Adult children and paying keep

[123dontcomeatme]

Am home from an evening out and feel a bit disgruntled.
Dd is coming up to 20 and has just secured herself an apprenticeship starting on the same wage I am on..she has worked so hard for it and it's a fantastic wage.

Dd will be paying half of all living costs. Im on my own, was on universal credit. I can't afford to pay for her and honestly I think if shes earning the same as me, I shouldn't have to. I would like to build some savings for myself after being financially screwed for the last 19 years.

Fried thinks im being terrible and dd should not contribute so she can save for a house deposit as that would be the best thing I could do for her.

Quite how I would manage or how I would afford anything myself is apparently not of consequence.

Im sure she didn't mean it but honestly, is this really unfair of me? Am i being harsh?

But for every £5 that was deducted from her gross salary for pensions she would have had £10 (if my employers are similar to the NHS) in her pension.

However opting out didn’t mean she got £5 more in her salary because she would have had to pay tax and NI on that £5 so £1.40 would have been deducted anyway, then because of the extra £3.60 she would have a further 55p deducted from her benefits for each £1 earned

So + £1.62

The amount that would have been extra in her pay would have been minimal. Probably could have cut down the amount by shopping around for insurance, broadband, power phone, food etc

£5 less would mean £2.75 not deducted from her benefits

Time to stop talking about finances to this friend then.
You have done amazing getting through the hard times of single parenting. Your daughter has secured an amazing degree apprenticeship and is well on her way to a fab career. You should be proud of what a great young person you have raised.

I know exactly how the calculation works and I also know if you are struggling to feed your children or heat the house all these" little" £1.62 matter . Just because people are poor doesn't mean they are not intelligent and havent looked at many ways to save money . In fact suspect they know more ways than I have fortunately had to imagine .

Hi op I just wanted to say ignore your so called friend if your dd is happy to pay just accept it and don’t tell people your business. I think some posters are just saying it is a lot and I think it is but if it’s necessary then just do it. I’m sure your dd appreciated everything you have ever done for her and I would suggest putting into your nhs pension as you have a better chance to increase your investment normal savings won’t be enough when your older and paying for everything. There is no point replying back to the hurtful comments now it’s between you and your dd and she’s not complaining.

OP. - I don’t understand your figures at all. You say that you earn the same amount, and that you would like your DD to pay half of all living costs. You then say that she will still have £1200 left over. So that means you would also have £1200 left over. Hardly ‘on the breadline’, unless I have misunderstood.

I’ve already agreed with DD once she moves back after uni she will be contributing to rent. She’s absolutely fine with that. She’s got one friend out of 12 whose parents fund her and she’s never worked and it’s become noticeable how detached she’s become from understanding what things cost and the value of things. Almost childlike.

Set clear expectations and stick to them and stop listening to ‘friends’. They parent as they like, you parent your kids.

Tell me you dont run your household finances without telling me......

Its not ' spare' its petrol, car insurance, car tax, mot, service, car maintenance, mobile phone, home insurance, pet insurance, tv licence etc etc. Obviously not splitting those things with dd as they are MY costs. But it's not 1200 ' spare'

Thank you, that really means a lot. It’s been tough at times and I’m proud of how far my daughter’s come. I agree—it’s only fair she contributes now, especially since we’re on the same income. Nice to know someone understands where I’m coming from.

Charging your daughter what it costs to keep her now that you’ve lost all child related benefits sounds like the only way you can manage, so of course it’s ok.

Just make sure you explain that to your DD - and tell her that you need to know whenever she plans to move out well in advance, as you’ll then need to downsize to something affordable.

On the other hand OP, you sound very worn out and a bit bitter and angry. Being a single parent is undeniably tough.

It sounds like you might benefit from going to the GP. And now that she’s older you can focus on yourself and improving your earnings. You can’t change the past but you’re only 47 so you have 20 years of work left - you can dramatically improve your situation in that time. 💐

This situation is as part of my life, it's not my whole life so it's a bit off to suggest I need to see the gp. You know nothing about me.

