and paying keep

[123dontcomeatme]

Am home from an evening out and feel a bit disgruntled.
Dd is coming up to 20 and has just secured herself an apprenticeship starting on the same wage I am on..she has worked so hard for it and it's a fantastic wage.

Dd will be paying half of all living costs. Im on my own, was on universal credit. I can't afford to pay for her and honestly I think if shes earning the same as me, I shouldn't have to. I would like to build some savings for myself after being financially screwed for the last 19 years.

Fried thinks im being terrible and dd should not contribute so she can save for a house deposit as that would be the best thing I could do for her.

Quite how I would manage or how I would afford anything myself is apparently not of consequence.

Im sure she didn't mean it but honestly, is this really unfair of me? Am i being harsh?

Dd won't be ready to move out in 6 months. She doesn't want to go anywhere right now. Shes thinking 5,-6 years time. Dd certainly wouldn't want to move into a one bed flat with me and with a healthy household income, why would she.

Also I hsve a low rent due to being a tennant for so long so there wouldn't be any savings to be made there.

33k after tax is about £2.2k a month. If she has 1.2k after after bills that means you’re taking 1k?

I think in London or similar this could be justified, but if you live in the north east for example, not really? Due to the cost of living etc.

similar to previous poster, are there any ways you can reduce costs? For example a 2-bed flat in a different area? Obvs still charging her rent, but reducing both your expenses?

Just saw your commment on low rent, so ignore that one. I guess if just need to break down the bills etc.

but also I do know single parents without a support system that improved there careered etc, especially once there kids were in secondary school. So I feel like your comment about that was a bit iffy.

No, the first sum was a guess. Not even close to 1k.

I have improved my career. I've gone from 12k at secondary school to 33. Higher than the average woman in my area.

I will hopefully increase it again but there are lots of job cuts at the moment snd security is more important than a few extra thousand.

Am not in the north either.

It's not just mum's needs though is it, she's been paying for a home for her and her daughter, partly with state assistance. Now that her daughter is 18 and working, mum is no longer getting assistance, and daughter is happy to contribute some of the shortfall.

When her daughter is ready to move out, mum's needs will be much less. She'll downsize to somewhere much smaller/cheaper, so not having money from her daughter will be irrelevant.

Some of these comments are just so entitled and out of touch. Throughout all of history children have grown up and if they stay in the family home then they contribute to the home. It sounds like OP has the maths worked out and her daughter is happy with the sums. She will be paying less than if she were out on her own. If the daughter leaves then she loses her family home as well, as OP won’t be able to afford it.

OP, have confidence in what you’re doing and ignore all these privileged mums who protest that they would never take a penny from their children because they don’t face impoverishing themselves by not doing so.

This doesn’t add up.

You say that it’s about a third of her wage but that she’ll have 1.2k left after. So 1.2k is a 2/3 of her wage, that means she’s picking up £1800 ish which means she’s on less than you by some distance, around 26k.

If she is on as much as you, if you took a third of her wage, say £700, she’d have more like £1.5k left.

Good point. Op seems very angry but is becoming more insistent that she is right with every post.

I already said I guessed the first sum. Your calculation is about right

Which? The paying you £700 and have £1.5k left? It seems strange to say she’ll have over ‘over 1.2k left’ when it’s 300 more, a quarter of that again. When you’re not earning much, that’s a huge amount to just not really count or ‘guess’. I don’t think you’re telling the truth here.

I think your daughter is earning less, or you’re charging more, because the figures don’t add up and you will only hint at them. Why wouldn’t you just say the amounts in the first place, it’s an anonymous forum? That and the anger and snippiness at posters makes me think it’s not the full story and you are indeed trying to make off your daughter and that’s what your friend has picked up on.

What a smug post. I held off until my 30s to have a child, we had our own home and good jobs. For a long time we were in a financially good position after DD was born. Nice holidays, labelled clothing and dinners out. Then global markets changed (GFC), I got made redundant and had to take on a job with a lower salary (beggers cant be choosers), and DH's business profits decreased, soon after DH died.

I earnt a reasonable wage, recieved life insurance and tax credits but just made ends meet. The financial burden of being a single parent is huge, I was always shit scared of being made redundant again.

Hope you never find yourself in that situation.

Ignore everyone who says they’re helping their kids save a deposit. It’s a privileged position that often isn’t really helping them much anyway as they don’t understand the expense of anything so it’s not preparing them for real life. I also reckon that a really high % of young adults living at home rent free so they can “save a deposit” are actually spunking a load of their cash each month on Uber eats and Shein hauls and whatever else. I’m sure lots of people will tell me their DC don’t do this and of course everyone should have some disposable income/fun money but most of the young adults I know personally who have done this don’t have anywhere near the amounts of cash saved that you’d expect from an adult who has been taking home £1500+ a month for years and not had to pay any living costs at all. For example my nephew has lived at home and worked full time since graduating around 4 years ago and he has around 10k saved so still not enough for even a flat deposit in most areas. But he also goes out 3-5 times a week and has about 50 different pairs of Nike trainers at £100 a pop and so on. But my DBIL won’t take money off him because he’s “saving for a deposit” but actually is clearly having the time of his life living entirely subsidised by parents at the age of 25. In reality the main thing it enables is not for their DC to save huge sums but for them to life a lifestyle that they couldn’t afford if you charged them the appropriate rate for things. Maybe this is ok and fair enough if you’re upfront about it but people often don’t acknowledge this at all.

I reckon your DD will probably save as much if not more than kids who are paying no rent as it puts her in a budgeting mindset and will help her understand the costs involved in running a house.

I think there’s a lot of posters here who haven’t experienced this. Laughing at poster who said they’d sit in the dark and only eat cuppa soups whilst their adult child in same house doesn’t.

good

I am a single parent and my children absolutely contributed once they were working. I'd still never have expected them to pay half of all living costs.
You've had 19 years to be in a better position, it's not your dds fault you haven't, nor is it her responsibility to subsidise you.

I've also had some really tough times financially but we end up where we end up mostly due to the choices we make. That's a hard thing to come to terms with but it is what it is. Rather than spend 19 years feeling hard done by, it would have been far better to use those years to show your child just how capable we actually are 🤷‍♀️

I absolutely think your DD should be paying half if its just the two of you. If she's still got £1.2 k a month over that's great. £500 away every month.
I've got two adult DC, one earning more than his father but he refuses to pay. Big back story! Another a universty student who always offers. We had plenty of money until recently so I'd advise savings if you can. Illness can change things.
My parents took keep, ditto my husband's.

The only thing that worries me about your post is you say if you meet someone your finances could improve. That's not really going to happen in my experience. All my divorced girlfriends constantly meet male gold diggers. The thirty something ritzy girls get the rich older guys but boy do they 'work' for it!

I'm sorry, I think you've been given a really hard time here OP. I grew up with mum on her own, cleaning houses to make ends meet, so I know it's tough.

We have two adult children plus one partner at home and we don't ask them for money, but that's because at this stage of our life, we can afford not to.

I'm sure that your daughter is well aware of the situation and must enjoy the perks of washing and cooking.

The only thing I'd suggest is, if you can manage, without telling her, quietly save 10% of what she's giving you and gift that to her when she does eventually move out.

At this point, I'm more concerned about you. You're nowhere near retirement yet, but renting in retirement is really difficult. I'm in a country where the system is different, but have a little knowledge about your system. Are you able to pay for any catch-up years of National Insurance? Obviously, you don't need to answer these questions here online, but do think about your answers and plans.

You say your daughter will have around $1200 left over each month, does that mean you will have the same? If so, now is the time to work on both a retirement plan and perhaps save a deposit for a small place of your own. Twenty years will go faster than you know, but at the same time, it's also enough time to make a big change in how your retirement will look. Maybe get into the money and retirement pages here. If you were in the same country as me, I'd know which books to recommend, but the local library will be able to help you. There will be Facebook groups and Instagram pages that focus on retirement in the UK. Maybe ask for recommendations in those pages on EB.

For me, I'm much closer to retirement, but in the last 5 years, I've learnt so much and definitely improved my situation, but wow, I wish I knew 15 years ago what I know now.

I follow four different finance people on Insta, a very young one, her info is aimed at the younger set, but I find it interesting and pass on some ideas to my kids. I follow a guy who focusses mainly on wealth building in the 30's and 40s and I follow two who are really looking at the pointy end of retirement.