Its been really hard as it is for lots of single parents, practically hard. Emotionally and for the relationship dd and I have, our freedom and happiness, it's been the best.

Did you see my post about my ex husband refusing to pay his last maintenance payment? Its stuff like that that's hard.

I have also explained about earnings, not everywhere in the country has high incomes. I earn above average for a woman in this area. Im nhs but not in a hospital. There are massive cuts with the icbs/ council/nhs right now , huge amounts of redundancies. I have a lot of years behind me so would be protected in terms of redundancy pay. Changing jobs now ( outside of the nhs which is on a recruitment feeeze) would put me in a very vulnerable position.

Some people do not live in the reality of life. You have done your very best for you and your DD. You are doing the right thing by asking for half.
I admire your parenting as many parents do not stand by their children to help them turn into independent adults.

Its difficult without knowing your outgoings to know what's actually affordable. But unless you need her to pay 50% to afford your bills, then I'd be allowing her to take off a sum for her savings for a deposit first, say 20% for arguments sake. Then each contribute to the bills proportionally to your remaining income.

So. If i were to do the Prince 2 foundation, id need to self fund to the tune of £700 ish. That's going to take about 10 ish months to save with dd contributing but is something I could do.
But only possible with dd paying her living costs.

That could allow me to pivot into a different sector that pays better than the NHS. ( whole different argument there about the NHS not paying fair wages)
But this is why sitting in a cold dark room surviving of cup a soups won't help me or dd for that matter. We need to work together.

She has got where she is on her own but with massive, massive support ( as she should have) and we can help each other now move forward and bit.

It's a shame you aren't considering that other people might actually be speaking from the point of view of having been through similar. I am a single parent, also from a DV relationship and my ex fiddles CMS payments constantly. I am only able to work part time due to having an autisitc child and our total household income is lower than your salary alone.

I still wouldn't be charging my adult child 50%. £1200 after bills is an enormous amount.

But it's not 1200 after bills. I have more bills to come out after that. But they are MY bills.

I expect this is maybe housing costs and council tax coming into play. Im in a private rental and for some unknown reason our council tax is in the top end of the whole UK.

The housing costs and council tax are irrelevant as you say you have £1200 after main bills are taken off. That's a huge amount for the things you mention.

But those aren’t huge amounts split over 12 months. Only biggish bill would be petrol
Around £250 for the rest.

Firstly it isnt when there are considerable other bills to come off that. Petrol on its own is huge.
Secondary ive just had a pay rise, first pay this month, which accounts for a good chunk of that.
Thirdly, it's not always been the case. As said ive had times where I have stolen loo roll from work and have been left sitting in the dark.

Also whatever was left had to pay for everything for 2 people for 20 years.

My car is old. I dont have the money for a new one and won't get credit i can't afford. I've spent 700 on maintenance this year plus tyres. Plus mot plus service. Plus petrol.

I would just stop trying to convince people who have never had to struggle. They have no inkling of what it's like. Just enjoy your Bank Holiday Monday

I think you are right.

I know what things cost.

This ⬆️.
I am actually not sure why op has posted on AIBU as she seems convinced that she is right.
It feels like op is quite bitter, I too know the struggles of being a lone parent to 4DC but don’t feel this bitter and yes, it has been extremely hard.
It also feels like she is almost treating DC like you would a partner not her child, using her income so that she can afford to save.
Op, you talk about sitting in the dark, stealing loo roll etc but this doesn’t seem to be your situation now and is very different to using your DC’s new income to help you to save.
What would have happened if DC had decided to go to uni?

If dc had decided to go to uni they would have had full student loan to cover all costs.

Would you be paying for the same place you are living in if she wasn’t there?

If so, what will the extra cost be to you of her being there?

I don’t agree with profiting from the arrangement, using her to build up your own savings etc.

Yes but op would have been then left to pay her own full household costs.
I also am unsure whether her DC would have been eligible for the full maintenance loan as the cut off for it to start reducing is a household income of £25K AFAIK.
My DC will be going to uni and getting full loans but they will be left with £2K a year after housing costs so I may need to help if I can.