I know you probably haven't had much spare time in the last 20 years, but now is time to really make a plan, while you've got 20 years to put it into effect. Getting started can be daunting, but honestly, the sooner you get started, the sooner you'll see why it's important to get started.

Wishing you all the very best!

Thank you. I have full national insurance, ive always worked. And yes I need to start saving for myself or ill be in a very dire situation.

Im unlikely to meet anyone, I know that, but perhaps ill start a female commune or something 🤔 🤣

I think it’s absolutely reasonable to charge some rent. During COVID I had to move home due to shield and contributed to food / bills despite still being liable for the rent / bills on my flat - I would have been incurring food and heating costs anyway, just in my flat. Not a full split as my parents have a much bigger house that is more expensive to run and would buy more premium food etc than I would otherwise. DH parents have never charged rent / contribution and one of his siblings and their partner are now in their 30s and still at the family home, I would say very difficult for them to move out now and suffer the change in lifestyle if paying normal living expenses after years of not paying them. And probably hard to understand what a normal disposable income looks like tbh.

That said as the OP seems very sure she is doing the right thing, I think it would have been better to ignore the friend and not make a post! People’s advice is all so skewed by their own experiences, you should just do what is right for you and your daughter, although as you are charging her a fair proportion, be prepared she may decide to move out to get her own space and proper privacy even if it does cost a bit more. Living in house shares can be quite fun with the right people etc. and feels more grown up than being at home!

Seriously. Get over yourself have you seen the time im posting.

Of course, im an absolute dragon lady, hideously awful trying to profit from the child I grew in my body. Of course. Shame on me.

I think you should worry less about the opinions of others here, and decide with your DD what’s best for your household.

Given she’s on what sounds like a full time wage, and your position whereby her income will reduce / remove eligibility to UC, and that you’ll be earning the same - if she’s happy, then 50:50 works. Especially if this will give you the breathing space to still treat her as you wish (lunch / coffee out etc). What I wouldn’t do, is increase the split when she gets a rise next year (but I don’t think you even suggested that). I suspect those who don’t agree have a different income / outgoings ratio so fail to see the reality of your situation.

What I will say though, is if she’s paying half - then you’ll need to treat her as an equal in the house and not like a child. There can’t be ‘my house, my rules’ approach to coming home late etc from a night out, because you’re signing that autonomy away by splitting things.

Sounds fine to me, you’re charging her half the costs of the living expenses, leaving her with just over £1000 a month to spend as she wishes… if she wanted to, she could save half of that for a deposit a month and still have plenty of money for phone/clothes/socialising!
I wasn’t charged rent but I paid the difference of me being there, so my part of utilities, council tax and food, my parent wouldn’t have downsized when I left as other minor children lived there.
My DH paid £250 a month to his parents 23 years ago until he moved out, despite them being fairly well off.
He has a great relationship with them and it didn’t hold him back saving for a deposit.

Yay! I'm so pleased to hear that! It will make a difference, but so will 20 more years of improving your situation.

It sounds like you've always been quite a hard worker to me, so now use that same tenacity and determination to improve your position.

About 15 years ago, I had another woman at work 'bully' me into some changes. Honestly, it was a tiny change and didn't make a difference to me week to week, but just that one simple change will see me 100k better off when I retire soon. We lost touch when she changed jobs, but I wish I could thank her. Instead, I 'bully' as many others as I can at work into making the same small change.

Unfortunately, I didn't get more serious about things until 5 years ago, but that has still helped. I also have a husband and have worked full time for over 40 years, so in a very decent position. I haven't had to do it alone, as you have, so you're probably a lot stronger than you even realise.

If it now feels like I'm bullying you, not sorry! with 20 years to go, or even a few less if you can get serious fast, you can still get this done. Even if you can't move now, due to proximity to work, think about long term. Is there somewhere you'd love to retire to? Can you work on a deposit, but something and then let it out until you retire, with a tenant paying the mortgage for you? So many things to learn and think about. I really have a feeling you could nail it though, so go for it!

Its not sure im doing the right thing, it's not really much choice in the matter. That's the reality of the situation.

And to the poster who said i should not have complained for 19 years and shown what I can do. Are you having a laugh. Im sorry but the actual rudeness is so awful. I've escaped domestic violence, built a nice life for dd where shes been loved and supported. I've increased my wage considerably and now earn above average for a woman in my area. But this is not enough? Get over yourself.